A girl and her boy

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 12
This was deleted for some reason when I posted it last night.
If there's any reason for why it was deleted, could somebody tell me?
I'm not sure if it was a mistake or deleted purposefully.
Very random title, sorry.
Tell me what you think~

-------------


I could almost feel the damp of the mist on my skin; the grass would have been like soft velvet. Eyes barely touched the scenery around me, but I knew this unfamiliar sight so well. You might say that I knew it as well as my own house, my bedroom.

The motorcycle stood right beside me, just waiting. I didn’t need to be told what to do. I’d never used one before, never even ridden behind a loved one. But there I was, almost gliding with ease along the cobblestone track. The wind pushed my hair behind me with care like an adoring parent, and the sun shone as if its only purpose was to warm my face. I could just see the glistening lake in the distance; families dotted around it like constellations. That’s where I was heading; that was my destination.

But I was being followed; there was a boy behind me driving a similar vehicle. He reminded me of someone. And he was laughing, as if he had not a care in the world. He laughed as he manoeuvred his motorcycle closer and closer. As people around us screamed and scattered like small birds. And he laughed as we collided.

I didn’t blame him, of course I didn’t. Neither of us even had a scratch. We just lay there on the grass, watching the day go by, and not once did the two of us utter a single syllable for what felt like hours. He was older than me, I was sure of it. His hair dark and messy- like mine usually was- and his eyes a soft hazel, but those things were unimportant, and I barely noticed them.

His name formed upon my lips, and I finally spoke, but all he did was smile in return. It was such a warm and gentle expression.

Then I noticed; he was drawing. Drawing those who sat chatting nearby, their conversation inaudible. I never caught a glimpse of his pictures, but I knew that they would be beautiful. He worked attentively, occasionally glancing up at his subject for just a second. The surge of adoration grew inside of me, although what drove it I’d never know. My arms wrapped around his frame, pulling myself closer and closer until I could almost have heard his heart beating. It was so soft and warm, kind and loving, like a baby bird tucked carefully under the feathery bed of its mother. Would it have been stupid to say that I was in love? Of course I couldn’t be, what a ridiculous idea. I barely knew him at all. But that’s what it felt like, as real as it could be in that moment in time.

How long did we stay there? I don’t know. It felt like the seasons came and passed around us, despite how logically impossible that was. I think he even drew me at one point, but I never looked up from where I lay curled up by his side. I just wanted to stay there forever, where all my worries would vanish, and I could just smile secretly to myself.

But that could not last forever. Soon I sat at a friend’s house, chattering away as we do, sharing conversations and biscuits. Somebody broke the news, I can’t remember who exactly:

“He’s leaving town.”

I ran; I sprinted as fast as my legs could carry me. And there he was, that boy I met by the lakeside. Leaving without so much as a goodbye.

I did beg him not to leave. I tried as hard as I could, grovelling at his feet, pulling at his clothes. I tried everything. Did I cry? I think I must have, although I can’t quite remember it as he walked off into the distance. He was gone forever.

Would he even remember me, as I mourned for him? I don’t know. I’ll never know. I found the last resort, a telephone. But the keys were strange, confusing, in fact they weren’t even numbers at all… I dialled again and again, not knowing what I was doing, crying for help, crying for him. Fingers slipped over the buttons in a confusing jumble.

* * * * *

Wet, glistening tears poured down my face. I was in bed, in my own room at home. Light seeped through the gap in the curtains, and I could feel the warmth on my skin. I just couldn’t stop crying.
Last edited by Nyame on Wed May 16, 2007 10:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 11
Wow... That was so sad :( But it was so good! :D I really liked it. I like your descriptions; they're so crisp. And I like how the time in the story just went by like that--the a super fast ride on a motorcycle. I feel this really captured what it's like to fall in and out of love fast, and I liked it.
cheripoprocks at www.freewebs.com/popwriter
And check out Omnigirl, my new e-book series. Download it free at www.lulu.com/content/807907




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 566
This was deleted for some reason when I posted it last night.
If there's any reason for why it was deleted, could somebody tell me?
I'm not sure if it was a mistake or dleted purposefully.

-I don't think it was purposly deleted atall, I made several posts yesterday and they dissapeared, I think it was all with the big change of server and stuff some things got lost :)

That was simply amazing, mature, sad. just really good writing, you allow the reader to engage with your main character, to feel what she feels and you can get lost in what she does. It takes someone very talented to write something like that, well done!

meevs
xxx
Bag.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8413
Reviews 816
"You might say that I knew it as well as my own house, my bedroom. " This sentence was awkward; it might be better if you cut out "my own house" because the point seems to lie in "my bedroom"

"But there I was, almost gliding with ease along the cobblestone track" This sentence might be stronger if the word "almost" were eliminated because it avoids equivocation.

"And he laughed as we collided." I liked this sentence; I think it sums up the style of your writing well.

"I didn’t blame him, of course I didn’t" Here, I'd either make two sentences: "I didn't blame him. Of course I didn't" or keep a single sentence and eliminate the second 'I didn't' : "I didn't blame him, of course" to make it more concise.

"His name formed upon my lips, and I finally spoke, but all he did was smile in return." I wasn't sure how she knew his name in the first place. Is the reader supposed to assume that they introduced themselves?

"But that’s what it felt like, as real as it could be in that moment in time." I think it should be "at that moment in time" but I'm not positive.


"And there he was, that boy I met by the lakeside. Leaving without so much as a goodbye." Switch the period for a comma because the phrase "that boy I met by the lakeside" is more of an aside adding extra information, and "leaving without so much as a goodbye" seems to complete the first half of the first sentence.

"I did beg him not to leave." Use sentences such as this sparingly; too many will overwhelm the reader. Here, however, I think it works (if you were to reword it, it might change to "I begged him not to leave).

"I think I must have, although I can’t quite remember it as he walked off into the distance." the word "it" was awkward because I wasn't sure what it referred to. If it refers to her crying, I would eliminate the word, or add "doing" before it to clarify. If it refers to something else, try another pronoun. In this same paragraph, I disliked the word grovelling because it made the main character sound pathetic.

I was confused by the second to last paragraph because I couldn't figure out who she was calling (I'm assuming the boy she met) or why. I'd suggest getting rid of this paragraph because it only added confusion for me. If you really want to keep it, however, you might think about putting it somewhere else, such as right after the girl finds out the boy is leaving, right before she runs after him.

I think the last paragraph worked well, but I didn't like how it was separated with stars. I thought it was a signature, at first, because even though it seems to be a time change, none of the other time changes, like when the girl is at her friend's house, is offset with stars.

In general, I liked your descriptions, but be careful how often you use similies (especially with the word "like") because I thought to myself halfway through that there seemed to be alot of similies in this story.

I didn't care for the fact that the girl and the boy didn't interact much. It seemed to me that the boy was just doing whatever he pleased and the girl was clinging on to him and admiring him.

Good job, PM me if you need anything.

-Amelia




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 12
Wow, thanks for the reviews everyone!

@AmeliaOliver;; things like how she knew his name, how she could ride the motorbike, and the telephone are explained (kind of) in the last paragraph.

because it is all (apart from the last paragraph) actually a dream 8D -shot-
i hate endings like that. > n <


small font because it's a spoiler. 8D




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8413
Reviews 816
Ohhhh *gets it now*

Everything makes a little more sense, but I definately didn't get that the first time. Is there any way you could be a little more clear without straight telling everything straight away?



A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.
— Paul Simon