Running from Yourself
Lying, unreliable attention hogs. Telling her there was something wrong with her. She was fine. Perfect. Nothing was wrong.
Helen was sitting on the uncomfortable leather of her therapists lounge chair. It was cliché, but she actually liked the whole lay back and talk to the ceiling aspect of therapy, it was one of the only things she liked about it. Unlike her friend Emily, who much preferred to pace as she talked to their shared therapist.
“Helen, I think we need to get you on some sort of medication to help us run some tests,” Dr. Creling said, her pen scraping against paper.
“Why? I'm fine, I promise,” Helen said, twisting one of the strings from her over-sized sweater around her pointer finger.
“Because, it's been almost three months and we still haven't seen any changes in you. Do you and Emily still talk?”
“Of course, were as close as always,” Helen answered.
“And what about Lily, do you still see her?” Helen could feel Dr. Creling staring intently at her, but she refrained from looking back, she
never did. She always watched the ceiling.
“Not as much, we got in a fight and I haven't seen her since last week, I don't think she'll forgive me.”
“She will, Helen. She just needs time, like you. Here, take these pills it will make everything better.” Dr. Creling held out a container of pills that clicked together. Helen didn't even bother to look at them.
“No, I'm fine,” she said.
“Helen, don't you want to go home?”
“They don't want me there, they want to get rid of me. Just like you and your pills. I like it here. I want to stay!” Helen was yelling now. She gripped her worn sweater tightly enough that she could feel her nails pinching flesh through the material.
A knock on the door calmed Helen's episode,a man in white scrubs walked in, a thin needle stuck out of his front pocket.
“Emily,” the man said.
“I'm not Emily!” Helen said.
“Sorry Helen, it's time to go, Emily's waiting for you in your room,” the man said.
“Hold on, were almost done here,” Dr. Creling said.
“I'm sorry Doctor, but I think Helen should get back to her room now, you have other patients to take care of.”
“That's right, I almost forgot,” Dr. Creling exclaimed, “what time is it?”
“It's almost four pm now,” the man said after checking his silver watch.
“That's right, I do have to go,” Helen didn't watch as Dr. Creling left, she just continued to study the ceiling.
“Helen, it's time to go,” the man's arm moved up slightly toward his front pocket, Helen jumped up with a start.
“I'm sorry Doctor, I'll come now.”
“That's good Helen,” The man took hold of her arm and gently escorted her out of the room and into a stark white hall. It was bare of any cheery painting, even patients were confined to their rooms, unable to brighten the white with a little bit of their color.
The man let go of Helen at her door. It was plain white like the rest of the hall, only it was metal, a small round window was placed high up on it. The window always reminded Helen of being on a boat. When they were younger she, Emily and Lily would pretend they were pirates, often saying that the white hallways were the suns reflections off of the water.
A small key opened the door and the man gently led Helen into her room, locking the door behind her. She watched through the porthole window as he walked away to a different patient.
“Helen, your back,” Emily's voice cut into the silence.
“Hi Emily,” Helen said distantly.
“Is something wrong?” Emily asked, Helen heard her stand up and start walking to her. She walked away, toward her bed on the other side of the small white room. Everything was white here it seemed.
“Maybe,” she said.
“Tell me,” Emily sat down next to Helen.
“They're saying things again,” she answered.
“Oh, don't listen to them Hel, There's nothing wrong with you, I
know it.”
“I'm scared, Em,” Helen admitted, hugging her knees close to her.
“Why? Don't be scared, it'll be okay as soon as they let us go home, I know it.”
“But what if they're right? What if something really is wrong, what if we're not going home?”
“We'll go home,” Emily said reassuringly.
“How can you be so sure, Em, they think we're crazy,” Helen flopped backward onto the bed, staring at the ceiling again.
“I just am,” Emily went back to her own bed, her bare feet made almost no noise as she padded across the cushioned floor.
***
Emily awoke to the sound of too many keys jammed onto one chain.
“Good morning,” the man in white scrubs said.
“Do I get to go home today?” Emily asked.
“Sorry Emily, I don't think so. I have good news though, your parents are coming to visit tonight,” The man pulled in a cart piled with trays of food, he placed one on the table next to Emily's bed.
“What about Helen, she needs one too,” Emily said.
“I was just about to give one to her,” The man said taking another tray. He placed it on the table next to the other bed.
