Syradrum 6 (Return Home)

Then I shot up in bed realizing I was no longer in Syradrum. The bed was my own, covered in pale yellow sheets and surrounded by white washed furniture.

Try finding some way to combine these sentences, it would make more sense that way. Like if you said, I shot up in bed realiszing I was no longer in Syradrum, the bed was mine, covered in plae yellow sheets... That way it flows better than with the period.

OHHH! I like the ending. Who's this guy? Your creative juices better be flowing tommorow so I can find out!!! ahhh!!! Just leave me hanging!

hehe, well I'm sure you can guess from that that once again I loved it! teehee. Can't wait for the next chapter =D

-JC

Yes! I was very excited to see this posted, not to mention it features the long-awaited return of Myles! Anyways, this was very enjoyable, and Myles is very cool.

I felt that the very beginning of this section was very abrupt. I have no problem with her waking up in her own bed - I think that is pretty neat, actually, but the idea of her shooting up out of bed and coming to the realization of where she is seems a bit abrupt. My suggestions are to give the reader a few more clues into what has happened before having Alex wake up and perhaps spend a bit more time with her waking up. If you've ever woken up in an unfamiliar place, you may note that it takes a few seconds to realize exactly where you are.

Your strong first person seemed to wane in this piece; there was much less delving into Alex's reactions to things, and Alex is what makes this story so interesting. I suggesting writing things more from her point of view, because this section seemed a bit more detached than the others. Describe her personal reactions to things, include her style of thinking, use some of her thoughts and you're set.

Lastly, I felt the scene with Myles and Alex was very, very laidback. You know the two character's best so please forgive me if I am off-base here, but I would have expected Alex to be more flustered at awaking in her own room. I would have expected her to run into Myles room to be sure this really was her house and to just bombard him with her story. On the other hand, I would have expected Myles to be more surprised upon her return and ask more frantic questions. As I've said, these are your characters, so don't have this happen just because I said that's what I expected, but examine your character's reactions to what is going on and be sure that is really where they are leading your words.

There were a few awkward places throughout the piece, but you've done so well with this that I think you would catch such things with a detailed readthrough. If you want me to do a nitpick, PM me, but I have a feeling that the things I have mentioned above will be more helpful to you.

Nicely done and keep writing. I will be anxiously awaiting the next section of Syradrum as you may have already predicted. Keep writing! PM me if you need anything! Toodles!

P.S. I am going to guess that the man at the end is the Aave. At first, I thought Addo, but I never imagined Addo with that deep of a voice, so I'm going with Aave.

-have alex think more about her family and dad and everyone. we still need to know more about her background! right now, she's just some person bc we don't know much about her.
-establish this for us: does alex like-like addo?
-if we are in england, then she would be using euros, not dollars. if we are in america, then addo will not say mum.
-she wouldn't be using dollars OR euros in syradrum.
-does the aave know about alex?
-is alex overdramatic? she can't have changed within the less than 24 hours since she met addo. she hasn't acted any differently. she didn't seem to care much about her bithol powers. she still seems indifferent.
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