Fueled by:

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Fueled by:

Ramen cups,
Dimes in the pocket,
A useless psyche degree.

Pen on paper,
Mouth to mic,
Emotions run -Freed.

Proverbial:
Anthems and swords,
Are all I'll ever need.

Because it puts:
Dimes in the pocket,
Fuel to the fire,
Not admired, but me.

But should I fail,
Should fuel run dry,
I'll start again, you'll see.

I'll still have those:
Dimes in the pocket,
Sword in the sheath,
And a dusty psyche degree.




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It had a cute rhyme to it. The repetitious didn't really help it, though it didn't hinder it either. It's a grocery list though, so I can't get anything out of it. I think if you put more feeling into the little that you live off of, or what things would be like should you fail.

Fuel to the fire
Cliché

Not admired, but me.
this line didn't make sense to me, in context or out of context.

And how you punctuated seems questionable to me.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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Points 890
Reviews 7
Thanks for your honesty, and thanks for being my first reviewer. I did have the intent of making it a rather abbreviated poem in order to strain the point that having time for such things in my life isn't realistic, so in a way I'm glad you thought of it as a grocery list, albeit I understand how it is sparse.




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o0. Interesting. I didn't really like this. You have a few decent phrases ("Proverbial: / Anthems and swords / Are all I'll never need"), but on the whole this was rather pointless and had no action or forward motion. It stagnated.

The idea of it isn't bad, so I hope you'll rewrite this, perhaps with a little more impetus.
Bitter Charlie :: Shady Grove, CA :: FreeRice (162,000/1,000,000)




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there's something about this... admittedly, it's not the best thing ever. but there is something about it... a sort of cute to it. the beat... i love the beat to this.

Pen on paper,
Mouth to mic,
Emotions run -Freed.

Proverbial:
Anthems and swords,
Are all I'll ever need.


for some reason, the rhyme in this part bothered me. this rhyme seems the most forced for me of the poem. also i think it makes the poem seem like it will rely on rhyme and nothing more, which is not true.

all in all, i liked it. i like the sort of quick sweetness it gives off. hope this helps, and keep writing!



That's just what translation is, I think. That's all speaking is. Listening to the other and trying to see past your own biases to glimpse what they're trying to say. Showing yourself to the world, and hoping someone else understands.
— Ramy (Babel by R. F. Kuang)