“Where's Helen?” Emily asked frantically, taking in the sight of empty ruffled bedsheets.
“It's okay, she's out right now.”
“Out where, why didn't she wake me?” Emily began breathing harder, her words became clipped. The man in the scrubs slowly raised his arm toward his front pocket.
“Emily, calm down,” he said slowly.
“Em, I'm here,” Emily instantly calmed down at the sound of Helen's voice.
“Emily?” the man in the scrubs said, his arm paused.
“I'm not Emily,” Helen said.
“I know, I'm sorry I was just talking to Emily.”
“I told you Helen, he knows I'm here,” Emily said.
“Doctor...” Helen began.
“Yes?”
“Where's Emily?”
“She's out,” the man in scrubs said, finally lowering his arm.
“Why didn't she wake me?” Helen asked.
“She'll be back, don't worry.”
“Back, but I'm here,” Emily said.
“Emily?” The Doctor asked.
“Yeah,” Emily answered.
“Okay, it's time for you session with Dr. Creling.”
“Okay,” Emily stood up and walked to the man, he gently took hold of her arm, “Bye Helen,”
“Bye Emily.”
***
“They're going to take her away,” Emily said, she was pacing the room, Dr. Creling stood off to the side, out of Emily's line of sight.
“Emily,” Dr. Creling started.
“I know it, Helen told me, you want her to go home, and you're going to keep me here,” Emily threw her hands up in the air in frustration.
“I'm going to be honest with you Emily, you and Helen are sick, and we're doing everything in our power to make you better.”
“Like you made Lily better,” Emily said viciously, “turning her against us, she hasn't talked to us in weeks.”
“I think Lily went home,” Dr. Creling said.
“You think?”
“I only know as much as you do Emily.”
“You're supposed to know more!” Emily spun around and faced away from Dr. Creling.
“How can I trust a therapist who doesn't even know anything? How can I trust what you say?”
“Emily, be your own therapist,” Dr. Creling said.
“Why do you always talk like that? In riddles and phrases that mean nothing to anybody other than you?” Emily's voice climbed a few
octaves.
“You know what I mean, Emily, deep down inside. I can't tell you, you have to find out for yourself otherwise it will all be for none,” Dr. Creling matched Emily's pitch.
“What will be 'all for none'?”
“Everything, Emily. Everything.”
The two stood, Emily avoided looking at Dr. Creling and kept her eyes to the side of the room. Finally she faced the wall where Dr. Creling had been standing, but nobody was there.
“Doctor,” Emily said, there was no answer.
“Hello?” The voice of an eight year old boy cut into the air.
“Who are you?” Emily asked.
“I'm Derick, do you know where I am?”
“You're in Dr. Creling's office,” Emily answered, “I'm Emily.”
“Whose Dr. Creling?” Derick asked.
“She's my therapist,” Emily said.
“Why do you see a therapist?”
“Because,” Emily answered.
“Because why?” Derick pried.
“Just because!” Emily yelled.
“Are you crazy?” The boy asked.
“I'm not crazy! Go away, leave me alone!” Emily spun around but nobody was there. Derick was gone. She sunk to the ground, hugging her knees, tears fell from her eyes soaking her pants.
“Emily?” The door opened and a man poked his head in. It was the man who wore the white scrubs.
“Doctor,” Emily said.
“What's wrong Emily?” The man asked.
“Nothing, I'm fine,” Emily said, too tired to put up any more
fights.
“Your parents are here,Emily,” The doctor walked into the room slowly, and bent down to help Emily stand, he led her to the door, where she stopped.
“Doctor?”
“Yes?”
“Am I crazy?”
“No, you're not crazy,” The man said as he led her out of the
room and down the hall.
The swinging door to the visitors room was the only color in this section of the hospital, bright blue, a beacon to those going toward it. The color in an ever white world.
The man led Emily into the most colorful room, the visitors room. It was filled with brightly colored comfortable sofas and rugs, toys for younger children and books. Guardians sat with their friends and family, more doctors and nurses hovered around the room always ready for trouble.
Emily was seated across from a middle aged couple, they stared at her bedraggled appearance as if she were a disease.
“Here you go Emily,” the man put a slight emphasis on her name, “be good now.” He walked away, Emily's parents gave him a nod of thanks.
“How are you?” the woman asked slowly, Emily didn't answer.
