Change

Change

This is it.
Aeolus tugs at the door
as I scamper to slam it
one last time.

There she is.
My heart leaps into my throat.
I tried to hide,
but she still found me under the bed.

I run.
I gasp for air. Suddenly,
I trip over my shoelace and
fall, scraping my knee to the bone.

She’s right behind me.
Something grasps my shoulder.
I whirl around and find her
smiling into my eyes.

I’m not afraid anymore.
She pulls me up, and we
continue on, linked by a smile-
hand-in-hand.

I think many of the adjectives are misplaced. For instance, "gusty." I like the word, but it really does nothing for the poem. Instead, I would like to see more descriptive words in the first stanza. What if I use the word "scrambled" instead of run? Right now you have very basic verbs and nouns that can be taken for many things. Grab a thesaurus and look to see what else you can use. By using more specific language, you'll make your poem about an abstract concept (change) stronger.

Hrmm this is ok I guess. Don't really know who is the other person is but meh.

I liked the way on how you describe the change. That's all I can say really.

I like this. It's very easy to read and flows great. I also like the story behind the whole thing.


I'd like to know more about this character, er, these characters though. They seem so interesting from afar and I think they'd be even more interesting if we knew more.

Unless of course you're speaking from a general sense. If you're saying that a person is less afraid when another person helps them, that's alright. I'm just thinking about the way it's written like a story and the characters it involves.

Anyways. lol, I loved it.

Keep at it!
~Rieda

Hmm this is ok, althought when i read it through the first time i didnt think it was too easy to read, unlike Riedawriter. Althought i decided to read it through again and it did flow better. I do like the thought of this, about how people can get through things with others help. Well done.
Miyaviloves

I liked the way the poem was one big metaphor for change. The metaphor is an important poetic device and I can see by this poem that you understand it completely.
That said, I agree with Snoink that the language was a bit weak. You need stronger words that can make the reader feel exactly what you feel, stronger verbs so that we can see you on your journey through change. Basically, it's dramamtic poem, so be more dramatic.
It wasn't bad though, and it flowed well.

All right-I tweaked a few things, added, deleted, changed. What do you think?

Much better... I can now feel your pain, your journey etc. etc. Albeit you didn't change the 'gusty' bit, which didn't make much sense but overall its better then it was.

Italicizing the first line of each stanza makes the act of italicizing less meaningful, imo.

I'm feeling terribly lazy tonight, so these are all short if you want me to say more later, just Pm/call/etc.

I think I would have liked this if there was more meaning behind it. For now, I just see the event, but there is nothing else. No emotions or moods or meanings. And I want it to have more, because it is one of those poems that needs to give me more, otherwise it doesn't seem as good.