Bullets

Eyes anchored to the ground,
Feet awaiting transition.
We walked upon the clouds,
Not on roads of perdition.

Easily disguised by a kiss,
Hesitation only magnified:
Ignorance can never be bliss,
When bullets and hearts collide.

It's short, quite simple but well written. The half rhymes of 'ground' and 'clouds' don't work and that third line isn't very strong anyway so you might want to change it.

Other than that, your rhythm is pretty accurate and the meaning is conveyed well.

I actually liked this, which surprised me for such a short poem. The first part seems a little distant, or pointless...maybe a few more stanzas in the same style and then a connector stanza to the last would be a little more favorable? I really do like the last stanza though, so definitely keep it if you change anything

Happy Editing,
WM

Hmm...I feel like too much of the poem is lost in the effort to rhyme well. While it's a good idea to challenge oneself with a rhyme scheme and some rhythm and all, this poem lost its touch on the way. It got a little too distant and a little too abstract. You might want to loosen up the structure or take a break from it for a while so you can work out some of the poem's other issues.

I'd like to see it become more concrete. It seems that the poem talks about two people. Who are they? What is their relationship? What's causing the conflict described in this poem? Also, give the reader some more imagery. Create a setting. What kind of a place are they in? Is it beautiful? Is it ugly? Does the conflict come from their surroundings or from within them? Just some things to consider. I'd like to be able to get a better grasp on this poem.

Colleen

It was good, poetic, but I didn't feel anything and so... I'm not really sure what to say?

I can't really grasp what you were trying to depict and show...So, perhaps my critique isn't very good.

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful, was it? No, it wasn't ><

Maybe if you added to it, it would be better.

"Easily disguised by a kiss" was an awkward sounding line, like there were too many verbal (rather than conceptual) parts to it. The only other thing I can see is the difference between the first and second stanzas, where the first stanza seems very lofty and detatched and the second seems much more cutting and real. In the first stanza, there are alot of long, soft sounds, like ground, cloud, await; in the second stanza, the words seem alot heavier: the "gui" in disguised, "ig" in ignorance, bullets, and collide.

Other than that, I liked it alot. Especially the last two lines; I think they worked nicely. It was short, but it got to the point, and I didn't feel as if it were missing anything. Good job!

*thumbs up*

Um... okay, I know you're going to kill me and stuff, but I laughed at the last line because it was funny to me. (Well... I am slightly sick, so a lot of things are funny to me, but still!) The reason why it was funny was because it reminded me of the titles in 1950 movies. I mean, you would have a song and then suddenly there would be this completely random line that was usually the title of the movie.

In this case, your last line is pretty cheesy.

But! I love the first stanza because it's so hesitant, like the narrator is going off to an execution. (Remember when I said I was sick? Yeah...)

Anyway, I liked it. Change the last line and it will be purrrrrfect.

I liked this. The last line didn't bother me so much until Snoink mentioned the 1950's movies...lol, but otherwise it was alright. I think the rhyme worked out really well. At first I thought the meaning would be lossed but by the end I understood. It was really quite simple. Nice job on this.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Claudette wrote:It was good, poetic

Good for you! If Claudette liked it, then you did great. LOL.

Anyway,personly, I did not quite get it. I am not the best at poetry my self and I don't know much about it. So I can not say that you did bad. I don't even think tha it was bad. *Shrugs*

So, good job. Live in Love.

-- M.B.Author