Us

Sweet berry marmalade,
A batch made just for you.
Papa's chopping firewood,
And Mama's making stew.

The sky light is dimming from hill-to-hill,
A few bright stars scattered high.
Splashes of red, and orange, and pink,
Dashed on the easel in the sky.

Sneak out back and wait for me,
Beneath our special tree.
Keep the blanket nice and warm,
Make sure to bring the tea.

Your dad doesn't like the thought of "us".
He's afraid of what I'll do.
Your mother on the other hand,
Knows how much I care for you.

I wish we didn't have to hide from him,
By sneaking out at night.
He refuses to give "us" a chance.
God he's so uptight!

You're laying on your back,
When I meet you beneath the moon.
An owl hoots and the wind whispers,
The crickets chirping a tune.

Next to you I seat myself,
Giving my jam jar and spoon.
You pass me the bread and a cup of juice,
On this 18th day of June.

"Happy anniversary," I smile,
A kiss from me to you.
You lick cake frosting from your lips,
Whispering, "Nic, I love you."

-------------
Hope you liked it. It's my first, and dedicated to my gf. (LoveAlways,Rose.) Love you! See ya, guys.

-Nicholas

I love this poem. Your girlfriend is very lucky, this is incredibly sweet and well written. you've used the rhyme effectively and it's easy to relate to because it features around real life with an easy-going, romantic tone. One thing I will point out is that your rhythm is a little off in places...

Sweet berry marmalade,
A batch made just for you.
Papa's chopping firewood,
And Mama's making stew.

Light dimming from hill-to-hill,
A few bright stars scattered high.
Splashes of red, orange, pink,
Dashed on an easel in the sky.

Sneak out back and wait for me,
Sit beneath our special tree.
Keep the blanket nice and warm,
And be sure to bring the tea.

Your dad dislikes the thought of "us".
He's afraid of what I might do.
Your mother on the other hand,
Knows how much I care for you.

I hate when we deceive him,
By sneaking out at night.
Why can't he give "us" a chance.
Must he be so uptight!

You're laying on your back,
When we meet beneath the moon.
An owl hoots, wind whispers,
The crickets chirp our tune.

Next to you, I seat myself,
Giving my jam jar and spoon.
You pass the bread, a cup of juice,
On this 18th day of June.

"Happy anniversary,"
I smile. A kiss from me to you.
You lick cake frosting from your lips,
Whispering, "Nic, I love you."

________________
Don't feel you have to use the suggestions because I can see that this poem is personal and means a lot to you.

This poem really didn't do anything for me. It didn't navel gaze, and there were emotions, but they didn't come out, and I didn't feel anything. You listed stuff, just things. But there was nothing I could feel. I couldn't relate to it. But it didn't navel gaze either, not too much, imo.

You rhymed, but this would do so much better with a rhythm, too. it just falls around a lot, if that makes sense, without a rhythm. It needs more structure.

I can't really think of what else to say on this... =/

:cries tears of joy: Nic you're such a sweetheart! *hugs and kisses* But don't think that just because I started swooning, you get a sugar-coated crit. Hehe!

I agree with kitty15 50% and I agree with Claudette the other 50%. Yes, as kitty said, this was incredibly sweet and you did justice to the rhyming and rhythm and everything. Some of her suggestions were good to use, instead of some of things you said. Not saying you should use every single word she used, but it flowed a bit better. (ie: kitty's version of the 1st and 4th stanza)

to kitty: I KNOW! I'M EXTREMELY LUCKY!! :cries some more::

Now agreeing with Claudette, your emotions were there but they didn't really come out the way I think you had hoped. You listed some of the things, so there were some parts that I really couldn't feel. Also, I disagree with her about the structure and rhythm. I felt it just fine, not just because it was for me, but I just could.

So brava! ::claps:: I loved it from beginning to end.

*hugs and kisses* Love you! ::runs off to her room crying more tears of joy:: lol

Rose

This stanza irked me, mostly because it went close to navel-gazing:

I wish we didn't have to hide from him,
By sneaking out at night.
He refuses to give "us" a chance.
God he's so uptight!

Maybe you can delete it. It'll probably be better that way...

Anyway, cool stuff!

I like the sing-song-ness, though the rhythme is a bit clumsy some times. It's cute, but other than being a poem for your girlfriend, I don't think it really accomplishes much. Which is fine, I suppose.

Yes this was very sweet. I agree with Snoink though. That stanza should go. It does nothing for the poem but mess with the rhyme a bit.

You're laying on your back,
When I meet you beneath the moon.
An owl hoots and the wind whispers,
The crickets chirping a tune.

**Also the last too lines in this stanza threw me off. I don't really get why the hooting of owls and cricket chirping was important. I DO see that you wanted a bit of a sound to site kind of poem but that was the only bit I saw and it seemed a little out of place. Easily fixed by replacing those lines with something else Of course.

Great Job!
Keep at it!
~Rieda