An untitled short story.

--Removed--

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Smiling, the waiter strolled over to the table three down and filled the white china cups with tea.

A minor suggestion here: ‘the waiter’ is repeated here from the first paragraph, you could have ‘he’ or ‘she’.

“Enjoy your food, ladies,” he said, bowing after he had set down the food.

Repetition of food when it can easily be changed into something like: … he said, bowing after setting the plates down.

The man who had opened it removed his bowler hat and cloak, draping the latter over his arm and holding the former between two fingers. The newcomer sat at a table by the front windows, pulling a menu towards him with his pipe between his teeth.

It would be better to have ‘the man’ as ‘the newcomer’ so you don’t have to explain it was he who had opened the door, which is repetitious. So the next sentence can read much easier: The man sat at a table by the front windows, pulling a menu towards him with a pipe between his teeth.

This way I got ride of one of the ‘his’.

The waiter still did not respond and continued onto his next task, cleaning the dirty china off [s]of[/s] a table and taking it back into the kitchen. When he re-emerged, the newcomer stood up and walked over to him.

^^^ See quote

Ignorant of his two would-be partons, the waiter continued on bustling in and out of the café’s kitchen, serving food to an empty restaurant that had not served a customer in twenty years.

‘partons’ = patrons

*

Hello Razor!

At first I thought all this work was too much for one man and now I have to wait for the next part. Please write!

The only thing you’d need to watch out for are those repetitions and also try having various genders: you have three ‘main’ characters who are all male and his and his appear often that you’re forced to write ‘the newcomer’, ‘the waiter’, etc. You don’t have to change it but it is a suggestion, just to avoid confusion.

Apart from that I liked it, and hope to read more. Will help with the title later on.

Myth