Gypsy Stone

NOTE: I have finally figured out the title of "NO TITLE"!
This is chapter 3 cont. HOPE YOU LIKE IT!

Walking in the Gypsy Woods was just like walking in the late night sky in which no stars were shining. That's how she felt, confused, walking in the sky, head in the thick factory smog that was like a thick wisp drifting in the sky. Thick swirling, pitch-black darkness.
No birds chirped. The queer silence filled the forest and filled Dawn's veins. It was the most painful moment of her life, and it was so odd, as if someone was lurking in the shadows watching every move of hers. Then maybe the masked man would jump out of behind something to grab her with death-cold fingers that bit to the bone. Dawn became tense. Negativity will slow you down, there is no one in the forest but me, she thought to herself.
In shorts, thick vines licked her bare legs and old twigs snapped in her hair. One tiny bird stood on a wet, rotting, fowl-smelling log, eyes full of wisdom that was trying to tell Dawn a message. But she couldn't get what the bird wanted her to do. Maybe, it was a spy. Sent from the gypsies who's territory lay in the darkest, coldest, part of the woods where it was impossible to find. "No one believes the tale though, it was just a story that was told to keep kids up at night, and I'm not a young kid," Dawn said, though with part of her heart, she felt as though she had to believe it.

The winds seemed to answer back in it's thin, shrilly voice. Whipping the dew covered leaves, making the branches blow around wildly. Cramps and chill socked her all over her body again, like sharp daggers blowing her body viciously, razor sharp. Finally she doubled over and lay on the leaf-padded forest floor, resting her head on a cushion of moss. Though she knew that her new bed was revolting and covered with the sloshy mud, it felt like heaven to her aching body despite all the dirt all over her.

When the pain subsided gradually, Dawn got up slowly, careful not to disturb her aches. She did not want to stop again, her adventure was just getting started and this time, she felt the suspense fill the atmosphere and fill her blood.

With her hair a mess and clothes like those of rag dolls, Dawn felt a fiesty spirit within her. It was still blooming in her but it surely was going to open up as a blossom of wild dreams.

And that's when she came upon the gypsy site. Fires crackled, casting an eerie glow that cast upon the young children's faces, first of stillness and now, wild, scared, and flushed crimson. Their eyes, dark black, of fear and maybe even hatred, stared straight onto Dawn's face, and she felt as if they were drilling through her mind with their cold stare of death. But she couldn't run. She couldn't leave without settling down the situation she had started. She couldn't leave them, startled and confused, knowing their secret campsite could possibly be revealed by the pretty-haired, frightened girl that stood in front of them. ..

Please double space your paragraphs! It'll make it six zillion times easier to read.

That's how she felt, confused, walking in the sky, head in the thick factory smog that was like a thick wisp drifting in the sky.

I think a semicolon would work better than a comma after felt.

The queery silence filled the forest and filled Dawn's veins.

I like the idea of silence filling up her veins. That's original, and gives a really strong image. I think it's lessened by the way you present it, though. I'd rewrite it, maybe something like, "The queer silence in the forest seemed to fill Dawn's veins." Kind of like that. You can do better than I did. If you decide to keep it as it is, know that queery isn't a word.

It was the most painful quiet moment of her life, and it was so odd, as if someone was lurking in the shadows, watching every move of hers and then would jump out of behind something to grab her with death-cold fingers that bit to the bone.

Maybe you could make this into two, maybe three shorter sentences?

Negativity will slow you down, there is no one in the forest but me, the silent girl thought to herself.

You're repeating the silent thing a lot. There are other ways to show that it's quiet than the words silence, quiet, hush, etc. For example, you could describe every tiny noise she makes. If a twig she steps on makes a sound, you could talk about it. In a noisy forest, she wouldn't notice a twig breaking, so that would emphasize the silence.

"No one believes the tale though, it was just a story that was told to keep kids up at night, and I'm not a young kid," Dawn said silently to herself.

Again with the quiet thing. Also, please double space your dialogue too!

The winds seemed to answer back in it's thin, shrilly voice.

No apostrophe here in 'its'. The rule for this is: if it's a creature or being, (anything alive/undead/a character, lol) you don't know the gender of, use it's. If it's a thing, use its.

Finally she doubled over and lay on the leaf-padded forest floor, laying her head on a cushion of moss.

Lay and laying in the same sentence... Maybe you could use resting instead of laying?

Though she knew that her new bed was revolting and icovered with the sloshy mud,

Typo, I think. Icovered isn't a word.

Okay, enough line by line! ^_^

Poor Dawn! She really is having a rough time. I like the way she sticks with it instead of becoming really depressed. It's nice to have a heroine who isn't all angsty, lol. Maybe you could emphasize the optimism? It would give her some more personality.

It would be nice to hear more of Dawn's thoughts, too.

You might want to consider stylizing some of your sentences. In scary moments, short, choppy sentences or fragments add to the frightening mood. In romantic parts flowy sentences make it beautiful. Right now your sentences are fine, but the style is something I think you might be really good at if you tried. From the veins thing.

You don't need quite as much description to paint a picture. I'd go with a few less adjectives and more specific verbs, (e.g. 'darted' or 'scampered' or 'rushed' instead of ran quickly.)

Thanks for posting this, congrats on finding a title. I'll look for the rest. If anything I've said in my critique doesn't make sense send me a PM and I'll try to clarify.