first half of a chapter of a book im starting

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Prologue

My name is Markus, Markus Flint. I could tell you what I am and what I was, but you wouldn’t believe me. In my old home town they would have said I was an excellent kid, a straight A student, and did what I could for my community. My parents would say I was the best child, never talked back, didn’t complain, and didn’t beg. But all that changed when I turned sixteen....

Chapter 1
Murder


I awoke with alarm going off. I looked at it and it read six o’clock. So I dragged myself out of bed and walked out of my bedroom. Then went into the bathroom.

I looked into the mirror and saw a teenager with pale skin, red eyes, and snow white hair. Yes, I’m an albino. I was a skinny boy then, weak, and helpless. Then I brushed my teeth, took a bath, combed my hair, and got dressed.

“Markus!” yelled my mom from downstairs. “Come down breakfast is ready.”

“Coming Ma,” I yelled back. So I walked out of the bathroom and headed down the steps.

When I reached the kitchen I reached a sweet aroma of french toast, my favorite breakfast meal. “So what is the special occasion ma?” I inquired.

“Don’t you ever looked at the calendar silly,” replied my mom, “today is sixteenth birthday.” I forgot about that that day never really paying any attention to a calendar. “So sit down my growing little boy while I make you a plate.” And she headed off to the stove and started filling a plate with some of the toast.

“And since it’s your sixteenth birthday you almost a man,”said his father behind his paper at the head of the table. “So since this man gets his driver’s licence here soon, me and your mom thought we get you a car. Look outside.”

And when I looked out the nearest window I saw a new car, a blue like the midnight sky. My eyes widened and I beamed at my parents. “Thanks, really, but you didn’t have.” I said.

“But you do my straight A student,”said his mom as she set down his plate of french toast down. “Now we’ll take you to school till get that licence and I think the first test is in two days and don’t worry we signed you up for a private test.” So I finished my french toast and I got into my mom’s car and she took me to school.

“Bye ma,” I said when we reach my Jacksonville High School, a small but one of the best schools there is, and was getting out.

“Bye,” she said back and she pulled away.

“Hey man, over here,” yelled a familiar voice.

“Hey Rick,” I said to my good friend.

“So today your birthday?” he asked.

“Yeah and you’ll never guess what my parents got me”

“What?”

“A new car.”

“Man you are lucky, all I’d get from my parents is a pack of gum. So you driven it yet?

“No, not till I get my drivers licenced. The first test for them should be in two days when

And then the bell rang for class. “Dammit, I’m going to be late for class. Bye.” I said and headed for my homeroom class.

The next two days passed without incident. You might be wondering why I’m telling you of who used to be instead of who I am now. But to understand me now you have to look back to when it all started.

The day of the drivers test had finally arrived, on Saturday at noon, and was to some extent excited and nervous, but I knew I would pass it, haven’t failed a test yet. I studied the terms I need for the written part of the test. I also convinced my dad to let me practice the driving part of the test in the driveway, so I was confident I’d passed.

Tell me what you think, it's not a finished chapter I just want someones oppinion before continueing. And I need a title name.




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All right, first and foremost, proofread. Proofreading can be tedious (I know I hate reading my own work over and over again) but it is important, because you catch little errors you never even noticed before.

Here's some things that need to be corrected:

I awoke with alarm going off. I looked at it and it read six o’clock. So I dragged myself out of bed and walked out of my bedroom. Then went into the bathroom.

Try giving more detail or emotion. What was he thinking when he was walking to the bathroom? What he was going to do at school today? Groaning over a test he had to take that day? What was he doing? Ruffling his hair with his hand, rubbing his eyes, adjusting his crooked pajamas? Descriptions like this will get the reader's attention and provide them with sharp visuals.

I was a skinny boy then, weak, and helpless.

Why does he say he is helpless? Did he have a run-in with a bully or an enemy at school one day? I'm curious about this.

