Chapter 1 (An idea, not title yet)

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I slipped into Lake Kilter, a heart stopping chill going through me. I jolted a bit, my muscles stiffened, but I kept going further into the icy water. Slowly, I trudged through the muddy sand, trying not to think about it. The glassy water reached my knees, waist, elbows, neck. I slid under, not needing to take a breath.

When you're a little kid, and you take swimming lessons at the community pool, it is always really scary the first time. Struggling with the kick board, learning to float on your back, and trying to hold your breath was so difficult. You would slide of the kick board, panic when you try to float, and inhale lots of water. It is all very common for normal children, which brings me to my conclusion that I am a freak of nature.
When I took my first lesson, we started out with blowing bubbles in the water. All the four and five-year-olds try to take breaths while there face was dipped in the luke warm water. That was the only normal thing I did. They all came up coughing and sputtering. When I took my breath, my lungs filled-- with air. I let out my breath, making the air bubbles roll up around my face, and I got a pat on my sunburned back by the swimming instructor, as she told me I did a good job.
And when we learned to paddle around with the kick boards, I tore across the pool, my feet flying, but making no splashes. The instructor and my mother told me what a good swimmer I was. They never suspected anything unusual.
I'm sure you've suspected that I was like an angel, gliding across the surface of the water, and you're right. I slid right across the pool, totally relaxed like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Mom was very excited that she had gave birth to an amazing swimmer.
I thought it was great too, then. Now, I think it is the scariest thing I could think of.. It's terrifying to wonder what would happen if somebody knew.

Pushing myself through the murky water, I saw the occasional minnow and bug. My body had started to go numb with coldness. I kept swimming though, thankful that I couldn't tell how cold it was.
Normally I would swim at the dreaded community pool if I was really that desperate to swim, which at times I was, but the pool was closed for cleaning today, and this was my only other choice. I had never been swimming here before, and I was pleased to see nobody was here this early in the morning.
The water was unusually smooth, which was a bit unnerving. I swam under the docks where all the boys my age liked to horse around and jump off of. I came to some large rocks, which only the more daring jumped off. The water was a lot clearer, and warmer here. There was a gap between two of the rocks, and sparkly air bubbles were clinging to it, and only there, like a penny in a glass of water. My head got really warm, and I peeked inside. Two amethyst eyes peered back at me, making my heart skip a beat.
My whole body tightened as I started sinking, petrified with fear, when a girl around my age slipped out of the gap, the same eyes I saw, started to pull on my arm, tugging me towards the space between the rocks.
I thrashed around, wondering if she was trying to drown me, (which was impossible with my situation).
The girl had wavy black hair, that was cut at earlobe level. She was dressed in a tank-top that was faded from being underwater, and skin tight purple leggings that matched her eyes. Multicolored seaweed was wrapped around her arms, legs, and waist. Seaweed, especially rainbow colored, definitely didn't grow around here.
"Stop wiggling around!" she whined, air bubbles forming every time she said a word, "I'm Lena, and you're Jasper. I know who you are. I know what you are. You're just like me! I've been sent to come get you, so just come with me, see where I live."
Lena pulled me forcefully through the gap, before I could object.
Moo you.




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This is nice and imaginative but your tenses are a bit rough and I found a few other mistakes... Here are the corrections I think you need to make...


I slipped into Lake Kilter, a heart stopping chill going through me. I jolted a bit, my muscles stiffened, but I kept going further into the icy water. Slowly, I trudged through the muddy sand, trying not to think about it. The glassy water reached my knees, waist, elbows, neck. I slid under, not needing to take a breath.

When you're a little kid, and you take swimming lessons at the community pool, it is always really scary the first time. Struggling with the kick board, learning to float on your back, and trying to hold your breath can be so difficult. You probably used to slide off the kick board, panic when you tried to float, and inhaled lots of water. It is all very common for normal children, which brings me to the conclusion that I am a freak of nature.
When I took my first lesson, we started out with blowing bubbles in the water. All the other four and five-year-olds tried to take breaths while their faces were dipped in the luke warm water. That was the only normal thing I did. They all came up coughing and sputtering. When I took my breath, my lungs filled-- with air. I let out my breath, making the air bubbles roll up around my face, and I got a pat on my sunburned back by the swimming instructor, as she told me I did a good job.
And when we learned to paddle around with the kick boards, I tore across the pool, my feet flying, but making no splashes. The instructor and my mother told me what a good swimmer I was. They never suspected anything unusual.
I'm sure you've suspected that I was like an angel, gliding across the surface of the water, and you're right. I slid right across the pool, totally relaxed like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Mom was very excited that she had given birth to an amazing swimmer.
I thought it was great too, then. Now, I think it is the scariest thing I could think of.. It's terrifying to wonder what would happen if somebody knew.

Pushing myself through the murky water, I saw the occasional minnow and bug. My body had started to go numb from the cold. I kept swimming though, thankful that I couldn't tell how cold it was.
Normally I would swim at the dreaded community pool if I was really that desperate to swim, which at times I was, but the pool was closed for cleaning today, and this was my only other choice. I had never been swimming here before, and I was pleased to see nobody was here this early in the morning.
The water was unusually smooth, which was a bit unnerving. I swam under the docks where all the boys my age liked to horse around and jump off. I came to some large rocks, which only the more daring jumped off. The water was a lot clearer, and warmer here. There was a gap between two of the rocks, and sparkly air bubbles were clinging to it, but only there, like a penny in a glass of water. My head got really warm, and I peeked inside. Two amethyst eyes peered back at me, making my heart skip a beat.
My whole body tightened as I started sinking, petrified with fear, when a girl around my age slipped out of the gap, the same eyes I saw, started to pull on my arm, tugging me towards the space between the rocks.
I thrashed around, a slight fear that she was trying to drown me flickered through my thoughts. A foolish, inexplicable fear but not for the usual reasons. For all I knew, this girl had that very intention but how can a boy who can breathe under water drown?
The girl had wavy black hair, that was cut at earlobe level. She was dressed in a tank-top that was faded from being underwater, and skin tight purple leggings that matched her eyes. Multicolored seaweed was wrapped around her arms, legs, and waist. Seaweed, especially rainbow colored, definitely didn't grow around here.
"Stop wriggling around!" she whined, air bubbles forming every time she said a word, "I'm Lena, and you're Jasper. I know who you are. I know what you are. You're just like me! I've been sent to come get you, so just come with me, see where I live."
Lena pulled me forcefully through the gap, before I could object.

_____________
Also, some more imagery would be nice but it has potential and I'd love to read more.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

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Ok, thanks for the suggestions.
Actually Jasper is a girl, it was my friends dog's names, and I couldn't think of anything else. But anyway, yeah, thanks! I'm typing this at school right now, and I was happy to FINALLY get some critque. Usually I have to wait a few days. ;)
Moo you.




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I thought this seemed a little rough, too. I liked it, and I'd love to read more, but I think you might want to do another draft of this.
"Nothing I could write would be as shocking and offensive as censorship itself." -Deb Caletti




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i think people are being a bit too picky.
since this is JUST an idea thus far, it's a really good start.
very imaginative.
=)
keep writing!
-Andi x3s youuu-



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