how to save a life: under pressure

"Since no one was hurt, can you please sign thes relase?" asked Sam to Jake Fray's parents.
"It was your fault." yelled Mrs. Fray.
" Well he could've...." yelled Mr. Fray.
She counts him off,"He was nervous."
Jake just got his permit from the DMV. He thouht he wad being a responsible driver. He was calm,cool, and collective. he did'nt know the car was going to crash into the garage!
"Please sign this." Sam cried. he shoved the clipboard into the angry faces but the parents continue to yell. Brooke and Ryan waited in the ambulance in boredom.
Brooke wondered " what are they going to do with that hole in the wall?" Ryan replies" I think plaster." Then they got into a conversation about plaster.
Jake is so scared the he tore about the garage."I'm sorry dad." he mumbled. His dad did'nt buy it. His dad replied. " That doesn't cut it. Go and park the car somewhere eles.We will talk later."
Jake went to the car. He puts the keys in the ignition. He backs the car out and starts to move out. Jake is back to calm, cool, and collective.
And hits the fire hydrant on his way out!

Hank walks down the halls of Kingsport High. He is part of student council and there is an emergency meeting. He wonders what it could be about.
He opens the door of RM 103. All the other members are already there. A few minutes later, Miley, el presidente, hits her gravel. she annonces " Okay.As you know, Kingsport Community Service Week is coming up. As our council project, we each have to do communtity service report. Everyone has started their project except Laurie and Hank."
Laurie responded " I already started training a guide dog." Miley looks at her list. She forgot that Laurie signed up for one. " Oh yeah, forgot. I guess the only one left is Hank."
Hank replies " What about the EMT program?"
" Leo is already covering that."
" But Leo is a trainee. I have been doing that for a year and a half. I could better on the projcet the he can."
Miley goes over to Hank and puts his shoulder and says" I know your busy but either do a cs or get suspended by the president aka moi.
LATER THAT AFTERNOON
Laurie is team captain of the cheer team. Her favorite thing to do is stunts. She is the best flyer in the squad. during the practice, fer usual team and Laurie attempted a cradle. All is well until they couldn't get a grip on her and ... dropped her.
Hank and his twin sister, Hillary were on call this time.They came into the gym with the strecher. Laurie took a steep fall. She was okay except for the fact she can hardly move. The twins checked her vitals and as always Hillary came up with an educational guess. " What do you think?" Hank asked her. Hillary wasn't sure she asked him. " Me?" she asked. "Yeah you. Your preety good at this." he answered back. Hillary told him that she might have broken bones and it could take weeks to heal. Laurie heard them and asked Hank if he could do a favor.

please comment and give any story suggestion. I have writer's block. It susposed to be based on the old disney channel show "In A Heartbeat."