“Emily,” the man said, his voice held authority. Emily studied his peppered gray hair and kind blue eyes, still she said nothing.
“Talk to them Emily,” Helen said from behind her.
“I can't,” Emily said.
“Why not?”
“I just...can't.”
The man was staring at Emily curiously, “Emily, who are you talking to?”
“This is Helen,” Emily motioned behind her, the man and
woman looked around the room.
“Honey,” The woman began, the doctor in white scrubs interfered before she could finish.
“Emily, this nurse is going to take you back to your room, I'll be there shortly,” he said.
“But,” Emily looked at her parents, the doctor nodded.
“I know,” he said, “but they can only stay for so long.”
“It's okay Emily, I'll go with you,” Helen said. Emily's mom gasped.
The doctor in white scrubs called a nurse over and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and took Emily's arm loosely.
“Let's go honey,” Emily nodded and followed.
“Emily, it'll be okay,” Helen said from beside her. Emily nodded and tried to blink away the tears.
The nurse dropped them off in their room, the click of the door locking echoed. Emily sat on her bed with her head buried in the pillow.
“Helen,” she began, turning her head toward the wall.
“Yeah,” Helen asked.
“Am I crazy?”
“No, Em. Your not crazy,” Helen said.
“Then why am I here, why did my parents look so scared?”
“I don't know.”
“Girls,” Dr. Creling's voice came into the conversation.
“Hello Doctor,” they said at the same time.
“Lily,” Dr. Creling said.
“Yes,” Lily's voice joined.
“Lily?” Helen asked with astonishment.
“I'm sorry Helen, I got scared, they said I was crazy,” Lily said.
“They're saying that to us too,” Emily said.
“I told you,” the eight year old boy Derick joined.
“Who's that?” Helen asked, jumping back.
“Derick,” Emily answered, “He says we're crazy.”
“Why?” Helen asked.
“Just hear each other out,” Dr. Creling said.
“You know, tell us what's going on,” Emily said.
“I can't Emily, I told you, you can only find out what's going by yourself.”
“I'm not crazy,” Helen said.
“They told me I was crazy, and I believed them,” Lily said.
“What happened?” Emily asked.
“I don't remember, one minute I was talking to Dr. Red and
then I was here,” she said.
“Who's Dr. Red?” Helen asked.
“He's your Doctor,” Dr. Creling answered.
“You're our doctor,” Emily said.
“Dr. Creling can't possibly be your Doctor,” Derick said.
“Why not?” Emily asked.
“Just look around you,” the boy said.
“No, don't!” Dr. Creling said.
“They won't listen any other way,” Derick said.
“Then they wont know,” Dr. Creling said.
“They have to want to know the truth to believe it,” Lily said.
“How did you come back Lily?” Derick asked.
“I was never gone,” Lily said.
Emily buried her head in the pillows, trying to dampen the
voices of those around her, but they didn't go away, they were everywhere.
“You were gone, for a few weeks,” Helen butted in.
“No I wasn't,” Lily said.
“What were you and Dr. Red talking about before you came
here?” Dr. Creling asked.
“We were talking about...I don't remember...”
“I need you to think Lily,” Dr. Creling said.
“We were talking about...pills, I think.”
“Good,keep that thought.”
“And Emily and Helen. And you. They wanted to take me home, they said if I took the pills I could go home,” Lily's voice sped up as her memory returned.
“I wanted to go home, but they said I couldn't unless I realized what was wrong,” Lily's voice trailed off.
“Keep going Lily,” Dr. Creling encouraged.
“Me and Helen were fighting, something about you. Helen was angry because I wanted to stop talking to you, and then...and then...”
“And then what?”
“Stop!” Emily yelled, “I don't want to know what happened, I don't care!”
“Keep going Lily,” Dr. Creling said.
“No, don't,” Derick said.
“Lily,” Dr. Creling said.
“Dr. Creling, they don't want to know, it only works if they want
to know,” Derick said.
“I want to know, help me,” Helen cried.
“Lily,” Dr. Creling said, more calmly now.
“And then...”
“Stop!” Emily screamed at the top of her lungs. She pulled her
face from the pillow and faced the center of the room, her eyes were held tightly closed as she tried not to cry.
“Lily, tell me,” Helen pleaded.
Emily opened her eyes, and looked around the room.
It was empty.
“And then I opened my eyes.”
