Solstice Insolence

Alrighty, first off, I would like to say that poetry is really not my thing, but I wrote this for a contest my creative writing class is entering work in. So, if you are going to critique this, go ahead and be brutal.
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-Solstice Insolence-


I can’t stand her anymore;
She keeps on knocking on my door.
I can’t possibly let her in.
I can’t bear to see her heartless grin.

Her cold eyes gaze into mine;
She whispers and wails so many lies.
Her skin is such a pale shade of white,
She shuns every ray of precious light.

She strips all that she touches of its life.
Coldness and destruction are on what she thrives.
She’ll bring you down, so close to death.
I must avoid her icy breath.

Her cold wheeze blows across my neck,
As her nails send shivers down my back.
Her frigid frame pours out anger like hail.
Then, she suddenly makes everything blank and still.

I don’t want her anymore…
Winter’s knocking on my door.

COaIF- First, of all, this is a great start for someone who claims poetry is not their thing. Secondly, it needs some work. The first thing I noticed is that your riming scheme kind of goes in and out. I NEVER advocate sacrificing the message of the poem to make lines rime, but it is a bit disarming. Does your poem need to rime? Or can you take a shot at free verse?

Her cold eyes gaze into mine;
She whispers and whales so many lies.
Her skin is such a pale shade of white,
She shuns every ray of precious light.

1.) It's "wails" - you're referring to a large seagoing mammal at this point.
2.) Rime scheme issues in the first two lines.

Her cold wheeze blows across my neck,
As her nails send shivers down my back.
Her frigid frame pours out anger like hale.
Then, at the drop of a hat, she makes everything blank and still.

Rime scheme issues again. What about this: "Her frigid frame pours out anger like hale/At the end of the tantrum, the world covered by a silent veil."

The last two lines are nice. This is a great personification poem, and I like how you don't mention that she is Winter until the end of the poem. Might I ask why you made Winter a woman?
Happy revising!

Cicero-

Thanks for the critique.

And I can't believe I missed that wails/whales thing. I feel pretty dumb right about now.

And no, I don't need to rhyme, and even though it tends to make my poems sound a bit childish, or like I'm trying to hard to rhyme I'm a bit afraid to try free verse. Free verse intimidates me a bit, and though I thought rhyming might not be right for this poem, I went against my thoughts and made it rhyme anyway.

Well, I personally wouldn't read a poem if I knew it was about winter from the beginning. I get enough winter where I live. So, I decided to make Winter a woman, since I've known plenty in my day that are much like winter. Life draining and cold. Most guys I've known would be better described by Summer. Hah, I suppose I'm weird, comparing people/genders to seasons. Hah, maybe I'll start a series of four poems like that.

Also, I am a person that needs well developed characters in my stories, so I guess I need them in my poetry, as well, thus resulting in making Winter a character.

Anyways, I'll try to revise it, maybe try it with free verse.

Thanks again!

The critique is much appreciated!

You're welcome. Free verse isn't something to be afraid of. It's liberating. Hence, FREE verse. I suggest, before you launch yourself headlong into a new form of poetry, reading some poetry by some wonderful free verse poets: "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Elliot, "Sunday Morning" by Wallace Stevens, and "Why I Am Not A Painter" by Frank O'Hara.

I am by no means a free verse master, nor a poet of particular skill, however, I will plug my own poetry here and say you should read mine because my favorite form is free verse!

P.S. I like your set of poems about seasons idea. You could do a reading and have Vivaldi playing in the background...

Hehehe... since someone already commented on the substance, let's get nitty-gritty, shall we?

I can’t stand her anymore;
She keeps on knocking on my door.
I can’t possibly let her in.
I can’t bear to see her heartless grin.

Stanza one just has too many harsh "eye" sounds. So you have "I" and "I" and "my" and "I." So yeah. Too much of that. And I don't know... the rhyming seems so forced. The other rhyming isn't as bad, but you want to have a strong hook. To have a weakly rhymed beginning is not what you want to have.

Moving on...

Her cold eyes gaze into mine;
She whispers and wails so many lies.
Her skin is such a pale shade of white,
She shuns every ray of precious light.

I've read this time once before... what do you mean by "lies"? When I think of winter, it is at least more honest than autumn, who leads into ice too quickly. So maybe you should pick another word? Also, you break up your rhyming scheme here.

She strips all that she touches of it's life.
Coldness and destruction are on what she thrives.
She’ll bring you down, so close to death.
I must avoid her icy breath.

It should be "its."

But I think you can be a little more dramatic here. Right now, you're telling us what she does. Why not show us? The first line is okay, except it needs to be better. You need to use stronger words than this to show us what's happening. So make a list of words that you think are strong that remind you of winter and then see how many ways you can describe it.

Her cold wheeze blows across my neck,
As her nails send shivers down my back.
Her frigid frame pours out anger like hale.
Then, she suddenly makes everything blank and still.

Not hale... hail. Hale means free from disease.

And this is closer to what you should aim for, but once again, I think you have too many strong words with strong vowel sounds, so you're going to want to trade them off with some softer words with swishy consonant sounds.

I don’t want her anymore…
Winter’s knocking on my door.

Hahah... but when Winter comes, it doesn't come all at once, does it? That's what this is implying, anyway.

Good luck on the contest!

this si good for someone who dosent really do poetry, much better than my attempts!

all the crit work has been done for you, I just wanted to say how much i liked this, well done, you should write some more poetry!

meevs
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