Tamia's quest XII

He gasped in pain.
Blood trickled down his bare back, mingling with the sweat of fear. His blonde hair lay across his face, damp and limp with perspiration. A strand fell into his eyes, and he blinked repetitively, hands uselessly bound to the wooden frame.

"Again."

The prisoner stiffened as the next few seconds stretched out impossibly long. He could hear the whistling of the whip, filling his ears, his mind, his whole consciousness. His eyes stared blankly into space, anticipating what came next.

Liquid fire scorched his back, a thousand needles tearing his flesh. He cried out, his body spasming uncontrollably. Darkness threatened his vision, almost fainting there and then. Slowly, the pain dimmed from a roaring fire to a constant throbbing, and he gasped for breath, his chest straining his back painfully.

Coolly, the figure in a finely tailored shift got down from his perch.
"We had enough, yet, elf?" He leaned in closer, to study his victim closer. such a spirit, he thought. What fun.
Eyes a startling green focused on him, mute rage glazing them.
"No."

The interrogator laughed. It was a cold, hollow sound. He leaned in, his breath tickling the elf's cheek. "If you do not comply, there will soon be another. We have someone hunting her as we speak."

The victim's eyes widened, and for the first time, the man in the silk shirt saw fear in them. "No... Tamia!" The victim wrenched at his bonds helplessly.
"You bastard... leave her alone!"
The interrogator laughed again, the sound echoeing through the stone room.

Lol I saw you had no comments on this, so I thought I might as well be the first.

-----
Red = Word choice.
Blue = Punctuation mistake.
Green = Spelling mistake.

To be honest, I thought it was just...OK. I couldn't really picture the scene. Sure, the blonde haired guy was being whipped, I'm guessing, but that's about all I got from this. I don't know what's going on around them or anything for that matter. Not to mention, you had a few mistakes scattered here and there:

Blood trickled down his bare back, mingling with the sweat of fear.

I don't really like this line. Something's off about it, I just don't know what. "the sweat of fear" is what I think isn't working. Maybe:

Blood trickled down his bare back, mingling with the drenching sweat that ran due to fear.

Or something to that effect? I don't know. Maybe I'm just in a really nitpicky mood today.

...hands uselessly bound to the wooden frame...

Maybe "helplessly" instead of "uselessly"?

The prisoner stiffened as the next few seconds stretched out impossibly long.

Hmm... any other word would work, just not "impossibly". Try "agonizingly" perhaps?

He could hear the whistling of the whip, filling his ears, his mind, his whole consciousness.

No comma needed after whip.

...anticipating what came next.

You have "came" and "next" written in a first person POV. It should be:

...anticipating what would come next.

Liquid fire scorched his back, a thousand needles tearing his flesh.

If they are actually puncturing him with actual sharp needles, then this is written correctly. If it felt like they were puncturing him with actual sharp needles, then this written wrong.

...his body spasming...

I don't think that spasming is a word.

Darkness threatened his vision...

This would be better as:

Darkness threatened to blind his vision...

, almost fainting there and then.

This is the second half of the sentence above, but you should replace the comma with a semi colon and rewrite it as:

, he almost fainted there and then.

such a spirit, he thought. What fun.

Capitalize "such".

Eyes a startling green focused on him, mute rage glazing them.
"No."

Firstly, this needs to be re-worded a bit and secondly, you skipped a line after "them"; a comma is needed instead of the period after "them" as well. Try:

His eyes were a startling green. They focused on him, a mute rage glazing over them, "No."

...the sound echoeing...

Should be echoing.

It's over?? Wow, that ending sure was abrupt... It kinda sounded like you weren't finished writing the chapter. Like more could have been said; ya know? Ah well. *shrug*

Best wishes on your next chapter, Nutty.

-Nicholas

Ouchie. But perhaps you could have made it a bit more ouchie? I dunno, but this was very good! Enigma did a very good nitpick, so I retreat. Very good!

Hi Nutty.

"We had enough, yet, elf?" He leaned in closer, to study his victim closer. such a spirit, he thought. What fun.

You used closer twice. That is awkward. Not to mention you told us what his emotions were.

A strand fell into his eyes, and he blinked repetitively

Don't like repetitively in this sentence. It distrupts the mood of the scene.

"We had enough, yet, elf?"

Too many commas.


The descriptions were good, though they were only focused on the characters and a bit on the environment. It would be nice to see the contrast between characters and the environment.

Though it is quite well written technically, it doesn't really engage the reader for some reason. It's quite an easy read and doesn't really make you think. I think your writing can be a bit more complex in portraying the emotion of the scene.

Overal though, it was good. It could had been much longer and could had been a bit more complex.