RED= Fix

smk wrote:"Since no one was hurt, can you please sign thes relase?" [asked Sam to Jake Fray's parents.] awkward phrasing, consider changing to "Sam asked Jake Fray's parents," or something like that. It's smoother and makes more sense.
"It was your fault." yelled Mrs. Fray.
[ " Well he could've...."(1.) yelled Mr. Fray.
She counts (2) him off,"He was nervous."] 1. When a character in dialouge is cut off you would use - instead of ... 2. replace 'Counts' with 'cuts'.
[ Jake just got his permit from the DMV. He thouht he wad being a responsible driver. He was calm,cool, and collective. he did'nt know the car was going to crash into the garage! ] There are a few things wrong with this sentece. First: You start out in present tense, then switch to past for the rest of the paragraph. Not really a good thing. Second: Calm, cool, collected. Another tense situation. Third: Didn't. Not Did'nt. Though I suppose that's just a typo. Fourth: The last sentece also changes tenses. Change the was to would. And you don't really need the exclamation point. It takes away from the writing.
["Please sign this." Sam cried. he shoved the clipboard into the angry faces but the parents continue to yell. Brooke and Ryan waited in the ambulance in boredom.] Capatalize "he" in the second sentance. Once again. Remeber your tense. Is this in the present or past tense. Make up your mind please. From now on I wont point it out directly but will just put the word tense in purple. Oh yeah, and move the last sentence into the next paragraph.
Brooke wondered " what are they going to do with that hole in the wall?" [NEW PARAGRAPH]Ryan replies" I think plaster." Then they got into a conversation about plaster. Wondered has to do with thinking, not asking. Change to asked and put a comma after it. After that, NEW PARAGRAPH, and move Ryan repli[ed] after what he said. Lastly, if the conversation isn't important enough to include, don't mention it. This whole, Brooke and Ryan section seems unnecesarry. TENSE .
Jake is so scared the he tore about the garage."I'm sorry dad." he mumbled. His dad did'nt buy it. [NEW PARAGRAPH] His dad replied. " That doesn't cut it. Go and park the car somewhere eles.We will talk later." Take out the first sentence, and find a better way to describe Jake's feelings. Show, don't tell. Also, his dad seems much too relaxed, show his anger as well. And put a space between sentences. TENSE.
Jake went to the car. He puts the keys in the ignition. He backs the car out and starts to move out. Jake is back to calm, cool, and collective. This is a really boring paragraph, I'm sorry. But you're just saying saying saying with no real story between. It's just...pointless. TENSE
And hits the fire hydrant on his way out! Okay, this is something you would find in a little kids book. Honestly. No offense, but think about it.
Hank walks down the halls of Kingsport High. He is part of student council and there is an emergency meeting. He wonders what it could be about. He wonders what it could be about. Don't say this. Please. It's a very bad technique. TENSE
He opens the door of RM 103. All the other members are already there. A few minutes later, Miley, el presidente, hits her gravel. she annonces " Okay.As you know, Kingsport Community Service Week is coming up. As our council project, we each have to do communtity service report. Everyone has started their project except Laurie and Hank." Spell out room. Don't say el presidente, just say president. Capatalize the first word of a sentence. No space between quotation marks and dialouge. Space between sentences. TENSE
Laurie responded " I already started training a guide dog." [NEW PARAGRAPH] Miley looks at her list. She forgot that Laurie signed up for one. " Oh yeah, forgot. I guess the only one left is Hank." Once again, no space between quotation and the word. TENSE
Hank replies " What about the EMT program?" TENSE
" Leo is already covering that."
" But Leo is a trainee. I have been doing that for a year and a half. I could better on the projcet the he can."
Miley goes over to Hank and puts his shoulder and says" I know your busy but either do a cs or get suspended by the president aka moi. Explain what a CS is, take out the end of the last sentence (by the presedent-end) and finish the quotation.
[s]LATER THAT AFTERNOON[/s] Take it out
Laurie is team captain of the cheer team. Her favorite thing to do is stunts. She is the best flyer in the squad. during the practice, fer usual team and Laurie attempted a cradle. All is well until they couldn't get a grip on her and ... dropped her. I don't know how to fix this. Just about everything in it could use improvement. Your sentences are too short, it makes too many stops in the story. Capatalization please!!!!!!! Don't try getting dramatic with the ...'s it sounds childish and silly. TENSE
Hank and his twin sister, Hillary were on call this time.They came into the gym with the strecher. Laurie took a steep fall. She was okay except for the fact she can hardly move. The twins checked her vitals and as always Hillary came up with an educational guess.[NEW PARAGRAPH] " What do you think?" Hank asked her. Hillary wasn't sure she asked him.[NEW PARAGRAPH] " Me?" she asked.[NEW PARAGRAPH] "Yeah you. Your preety good at this." he answered back. Hillary told him that she might have broken bones and it could take weeks to heal. Laurie heard them and asked Hank if he could do a favor. The usual. This just sounds childish.... TENSE


please comment and give any story suggestion. I have writer's block. It susposed to be based on the old disney channel show "In A Heartbeat."

The things that bothered me most: You mixed up tense so much, let me explain what they are.
Present Tense / Past Tense
Is/was
Am/was
is/has
can't/couldn't
ect.

Also, your short senteces gave it a very jagged feeling. Not good for the reader.

Characters:
Your characters were all over the place. You started with some guy in a car crash, went to some random pointless people, a cheerleader, some more random people. I couldn't keep up. It created an overall air of poinlessness.

Note: I apologize if I seem like I'm being harsh, it is not my intention.

QuickFix:
My suggestion, and I guess, homework that I give to you is this. Read. Pick up your favorite book but the author you like the most and study it. What sentence structure, dialouge styles, and description. Look at the conistancy of their tence and voice, look at how they introduce new characters. Practice using their style on short stories and you will find that your writing will vastly improve, and you will also eventually develop your own writing style as well.

If you have any further questions, feel free to PM me, and I'll see what I can do to help!
Good luck!
-JC

I was going to do a proper critique of this until I realized the obnoxious number of spelling errors. I spelled a ton of things wrong in this, but I used the glorious and almighty tool commonly known as Spell Check.

Invest in one. Most people's spelling sux, hence the program. Neither you nor I are an exception.

Your tenses are all screwed up, which is annoying.

My other irritation: You don't seem to understand the beauty of said. It is virtually invisible. Context should give enough info for the reader to be able to tell that Robert is asking or that Francine is crying.

You also chronically under use commas.