Your Umbrella

It’s raining
I’m glad I have your umbrella.
You left it with me remember?
I guess you don’t
It was nothing to you.
That’s strange
Because that umbrella
Burns my memory
I can just imagine
It was once held by
Those hands I hoped would hold my own
That umbrella
Remembers you too.
You can see it by the way
It seems sadder now
You left it behind,
With the girl you left behind
The two forgotten
Standing in the rain
Remembering,
Those soft, steady hands
That so softly, so steadily,
Waved goodbye.

I really liked this, you managed to put forward quite a complex idea very well.
I liked the repetition in 'You left it behind,
With the girl you left behind '
I thought that emphisised your point really well.
I am not sure if I like the repetition of soft/softly in the last 3 lines... hmmm...

Anyway, great read!
Keep writing, I will keep reviewing...

~SishBee~

i like it but it doesnt explain much.

*head explodes* This totally got that rihanna song stuck in my head.

Hm...i dont think it was a really complex idea. I think it was quite a simple idea really. Not that that's a bad thing.

Im not so keen on the line
"You can see it by the way"

It just doesnt seem to fit. Even just taking it out might be an improvement. However, it is entirely your poem so if you like it, ignore me XD

Apart from that though, I thought it was quite good. Keep it up x

XD i love that rihanna song!

This poem sounds more like a little riddle tune thing you teach year 2s after a spelling test. Only a bit more grown up. It doesn't seem to have much levels to it. Sorry. But then agian, Im not a poetry person, so I could be wrong.

A beautiful poem; deceptively simple, I think. Your line breaks could use a little bit of work, as could your punctuation and I would not capitalize every line but otherwise I think this is truly lovely.

Red = suggested corrections
Blue = comments



It’s raining.
I’m glad I have your umbrella.
You left it with me remember?
I guess you don’t -
it was nothing to you,
which is strange, because
that umbrella burns my memory. --- not sure about these lines. Need some way to integrate the idea of not remembering and being strange more smoothly. I've suggested something here, but you might like to figure out your own way.
I can just imagine
it was once held by
those hands I hoped would hold my own. --- again, a smoother transition needed. Why can you only just imagine it? Perhaps better phrasing might be "I always imagine" or "I can stand here and imagine."
That umbrella
remembers you too.
You can see it by the way -- I think this reads better as "You can tell by the way/it seems sadder now.
it seems sadder now. -- not sure re: punctuation here. Are you trying to say, "it seems sadder now you left it behind" or "it seems sadder now. You left it behind"?
You left it behind[s],[/s]
with the girl you left behind,
the two forgotten,
standing in the rain -- punctuation is difficult here. Seems like the sentence should be ending, but it keeps going. Perhaps play with it a little.
remembering[s],[/s]
those soft, steady hands,
that so softly, so steadily,
waved goodbye. -- love the ending.

A lovely piece. I'll look forward to reading more of your work!

Cheers,
~bubbles