attempt at universality (you may now laugh)

This might be my new favorite of all your poems. Can I print this one off and put it on my locker too?

some crit:

here is where
the words get heavy and
the meanings complex
because all the little boys
and their casanova smiles stand
fortified beneath dark windowsills
prepared to throw kisses and knives
to a maiden
above.

Lol. That's a really sweet and sort of twisted picture. I like it a lot. each line seems to flow perfectly into the next line. But why would the boys throw knives? I like how you describe words as heavy, I liked the line "fortified beneath dark windowsills"

here is where
the world gets light and
the air intoxicating
because all the little girls
and their cinderella fairytales wait
impatiently to slink down a stone corridor
to a knight
below.

omg! you paint such a beautiful, hopeless picture. And you captured it perfectly. this sounds beautiful.

here is where
the pacifists get guns and
the perverts get whores
because all the people in the world
repeat their fantasies over and over and wait
on dark tablatures to be written that wait
for a person to dream.

this left me confused. If a "pacifist" gets a gun, you're turning a person into the opposite of him/herself. But if a pervert gets a whore, it's exactly the same as the personality you made for him/her. Maybe the preacher gets a whore...or something along those lines...and then I don't see how those two sentences flow into the next part of your stanza. They get guns and whores because the people in the world have fantasies? I like the word tablatures. Besides that it doesn't quite flow, it's beautifully written.

and because i am different
i will not notice the small stars twinkling
and their little feet pounding
and the earth a'crumbling--
instead, i will be distracted
chasing butterflies.

Omg....this is so perfect I could scream! but I'm in my school library so I won't, because I have a couple more of your poems to crit. It's gorgeous...just like...perfect. The earth is crumbling and you're chasing butterflies! I love that! It sounds so much like me....

thanks for the awesome experience reading your poem. It took me on a roller coaster of emotions that were thrilling, hopeless, and stunned. I could totally immerse myself in your poetry and forget the outside world.

The words "here is where" at the beginning of your stanzas were awesome, too.

And you said you couldn't do universality?

This was just, well, great.

Yeah, I have to agree this was really good. For weeks I have been waiting for a piece for my revenge...*hehe*

'here is where
the world gets light and
the air intoxicating
because all the little girls
and their cinderella fairytales wait
impatiently to slink down a stone corridor
to a knight
below.'- This was perhaps the best stanza. I mean, they were all good, just this one stuck out to me. I like the way you took such a stereotypical thing-the whole sleeping beauty/cinderella story- and made it into something beautiful and unique. Well done.

The last two stanzas were just...wow. I didn't really get the true magnificence of them until I read the poem over again. Then i found the relation between them...

This poem was just pretty much great overall. You made me smile, you made me cry...yeah, I think you did your job as a poet on this one.

see what happens when you stop writing abstract pieces about all the hot boys in the universe? you actually write good poetry.

wow - yet another amazing poem, your last few have bored me slighlty - not to be mean but this is totally different, the flowing words, different images I can picture it so well I really do love it!!!!!!

Wu x

It also reflects how much better I write when I'm sober or not high.

thanks for sharing that...

Much much better. And yes, sober, un-high writing is usually better than whhen one is drunk and rocketing to the moon in their underpants. I'm a little lost in the third stanze, not quite sure where the dark tableus writing thing is going, but the ending is fantabuloso. The incandesence is back.

Have to say I agree, Incandescence. Another impressive poem. Kudos

here is where
the words get heavy and
the meanings complex
because all the little boys
and their casanova smiles stand
fortified beneath dark windowsills
prepared to throw kisses and knives
to a maiden
above.

Love it, love it, love it. Deliciously twisted imagery in here. "here is where" is neatly evocative of fairytales while still giving one a feeling of foreboding. Nicely done. Last three lines need some work though - the flow is a little awkward IMHO. Maybe you could do something about that, although I still think its a great stanza.

here is where
the world gets light and
the air intoxicating
because all the little girls
and their cinderella fairytales wait
impatiently to slink down a stone corridor
to a knight
below.

Well, its good - I like the imagery. Something is off with the rhythm in the last lines still, though. Or maybe its just me.

here is where
the pacifists get guns and
the perverts get whores
because all the people in the world
repeat their fantasies over and over and wait
on dark tablatures to be written that wait
for a person to dream.

Not sure about the "pacifists get guns/perverts get whores" thing. Are you trying to say that pacifists secretly long to indulge in violence? Anyways, I like the consistency of your tone & mood in this piece.

and because i am different
i will not notice the small stars twinkling
and their little feet pounding
and the earth a'crumbling--
instead, i will be distracted
chasing butterflies.

This has got to be the best verse of any of your poems, at least that I've read. I love it. Its absolutely perfect.

Cheers on a great poem. See? Sobriety has its uses!

The main reason I love this poem is because of all the reversals. Example:

"prepared to throw kisses and knives
to a maiden
above. "

It's something unexpected; my mind glossed right over the word "knives" the first time I read this line, then at the end of the stanza, I thought, 'wait a second, something about that isn't right [normal]'. The first part of this verse was my favorite, by the way.

Then in the next stanza, you set up "little girls and their cinderella fairytales" and describe them as slinking, which was great because again, it shocked me into realizing something is off.

I liked the part about chasing butterflies because again, it was something unexpected, as if you intend to ignore the world the way it is.

The only part I was confused on was the part about the perverts/pacifists. Was that another way to show that things are a bit off within this poem? It was unclear as I was reading it.

Overall, I really like this poem. I think it's wonderfully shocking.

-Amelia

p.s.: yes, soberness is good!

The first stanza was great, the second stanza even better. Not a huge fan of the third, but the fourth brought it all full surface. Like Jack said, you definitely pulled off the universality affect.

Well, I have to say Brad...I feel as though your writing has really improved over time. Too bad I missed that cycle, heh.