Blood On The Stage

I've been really deppressed latel, and all I can write is deppressing things..
but anyways, please crit!

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A child’s so innocent until it’s a witness to death
And their eyes will grow until they can’t breathe a breath
Their lungs will collapse right from beneath their skin
From the pressure of the truth that all they see is sin

All eyes on the stage for the curtains retract
To find pleasure in a war’s bloody act
Let’s look up to the sky and find peace in the stars
Away from the death which is rightfully ours

Don’t take this away we need it to live
The concept of blood is all that exists

Aw... being depressed sucks. But! I shall critique nonetheless. I'm glad you're putting your depression to a good use like this.

First of all, I like the theme. It's really cool, dealing with the transition of childhood to adulthood, and I think you pulled it off pretty well. I like these words of the first line: child, innocent, witness, death. The last word "death" is my favorite because it just smacks you in the face, which is really cool. Then you go on from childhood to sin to war and the transition is pretty nifty, all in all. You seem to have a very good word choice, which I commend you for and I'm hoping that perhaps you've written stories where your word choice comes through...

Hehehe, but I digress.

I suppose the main reason why I like this poem is because it seems to have a logical sequence. It goes from innocence to death to war to blood, and it just does it in such a good way that it's pretty. The main thing I would recommend is to make it grammatically sounder. This might be because I'm a nasty grammarian, but when I see this, I get a little twitchy:

A child’s so innocent until it’s a witness to death
And their eyes will grow until they can’t breathe a breath
Their lungs will collapse right from beneath their skin
From the pressure of the truth that all they see is sin

It goes from child, which is singular, to it, which is singular, and then to their, which is plural. So I would probably edit it so that it stays consistent. I'm not quite sure how to do this... but play with it and maybe you'll find something else.

Anyway, nice poem!