how to save a life: start of something different

this has nothing to do what I already wrote. this is different story

CHAPTER 1: SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT


Mrs. Marin opened the purple curtains and cried "Rise and Shine. Time to get up." Brooke moaned because she got the ligh in her eyes. She doesn't like when her mother comes into her room and tell her to wake up.She crawled back into her covers. "Its Saturday." she groaned. "Remember that orientation.You said you wanted to do this. Go get dressed."

Her mom drove her to Kingsport EMS Station. She got out off the and her mom asked "Want me to go with you?" Brooke shook her head no. "I would be fine." she reassured her mom. She took a deep and walked through the door. Brooke saw all the other kids talking and admiring all the things Kingsport High School EMT Program has to offer.
Alex, the guy in charge, was told the kids what the program was about. " This program shows you the way of the paramedics. You learn many things.Many people who come out this program are the best doctors in the country." He talked more and when he was finished, two boys, Sam and Hank, came to speak.
Sam said "I like this program.You get to help people and I like doing that. Its way better than staying home and watching television."
Hank continued "Way cooler than tv. Its like you're in your own episode of ER or Third Watch.You will love the adredline rush."
Then Mallory, cheif EMT, has her turn to speak. She got out of her seat, checked her hair, and started her speech. "I may seem like the boss, but I'm not. The squad is the boss. We have to work together. You have to put in your best effort. Everytime."
Mallory was about to finisg her speech until she saw Brooke and another girl laughing. She went up to the two and finished her speech staring right in front of them. "And its important to pay attention to your squad. Someone could end up dead."

Mrs. Marin picked Brooke up after the orientatation. Brooke felt humiliated when Mallory put her on the spotlight. "So.Are you ready?" her mom asked.
"Yeah." Brooke answered doubtfully.

This has exactly the same problems as your under pressure thing.

This had an interesting setting.

I wasn't sure who was doing the speaking in the first paragraph. When you change speakers, start a new paragraph. (If the speaker didn't change in that paragraph, then please clarify.)

I think the main problem was that it was too short. You had an interesting setting and plot, but the story flew by.

Describe things. Expand things. Tell me about the scenery, the other people, the way people were talking, anything.

"Brooke felt humiliated when Mallory put her on the spotlight."

This sentence felt out of place in the last paragraph. Maybe you could put it somewhere else? Or reword it? Overall, you don't want to TELL a reader what's going on. Show me. For example, instead of that sentence you could write something like "brooke remembered her previous humiliation..."

Obviously, you don't have to change it. Just think about it in your future stories.

=)

Hello!
Okay I noticed a couple of things, watch your spelling and grammar. Proofread your work before you sumbit. You had a couple of added words in there and I had to re-read the sentence to see what it was you were trying to say. If you click "spell check" before you turned it in that word help out alot.

I liked the setting and the fact that you had no problem imbarassing your charcter in the first chapter. That helps with the personality.

Theres always time to improve and always room for it!

Hello!
Okay I noticed a couple of things, watch your spelling and grammar. Proofread your work before you sumbit. You had a couple of added words in there and I had to re-read the sentence to see what it was you were trying to say. If you click "spell check" before you turned it in that word help out alot.

I liked the setting and the fact that you had no problem imbarassing your charcter in the first chapter. That helps with the personality.

Theres always time to improve and always room for it!

sorry didnt mean to put that in there twice!