Chionophobia #47 /P

Removed.

"Then explain it to me," pressed Kyle, his anger rising to the surface. "Or am I just a substitute for those cold and lonely nights on the road? Those things you can never have?"

"You know that's not how it is between us," snapped Jon.

You seem to finally be growing into dialog tags, and I don't like it. It sounds nasty, cut it out! We should know these kinds of things through what they are saying. (I can't believe I'm saying this to you. lol.)

Can't believe I'm pointing this out either, but it bothers me:

"What you describe as guidelines laid down by society, dude, has no room for us to be together," said Kyle, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.

I do this now and then, sometimes you can get away with it. But here, you didn't get away with putting dialog tag and action together. Fix it?

as an image of Kyle in a dress with a kid on his hip flashed across his mind.

What a cute transvestite!

said Jon, silencing Kyle’s protest by abruptly standing up before it could even form.

OMG dialog tag + action again...

he stuttered, looking away.

now here, it works. Everywhere above, no



I think the only thing I actually liked in this whole chapter was the last line, and Jon's aside about kyle in a dress. Sorry Brad, but this was boring... They were arguing over something I only had vague knowledge of, and so it made me not care about the fight. All I know is they were apart, otherwise... It's like watching two people fight in a restaurant that you don't know. You watch because the fight is good, and what they have to say is good, but you don't get it. Here, not only do I not get it now and then, but it wasn't all too interesting... I mean... it was sort of but... I think it could be better?

I was excited it was a flash back—but for a while I wasn't 100% sure if it was or not. Considering: in the present they're together, and Ariel's around. It took me a while to place this on the time line, but once I did I was fine. I'm just thinking perhaps you should fix that? ((Although this could completely be just me.))

Hope this didn't disappoint you. (I feel a little disappointed.) I still love Ch though. Just not this chapter....or Sarah. 46 and 47 need some work.

Awwww a baby? That's so cute, and starts a lot of conflict. I never knew that Ariel had become pregnant, but then again that was probably your intention. lol

The tension between Jon and Kyle scares me. They used to be so lovey lovey and now that they're older I can only hope that they can really love each other like they did in the first flashbacks.

I hate Ariel. More than I hated Sarah...for obvious reasons. She's a brilliant character but she's such a bitch. Even when you don't write about her ,other facts in the writing make you want to slap her. For instance, I'll read something about how sad Jon was for a while, and I hate Ariel. I'll read how badly Jon and Kyle are doing relationship wise in a flashback, and I blame Ariel. I could almost blame her for everything, it's actually kind of comforting. lol

This was great! And of course the ending was perfect!

Keep it up Bradness!
~Rieda