The most beautiful eyes

This is a poem that i made up on the spot. I am not good at rhyming ot rhythm. I made more rhyming in this poem than my others. Please tell me how i could make this have better rhythm and make it rhyme.

The Most Beautiful Eyes

As i walked a lonely path
I ran into a girl not
Just another girl.
This girl had the most
Beautiful eyes a man
could see in his life.

The eyes were of a
Dull shade of blue
Giving the illusion
That they were
Almost a gray hue
They complimented
Her skin rather nicely

However, like many things
This was just an illusion
of beautiful colors that match.
Her personality was a fusion
of slut and cheap whore.
She smoked cigarettes and
marijuana as she drank
alcohol and watched porn.
This like many things was
only an illusion.

The rhyme, when you use it is fairly effective and doesn't seem forced. The rhythm at times is a bit sketchy and doesn't flow brilliantly.

The lines in your second stanza seem a bit short when compared to the last. Is that done on purpose to emphasis the change in illusion? I think that maybe it would work better if the rhythm flowed a bit more evenly.

However, like many things
This was just an illusion
of beautiful colors that match.
Her personality was a fusion
of slut and cheap whore.

For me these longer lines work much better than your shorter lines from before. You can get the description over and this stanza is more powerful than the previous two.

I think that the ending works very well, the first two stanzas are missing something. More vivid imagery, or something similar.

I think to improve the rhyme you should try and aim for some sort of syllable count or meter per line. That could change from stanza to stanza, maybe having the first two stanzas the same and then changing the last one to something longer. On the other hand you could have a set rhythm through out.

Not sure I can say much about the rhyme, what you've got works well.

So, nice idea, it sure took a sharp turn. Your line structure is off, I hit a lot of potholes and it was rather bumpy. You need commas in there as well, it will help give it more structure. The line lengths need to be looked at more closely.

The last line in the first stanza 'could would look and sound better if it was changed into 'had'.

ALSO NEVER FORGET TO CAPITALIZE 'I', IT LOOKS A LOT BETTER IF YOU DO, MORE PRESENTABLE.

The second stanza needs to be worked on a lot, it's a complete run off. No commas, not even a period. Work on this. I don't think you should capitalize each word at the beginning of each line, in my opinion. Try to lengthen the lines, making one sentence into seven lines is a bit much.

"Her personality was a fusion
of slut and cheap whore."

Would sound better if it was
"of a slut and a cheap whore."

Also it would flow better if marijuana and cigarettes were switched around, read it out loud, you'll see what I mean.

And maybe, "However, like many [*] things
This was just an illusion " - other should be added where the star is.

Try reading your poem out loud, it will help with the flow and the rhythm, this piece has plenty of room to improve. This has potential, it's still in its rough stages. I hope you get something out of this.

Peace.

- Fabien.

stupidiot92--


This is not working for me.

The speaker seems to be developmentally challenged (I think that's the current term), but as a reader I'm given no good reason to extend my interest in him or his situation. Perhaps the early focus on loneliness and illusions is supposed to instill a vague sense of foreboding.

My opinion is the best thing that you could do with this is to move on to something else.


Best,
Brad

Here it is slightly edited.

The Most Beautiful Eyes

As I walked a lonely path,
I ran into an eye catching
girl. Not just another girl.
This girl had the most
beautiful eyes a man
could see in his life.

The eyes were a dull
shade of blue giving the
illusion that they were
almost a gray hue.
They complimented
her skin rather beautifully.

However, like many things,
this was just an illusion
of beautiful colors that match.
Her personality was a fusion
of a slut and cheap whore.
She smoked marijuana
and cigarettes as she drank
alcohol and watched porn.
This like many other things
was only an illusion of beauty.

Well, you asked for it, so here it is.

Overall, this poem didnt really work for me. I'll tell you why:

1. Telling vs. Showing. Yes, this saying is getting seriously old and dog-eared but it still has some virtue. IMHO, this poem is too emotionally distant - that is, it tells me, the reader, what the poet thinks/sees/feels but it doesnt encourage or attempt to engage my own feelings. It also tells me that "this is an illusion" fairly bluntly. In some cases, this works, and there is a kind of simplicity here that is very appealing. Speaking for me personally, though, I like poems which illustrate rather than describe.

