Mistake

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I know this is the third story I've posted, but this one is finished. Well, close to finished. Just a little editing, most likely.

Dedicated to my friend whose name will not be given; she died of Laryngeal Cancer. She thought that no one loved her, and so she started smoking. It gave her the cancer, and she died September 11, 2001. She died right before the Twin Towers accident. And one of the many people who died on 9/11 because of that was her mother.

It is true, how awfully fake it sounds. To learn more about Laryngeal Cancer go to:
http://www.entnet.org/healthinfo/throat ... Cancer.cfm

~~~~~~~~~~

_____My talent was singing. I’ve always loved it. My foster parents would sit with me as we watched vidoes they had filmed of me singing when I was seven. Yea, my foster parents. You see, when my mother got pregnant she didn’t know how. She didn’t know who the father was, how she had done anything, and she knew right from the beginning that I was a mistake. Just a small error in her life that could be fixed. And she could go on living happily, pretending I never existed. Maybe she wouldn’t have done that if she had known the rest of my life would be a mistake.

I’m not sure how I feel about remembering the orphanage. I was there for the first five years of my life. People say orphanages are horrible. I guess, from my point of view, they are home. Helen and Jack, “Mom and Dad”, didn’t adopt me because they came into the orphanage, saw me, and thought “Why, what a beautiful little girl! So sweet and gentle; she’s perfect for us.”. No, they never met me. They had asked for a boy. They didn’t care which one, just a boy around five or six.

Weren’t they surprised when they found me on their doorstep.

I knew something was wrong. They acted happy around me, but that was just it: an act. I could tell they were forcing their smiles and laughs. Taking millions of pictures of me because they wanted to love me. But I was a girl. I was a mistake.

I started singing because it was the only thing that brought me happiness. I could change all my feelings by singing different things. And I did it all the time. In the morning I sang while getting dressed, and eating breakfast. Sitting in the bath tub I would let me voice ring out and bounce back to me. And at night I stared at the moon and sang until I fell asleep.

I guess that’s why I made chorus when I was 11. My voice had evolved, changed, over the years. I was better than anyone else in chorus. And I kept at it too.

Sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth grade. I sang and sang and sang and never tired of it.

Until I got Laryngeal Cancer. It effects the voice box. I didn’t notice it at first. I just thought I had a cold, and my voice was cracking. But it got worse, and I definitely didn’t have a cold.

I can still feel a small bit of the horror I felt coming home that day. The doctor had told me I had Laryngeal Cancer. When I gave him a weird look he explained that it is a disease that attacks the voice box, and can cause you to go mute. Many people have died because of it.

In the car I just stared out the window, everything passing by me in blurs. All I can remember is Helen’s attempt at a comforting voice saying meanless words to me, and Jack’s smile, plastered on his face. I would have given anything to smack it off. They did not care; they did not cry and hug me, wondering if I was going to die. They did not think of how I was feeling, they didn’t even think of my singing.

By this time (I’m fifteen now) I am sitting in a dull white bed, writing down the small life I had. The mistake I was. At first I blamed God. He had given me life, and then gave me something to enjoy, letting it pull at my heart until I loved it with every ounce of my soul. And then he took it away. But now I realize it is not his fault.

It is my own.

The doctors say I have a month to live. I cannot talk at all any more. I was offered several free tutors to help me learn sign language, but I declined. What was the point if I’m going die?

No, I’m dead already.

Singing was my life, and now it has vanished from my sight.

I hope, I pray, that I die in my sleep tonight. So then the angels can take me up to heaven and I will have my voice, and I will sing the broken song that was once my life.

Because I am, of course, a mistake.
Last edited by Broken Wings on Sun Oct 01, 2006 2:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Admitting that you don't like reading is admitting that you don't have an imagination." -- Broken Wings




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Let me start off with a couple of punctuation corrections.

They acted happy around me, but that was just it; an act


I think it's meant to be a colon rather than a semi-colon.

I could tell they were forcing their smiles, and laughs.


You don't really need a comma there. Some other commas aren't need either unless you're trying to deliberately slow the pace, but I think it's better without.


œWhy, what a beautiful little girl! So sweet and gentle; she’s perfect for us.


At first I thought this sounded awkward but that may be part of the sarcasm in the character's voice. Nevermind if it is.


Now I can get onto what I really wanted to say: That was truly great. :) Heartfelt, sincere and developed. I think the girl's voice is clear and I especially love the mentions of her being a mistake; they are well-timed and not overboard. As a true story I think you've done your friend real justice.
*In dark my eyes reflect, flash like cats' eyes on the street. Stay awake again, until our eyes meet.*




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Yes, she is being sarcastic.

Thank you, this was actually one of the few short stories that I am proud of. It's just one of those things that you just pour out and when it's done you re-read it and wonder how in the world you wrote it.
"Admitting that you don't like reading is admitting that you don't have an imagination." -- Broken Wings




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-ninjas-
"Admitting that you don't like reading is admitting that you don't have an imagination." -- Broken Wings




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Aw... so sad. :(

Just a few things to clean up:

Yea, my foster parents.


Should be "yeah."

I’m not sure how I feel about remembering the orphanage. I was there for the first five years of my life. People say orphanages are horrible. I guess, from my point of view, they are home.


I don't know... I think I would like more information on the orphanage. If you can manage that.

Helen and Jack, “Mom and Dad”, didn’t adopt me because they came into the orphanage, saw me, and thought “Why, what a beautiful little girl! So sweet and gentle; she’s perfect for us.”.


Start this into a new paragraph. Also, "So sweet and gentle; she's perfect for us!"

No extra period needed!

Weren’t they surprised when they found me on their doorstep.


Just a quick comment... you don't tell us the gender of the narrator at first. ;)

And you might want to say in the story that she started smoking out of loneliness.

Still, very sad story. :(
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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The orphanage isn't supposed to be explained more. Besides, it's just an orphanage like all the others. It would be boring to explain it.

And besides, I'm not too familiar with orphanages myself and I don't want to go out of my way to find out more just to add some boring information onto a story that I want to entertain.
"Admitting that you don't like reading is admitting that you don't have an imagination." -- Broken Wings




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Hehe... I pointed that out because there was something lacking about that paragraph, and that lack made it slightly more confusing and less entertaining. You might want to add something more! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Maybe.... <.<
"Admitting that you don't like reading is admitting that you don't have an imagination." -- Broken Wings




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Sad story, but a good story.

And like Snoink said, mention that she started smoking. It seems like the cancer just comes out of nowhere.

Also, I think a little descrption of the orphanage would be good. I've seen many different orphanages in many different movies, and I was shifting back and forth between them reading about the orphanage. Even if you mention bare, bland walls, that's enough to keep me more focused on the story.

I teared up toward the end of the story. Good job.




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Very sad. I had tears. I think this piece came from your heart, thats why it's so touching and 'moving'. Looking forward to reading more of you stories.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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