Flash Fic- Hollyhock

Lucy entered her room to discover a squirrel sitting on her bed. And a teeny, tiny little girl was sitting next to it, a look of serene assuredness on her face, as far as Lucy could see. Lucy, in her surprise, accidentally slammed the door and the little creatures jumped, almost guiltily, and looked round. Lucy proceeded across the room, spellbound, and knelt before her bed, eyes level with the two little beings. The squirrel was snow-white and the little girl was dressed in a hollyhock white dress, a coronet of moonstones in her black hair. She looked at Lucy, quite unafraid.
“Hi,” said Lucy, softly.
“Hi.” said the little girl frankly. “This is the strangest dream I’ve ever had.”
“A dream? This is real life.” said Lucy, just as frankly. “At least, I think it is…”
“It must be. Because the last thing I remember was falling asleep in bed.” said the little girl. “Usually when I dream I’m in a forest filled with tall blades of green plants.”
“It’s not a dream,” repeated Lucy. “And what is your name, please?”
“Princess Corrine, and this is my ride, Rufio. And yours, Giant?”
“Lucy.”
“And this must be a dream, because I’m asleep.”
“Where are you, in-in…when you’re awake?” asked Lucy.
“There are mountains of spices and bushes of candles that are ignited by fireflies,” said Corrine, gracefully smiling. Something clicked in Lucy’s mind.
“I had a dream about that,” she remarked.
“You don’t think,” said the squirrel suddenly, “that you dream each other’s worlds?”
________
255 words to be precise xD might turn it into this year's NaNoWriMo story, so please don't take the idea. Arigato!
Comments, reviews, stuff, welcomed.
~Sumi

Was...cute I suppose, though somewhat odd!

And a teeny, tiny little girl

From reading it, I don't think "Teeny, tiny" should be how you describe her. She calls Lucy a giant. You would be much better off comparing her size to something else (like, say she was just as small as the squirrel) other wise I thought she was just petite, like a child. That way, you give the reader a better idea of exactly how teeny, tiny she is.

Also: You could turn this into your '07 NaNo, if you don't use this text. I'm too lazy to run to the site right now, but you can use nothing that was typed/written the before 1 November 2007 at 12.00AM. You can use outlines and ideas, but no actually writings that will be counted in your word count. Against the rules, it's considered starting early and so cheating. But anyway, you could use this as an idea. I can't wait for November to roll around

Back in teh other forums, i meant i would have to... copy off the plot slightly. Permission?

Ah, Sumi-san, jyoozu!

I've got to say right away- your style is absolutely beautiful. The 'coronet of moonstones' line was my most favorite.

One quick thing:

DIALOGUE: is nice, but don't abuse us with it. Have a line or two, and then put some sort of description in- perhaps a sigh, or a head scratch, or a leap- to balance it out. Otherwise, we lose track of the setting and the background goes to the green screen, the characters sitting there all alone like a bunch of loons.

It's hard when to tell when to put description in, so my only advice to you on this is thus (try saying that ten times fast )- pick up a book off your bookshelf that you remember liking, and study the dialogue. Chances are, you liked the characters because they sounded real, and if the dialogue was choppy and unrealistic, you would have put it down somewhere between pages one and two. You don't have to re-read the whole thing, just a few random samplings of dialogue- and take some notes! Where does the speaker pause? Twiddle his thumbs? Pace? ...that sort of thing.

See you, Sumi-san! Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions- and advance luck on NaNo this year. Eight months away and we're already excited.

Claudette wrote:Was...cute I suppose, though somewhat odd!

And a teeny, tiny little girl

From reading it, I don't think "Teeny, tiny" should be how you describe her. She calls Lucy a giant. You would be much better off comparing her size to something else (like, say she was just as small as the squirrel) other wise I thought she was just petite, like a child. That way, you give the reader a better idea of exactly how teeny, tiny she is.

Also: You could turn this into your '07 NaNo, if you don't use this text. I'm too lazy to run to the site right now, but you can use nothing that was typed/written the before 1 November 2007 at 12.00AM. You can use outlines and ideas, but no actually writings that will be counted in your word count. Against the rules, it's considered starting early and so cheating. But anyway, you could use this as an idea. I can't wait for November to roll around

:rather shocked: Gracious, no! I won't use this flash fic to start off my NaNo! I have to wildly exaggerate Princess Corrine's looks and the squirrel first! xD (NaNo humor)

AetLindling wrote:Back in teh other forums, i meant i would have to... copy off the plot slightly. Permission?

Maybe....

Sam wrote:Ah, Sumi-san, jyoozu!

I've got to say right away- your style is absolutely beautiful. The 'coronet of moonstones' line was my most favorite.

One quick thing:

DIALOGUE: is nice, but don't abuse us with it. Have a line or two, and then put some sort of description in- perhaps a sigh, or a head scratch, or a leap- to balance it out. Otherwise, we lose track of the setting and the background goes to the green screen, the characters sitting there all alone like a bunch of loons.

It's hard when to tell when to put description in, so my only advice to you on this is thus (try saying that ten times fast )- pick up a book off your bookshelf that you remember liking, and study the dialogue. Chances are, you liked the characters because they sounded real, and if the dialogue was choppy and unrealistic, you would have put it down somewhere between pages one and two. You don't have to re-read the whole thing, just a few random samplings of dialogue- and take some notes! Where does the speaker pause? Twiddle his thumbs? Pace? ...that sort of thing.

See you, Sumi-san! Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions- and advance luck on NaNo this year. Eight months away and we're already excited.

Right! I'm really a good writer, but good dialogue is my one freaking problem >_>U
:pulls out a Orson Scott Card book and Pride and Prejudice: I'll study these...wow....from Poetologist to Sentanceologist, eh, CCM-chan?

Thanks very much for all the reviews! I appreciate them!
~Sumi

Interesting little scene. I would have liked to see a little more description—not too much, mind—otherwise it makes you think about dreams and faeries. Well - it does that to me.

-- Myth

I was on a "word budget". Usually I can't write short stories because I love giving descriptions. (Hence me NaNo-ing. Lol)
Arigato, Myth!
~Sumi

ooooo!!! i want to read the rest! what a grand idea!