2. Rhyme and Rhythm. Just because you admit that you're not good at either of these doesnt let you off the hook, y'know. I'm not sure there should be any rhymes in here at all, to be honest - the offbeat, on-again-off-again style isnt subtle enough to work IMHO. As for rhythm, a little more flow might help - perhaps work on evening up your line breaks and syllable count.

3. Flow. This time, I'm talking about the story LOL. As Fabien pointed out, there really is a huge jump between "I saw this girl/this is what she looked like" and "this is all an illusion". I'd like to see some more background here - how does the poet know what this girl is like if he "runs into" her on a lonely street? What is it that labels her as a slut/whore (and arent those two terms a bit too similar to be meaningfully distinguished in this context)?

NITPICKS:

As I walked a lonely path,
I ran into an eye-catching [note the hyphen]
girl. Not just another girl.
This girl had the most
beautiful eyes a man
could see in his life.

OK, I reckon the first time you say "girl" it should be on the same line as "eye-catching". Also, you say "girl" WAY too much. "Could see in his life" is redundant. Change it to something more direct or specific - "could ever see", or "could see this side of heaven".

The eyes were a dull
shade of blue giving the
illusion that they were
almost a gray hue.
They complimented
her skin rather beautifully.

I like the addition of that last line there. It gives the poem a kind of...sing-song quality somehow. I dunno how to describe it, but it sounds good in my head LOL. Not sure "dull" is a good word? What are you trying to convey here?

However, like many things,
this was just an illusion
of beautiful colors that match.
Her personality was a fusion
of a slut and cheap whore.
She smoked marijuana
and cigarettes as she drank
alcohol and watched porn.
This like many other things
was only an illusion of beauty.

You are using "illusion" WAY too much also. Find a synonym, or drop it. It's unnecessary anyway - we already get the picture. Not sure this stanza really makes sense to me. The third line is superfluous and largely confusing. We already know what the "illusion" is - that her eyes compliment her skin. What I want to know is, in what way is this an illusion? Does it create the illusion of beauty and cohesion? Or does it make her appear more innocent than she is? How does this contrast with the "reality" of her personality?

Also, what kind of personality do you imagine a slut-come-whore has? I like the way you've used her smoking/drinking habits etc. to illustrate who she is, but at the same time, it's rather shallow. I am left wondering how this guy knows so much about a seemingly random stranger. And as for the last two lines, what are they referring to? What is only an illusion of beauty? Are you referring to her "matching" eyes and skin again? "Beauty" is repeated too often, and IMHO the poem would be more powerful (and more subtle) if you left that last line at "This like many other things/was only an illusion." Which leaves it open to interpretation as to whether the "illusion" is her beauty or her crudity, if you see what I mean.

All in all, it was interesting, but I dont quite see where you're trying to go with it. It could definitely use some polishing, but I like your style and you have some intriguing ideas. Will look forward to reading some more of your work

Cheers,
~bubbles

The rhythm is a bit better, it still needs some work. Also I've got to agree with bubblewrapped on the Show vs Tell. You need to do some work on that.

I think that you really have to put some work into the first two stanzas still, they aren't as strong as the last and it detracts from the poem on the whole.

I think that it is an improvement, but it's still a bit jumpy.

They complimented
Her skin rather nicely

Her personality was a fusion
of slut and cheap whore.

Take a look at these two parts from two seperate stanzas. The second part is so much more forceful and it seems a real jump from someone talking about her skin to calling her a slut and whore.

Hey Stup!

Your poem had a nice flow, but I didn't like all the clichés. 'A lonely path,' 'cheap whore', 'illusion of beauty'; none of those are anything I haven't heard before.

Also, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, or drinking and watching porn doesn't necessarily make someone evil. They're not exactly positive personality traits, but I think she should be mean, instead of just a junkie. Otherwise, it sounds like an anti drug commercial.

The first stanza is my favorite. Thanks for posting!

-Jenna

I like the poem. One part that... i guess i got stuck on was that you use the word illusion twice. I don't know, it could just be me but if you could think of a differen better word for one of them, that would be cool. "The eyes were a dull, shade of blue giving" an apperance" that they were, almost a gray hue."

I'm probably wrong or whatever, just thought I'd add two cents.






~SOAD will live in our hearts forever