“today is your sixteenth birthday.”

Proofreading will prevent this problem: accidentally leaving out little words such as is, it, he, she, you, your, was, ect.

“No, not till I get my drivers licenced. The first test for them should be in two days when

Should look like

“No, not till I get my driver's licence. The first test for it should be in two days, when--"

The dialouge is a little rough and choppy: at the moment, I feel as if Markus is flat and unemotional (and I know he's not supposed to be). Explain what he is feeling or doing, or maybe add some details of his past. This will make the reader more interested. :)

Keep up the good work.
Last edited by BrokenSword on Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:41 am, edited 1 time in total.




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First thing I noticed is that you have quite a few grammatical errors in there, mostly to do with comma use. There are a lot of sentences in there that need a comma or semicolon put in them, for example:
“Don’t you ever looked at the calendar silly,” should be “Don’t you ever look at the calendar, silly,”
also, as I've mentioned there, there are a few words missing/incorrect that you should look at~ this kind of thing is quite frequent here, so you should look through again for mistakes.
EDIT; ah, the poster before me got there first ;D
your first paragraph doesn't have these mistakes, so I'm not sure if you didn't look through after or something...

It also is quite slow paced, and nothing much has happened- although you did say this was unfinished.

Apart from the grammatical mistakes, this is looking quite interesting; the beginning makes me want to find out what happens.

Hope I helped a little n__n





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So no one gets confused this is a kind of flash back to the Markus Flint in the future. Also Im going to give him demonic powers [not given anything else away} and this is supposed to be how he got them.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
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Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




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Ok, i am sorry to say that you could do much better if you tried, and you know you can do better from what you post in the storry book. Also i saw a place where a comma is needed, I do not remember excatly where but somehwere in the beginning! So tell me when you have revised or have writtien more and will gladly read it. YOu have a great storry, the prolouge was a hook,line and sinker, but i still think you could add some more emotion.

Most kids would not just smile about a new car. most would jusmp up and hug the dikens out of them.

just reminder, i posted in the story book!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Twilight rocks!
New Moon rules!
Eclispe kicks butt!
In coclusion, Steaphine Meyer is a rocking, ruling, and kick butt authour!
That is the TRUTH!




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marcus flint is the name of that one dood in harry potter XD
lots of grammatical errors,
but you can fix those =)
just develop a bit more of a plot, some description, and maybe an eyecatching beginning, and you'll be on your way.
keep writing!
-Andi x3s youuu-




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O.K., your most obvious flaw here is that you're not using the law of natural punctuation. ^^

The rule of natural punctuation is this: when you're talking to a friend, the natural punctuation is when you pause or take a breath normally.

This applies to all writing and dialogue.

Aside from that, I suggest you print out all your story, get a comfy chair and red-pen it silly. A simple proofread can work wonders, you know. :D

Oh, yes, and Marcus Flint IS the name of a HP character, as mentioned by someone above me. ^^

I'd like to see the next chapter- this is going to get interesting, I can tell. :D

PM me if you have any questions,
Ink
ohmeohmy




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Ok, this story definitely has possibilities, but i agree with the majority of your other critiques. It really needs to be proofread and edited.

Grammar, writing technicalities, etc., aside...

Right now, Markus does not seem like a real person. He's sort of like a puppet that goes through all the motions of a real person, but doesn't really exist. (does that make sense? I'll try to explain better from now on.) For example, he got a car. It's his birthday. Even the fact that he's albino. Does Markus have any thoughts or feeling on these subjects? I mean it's his life. Shouldn't he be excited or resentful or happy? Give him more of a personality! it'll make the story so much better!

After i reread that whole paragraph, i'd like to stress that i don't expect you to make him some happy, perky cheerleader type either. Just give him some feeling.

So as stated before, it has definite possibilities. If you either write more or fix this one, tell me! i'd like to read it!

=)
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
-Michael Pritchard



Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality