Blooded - ver. 1.7

being redone please see last post on topic

If you spaced this out it would be much easier to read, you might get a few more reviews that way

Anyway...

His bloody corpse and mangled body lay there in a pool

Corpse and body are kind of the same thing, so this sentence does not really make al lthat much sense. And you have already told us that his body was mangled, maybe leave it out this second time?

The older of the two was about the age of thirteen.
His face was small and soft with its features. He had large hazel eyes that showed every emotion he felt. His nose was small petite and his pink lips were thin.
His light brown hair fell to the middle of his back and hid his small sharp tipped ears. His bangs were blondish reflecting the natural highlights in his hair, with a side flung over his left shoulder.
His figure was slight with a small back, revealing little muscle. His bare arms were small and slender with wrists and hands that appeared to be too small for a boy. His legs were thin with ankles and feet that looked both small and fragile.
He wore no shirt, nor cap, his beige pants fitting loosely, ending with a binding of white linen at his shins. On his feet he wore shoes of leather scraps, tied with strips of leather cord.

This whole paragraph seems like an info-dump, all this information at once can bore the reader, and it seems a little too much all at once, maybe you could reflect this boy's appearance more subtly, like have dialogue in between or something? Just anything to break it up a little would be good.
(and again with the younger boy)

unboyish face.

Feminine or effeminate face might sound better here?

Hope that helped a little bit, what I pointed out was the only things that I didnt particular think worked well/sounded right. Other than what I pointed out, i really liked this piece, and I hope you post more!

Meevs
x

im taking this down along with all my other blooded work specificall because i am ree writng most of it agian and would not be bothered by more coments than i already got, (around 70). thanks for all your support and the new version will be up as soon as its finished, but i may very well write the chapter through so give me at least a month ok?. thanks for the bump up in the rating, the majority of the rest is actually less bloody, only his memories are.

this will be copied to all posts by me until i figure out how to record all responses before topic deletion.