A Ramble of Sorts

I've never been able
to accept my life as it is;
I feel I mustn’t.
Always trapped within
the thought of Night and Day,
a concept that has always convexed me.
Even at the mouth
things are always uncertain for me;
every conversation leading me nowhere.
The confines of my existence suffocate,
making me want to run
wild like the stag might.
Pressured to live and let live
I often desire to turn my back on such a quest,
yet in the dark depths of my soul
I believe it may be the only way to break free.

***

A weird little thing I wrote up lately, orginally meant for my novel. I wanted to write something abstract that at first glance didn't mean much. But upon closer inspection it's supposed to repeatedly refer to one object or place in particular.

I'm not going to use it anymore, as I've decided to go a different way with the plot...but I just wanted to see whether or not I was subtle enough with this or if it's obvious what I was referring to. XD

So, the question is, what am I constantly referring to in this poem?

Some kind of animal? a nocturnal one. I can't really pick it out.

If I were to critique this I'd say fix the line breaks. Your lines are way too long. Another thing is, the poem doesn't really... speak to anything. [and I know what I just said makes no sense.] what I mean to say is, it doesn't have a reason/feeling/meaning/point etc. etc. etc. to it. So I'm kind of like "Okay... what is this about?/why was this written?" And sure, I write some poems that don't make someone feel something so I can't say, "You must make the reader feel" but when I don't, I try to replace it with something else. give the reader something. Visuals, maybe? or thoughts?

Personally, I think it sounds like you're sleepwalking through life, though that doesn't really fit the answer of an object or place. And then I thought school, but I'm associating everything negative with school these days

Yep, I'm not very helpful right now. I'll try again later.

Claudette, I totally get the lack of meaning, since I tried too hard to conform this to the purpose of referring to an object. XD

I guess I'll just throw out the answer since it doesn't seem to make much sense.

The thing it refers to is a cave. My clues are very weird, so bear with me. XD

Always trapped within
the thought of Night and Day,
a concept that has always convexed me.

I purposely used Night and Day since they are opposite to each other. And at first glance it may look like I'm using convexed correctly, but it's actually supposed to be vexed. And since the opposite of convexed is concave, that referst to the shape of an actual cave.

Even at the mouth
things are always uncertain for me;
every conversation leading me nowhere.

The mouths of caves are uncertain since it's all dark and mysterious from the outside, and you can only discover what it contains if you explore it.

The confines of my existence suffocate,
making me want to run
wild like the stag might.

the stag might = stalagmite

...I know, you must be cutting your wrists at this point due to the freakiness of it....

I often desire to turn my back on such a quest,
yet in the dark depths of my soul
I believe it may be the only way to break free.

self explanatory?

***

So, there ya go, and thank goodness I discarded this from novel. XD ...It's just weird.


MM

hmmm...

The line breaks are better.

Have you ever been in caves? I forget your geographical location... In Missouri, we have oodles of caves. I love caves. I've been to...four, although one is in Chatanooga, TN ^^;

Anyway, since you told me this is about caves, I actually think you could write a really good poem about a cave. I love caves, the atmosphere you get when you are inside one, especially Merrimack caverns, or Mark Twain cave (Rube Falls wasn't that cool...), is so amazing that it would actually make a really nice poem. In fact you make me want to write a poem about a cave! Well, if you've been in one it should be easier to write, but if you haven't... I can see your struggles. I think if you added more sensory image to this rather than the obvious, and wrote it from less of a vague point it might work. And you don't have to conform to expressing an idea so strongly, you can still pay attention to other things. Why can't you write it about a person in a cave?


*ponders a poem about a cave*

Actually, I have been in a cave, and a very beautiful one at that. It's in a Lebanon (the middle-eastern country, not city) and here are some pictures in case you were interested.

But yeah...as a poem about caves this fails, and a clue thing...it fails also. I never meant to actually be poetry, because if I wanted to write a poem about caves I'm sure I would make it better than this. XD But thanks for the feedback. ^_^


MM

*ohhh* I see. I've never been to a cave, that I know of, so that would explain why they weren't the first things to come to mind ^.^

As a poem, it goes in too many directions. There's the poem, and then there's the wordplay. When they coexist to give the most possible information about the poem, it's great fun. Here, however, I don't see the connection. It seems like a poem, then a riddle within the poem, and a weak connection.

Um... this isn't that abstract. Really, it isn't. It's kind of too riddle-me-this for my tastes. And it is a little bit too far-fetched (stag?). If you wanted to make it more abstract, you would have looked up caves in literature or the bible and make references to them instead of having a little word play thing.

I'm glad you threw this out the novel, lol. It just... yeah.

*waves* Hi!