This is good, you have some really good discriptions here, that really, really paint a good picture. You sliped up a few times, but that should be able to fix.
this?” mourned
" Mourned
Well Done! LP
Last edited by Lady Pirate on Sun Jul 29, 2007 10:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
'My words fly up, my thoughts remain below.
Words without thoughts never to heaven go.'
William Shakespeare
Greatest English dramatist & poet (1564 - 1616)
NO! If that's all, then it's perfect, apparently. Gah... She has this bad habit too! Btw, glad to see you're correcting it Inky. You AREN'T supposed to capitalize that. TRUST me. Look for it in published works.
For example,
"News?" asked the taller of the two. "The best." said Severus Snape.
~from HP7, pg. 1.
SEEEEEE!?!!?!? Gah. Sorry for my outrightness, but she had this habit for ages, and it seems to be going away... and then...
And now for my actual review:
I can't really find anything wrong, except,
"The Elf knelt"
Is it really a proper noun? Unless he's one of the last left.
Also, it seemed a bit close to purple prose, I don't know. But it looks good, anyway. Me thinks to review the next one.
Bye!
man hands on misery to man it deepens like a coastal shelf get out as early as you can and don’t have any kids yourself.
The colored eyes rather get to me. It's cool to have different colored eyes than normal, but it gets old if everyone has them. Identifying the characters by their eyes might have a bit of merit, but then again, it's a ploy that could fall flat.
The names-- not only are there too many in too little space, there are too many that are fancy. Most fantasy writers try to mix short and sweet names with long, hard names. Also, they try to have a nice mix of common names and uncommon names.
As for the plot, I wasn't too excited by it. It is one of those things in which you need to find a unique voice, and I'm not finding it. The whole gargoyle thing might have promise.
The writing here is nice and I hope you continue to write your descriptive scenes in this way.
La, thank you, Tri. ^_^ This is only the first draft. (Of the prologue!! I've got so much work to do on this.... )
Per your suggestion, I've decided to use another system for naming than my Tome-O-Names. I'm not ditching the jewel eyes, though. That has too much significance to the story.
Thanks again! Good review. Made me realize a lot. And how much work I have to use to get these gargoyles runnin'.
When you identify them by the color of their eyes, please use colors which are much easier to identify. You wouldn't want your reader rummaging in the dictionary searching for cirulean every few seconds. It would also keep the pace up.
Sometimes I didn't know who was speaking. The first elf, the first person who spoke? Or was it individual...things, I might call them...each time?
And also I felt that the jump into the prologue was really too quick for me. Maybe add a paragraph about what they were doing while speaking, where they were--mellow it down a bit from your beginning with the elf.
)
