Butterflies

Butterflies

Thousand of butterflies
swirl like a milkmaid
churning butter.
Up. Down. Ceaseless whirling.
Devouring my heart-
tickling it
with their antennae.
Crash. Boom. Bang.
Goodbye butterflies.

lol, this is really cute. It's cute, funny, and descriptive actually. My favorite line:

swirl like a milkmaid
churning butter.
Up. Down. Ceaseless whirling.
Devouring my heart

*Very creative, especially since this is something about butterflies. Great job.

Keep at it!
~Rieda

I like it very much. (And no, not just because you're Wiggy.) ^_^

Some suggestions, here:

Thousand of butterflies
swirl like a milkmaid
churning butter.

[It's a very nice image here - fresh and creative, not used to death, like so many images in poetry. ^_^ Just one thing: if you were to write this as a regular sentence sans the line-breaks, I think you would find that your number agreement is a bit off. "Thousands of butterflies swirl like a milkmaid churning butter". That would be "Thousands of butterflies swirl like milkmaids churning butter"? You could always claim poetic lisence, in which case this is fine, but it did make me stop and reread that bit. Just something to think about. ^_~]


Devouring my heart-
tickling it
with their antennae.
Crash. Boom. Bang.
Goodbye butterflies.

[While I do like how you've handled the line-breaks, the imagery seems a bit off here. When one thinks of butterflies one doesn't usually go on to such things as 'devouring'. Simliarly, the onomatopoeias in the second from last line seem to throw the feeling off a bit because they's such violent contrasts compared to the light-hearted beauty of the first stanza. If that's what you were trying for, that's fine - I don't think it necessarily detracts, I just wanted to point it out to you as something to consider. ^_~]


Over-all, I really like this, Wiggy. It's short, cute and fresh. You've got a natural knack for poetry, I think. Me? I can't put two words together in rhyme. ^_^ Well done.

--

Edited and Tagged: (Critted for the CCF)

Thanks Rieda and Dreamy! Glad you both liked it!

Originally, this poem was actually going to be about emotions, and the first thing I thought of when I thought of emotions was butterflies because of the whole "butterflies in your stomach" thing. I was going to call it Emotions, but that seemed too boring. Perhaps I should call it Anxiety? That's the emotion I was trying to portray throughout.

Input, anyone?

Ah - well, now that you explain it , I understand better. ^_~ I think Anxiety would work nicely.

(Sorry I missed the saliant nuance.)

yes this was very good I enjoyed reading it and loved the descriptions and how you used butterflys in it very cute keep it up

I like the ideas behind it, but it seems jumpy. Although, that fits with the ideas doesn't it?

And you seem to really like italics ^_~

As always I think this would be better if there was an event attached to it, so the reader could get into it better and share the feelings of the moment. Like for me, when I'm nervous I don't get butterflies, my feet get really, really warm, so not everyone can relate to the general feeling. But if it was some nervous event, or even if you put more words to your feelings, this poem might work better.

I'm not sure I'm making sense?

Ooo... I did like this. The imagery was pretty an it reminded me a little of Miss Emily Dickinson, sort of. But still!

writingluver5 wrote:Up. Down. Ceaseless whirling.

I didn't like the word "ceaseless" mostly because there are so many other, better words you can say there and you said "ceaseless"? Why? Pick something else.

Anyway, good stuff.

I like this allot to. It is so cute! Little butterflies. Aw....I liked this very much. You do very good poetry. Don't stop! Like I said about Betrayel, there was something about it that just made me smile.

You are very good. Please keep up the good work.

Live in Love.

-- M.B.Author

Nice. Purt booflies!

I liked it, but the crash bang boom, goodbye butterflies was abrupt. Where'd the butterflies go?

Wonderful. It was simple, and the simplicity of it just made this poem that much more appealing.

I thought this part was ambiguous:

Crash. Boom. Bang.

I wasn't sure what the crash/boom/bang came from. Was it the butterflies near you heart making it explode? I was confused. Maybe a line right before it? Just a teensy one? The line following [the last line] was perfect for everything. Perfect to follow, perfect to end the poem.

I thought some of the punctuation was distracting. First there are a couple of longer sententence-like passages, then bam! Periods everywhere. I wanted to poke them out of the poem.