The Postman Comes Looking For Us

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(A quick note: the grammar and syntax is how I meant it to be, to capture the specific character voice. Comments here should be about the story or the reading). I posted a little less than a page and a half of the story.

JimmySamantha

Our lives are quite hectic, chaotic, bizarre. Sometimes we do nothing, sometimes we do strange things, sometimes we wash our hair in the toilet, sometimes we busy ourselves swinging. And the postman comes looking for us.

We get our rush hiding out in the church sanctuary's cry room during nutrition break, locking the door and hoping the teachers don't see us. We spray too much perfume to cover up caustic scents and slam back and forth against the walls in the dark.

We are hybrid. We go faster, stronger, better, brighter. Our hands taste of sweat and sulfur, our fingernails are caked with mud from explorations in the back yard, lying on the wet grass, dogs growling inches away on their chains, flowers growing fast beneath us.

We're a freight train, carrying loads of baggage and managing to lift it like it's nothing. We are strong. We have done this all of our lives.

We climbed an oak tree and sat on its topmost branches, examining the sky like we owned it. (We own it.) It was blue and pure, and I caught hold of a cloud and felt it drop me in one fell swoop.

You climbed down on top of me and shook my shoulders. I felt my brain knock about in my skull.

Sometimes we do something, sometimes we do strange things, sometimes we do nothing at all. And the postman comes looking for us.



LittleBoyBlue

Jimmy Daughtry used to live on the street down the road, but you won't find him there no more. Folks reckon he's right out of his mind, but I seen him, all tailcoats a flyin', hopping outta his winder couple Saturday nights ago. Plopped straight down onto that cement, and pullin' his backpack straight after him.

Reckon he fell down right across the street, between the alleyway where the Jones' and the Smith's keep house. Scraped the skin clean to his kneebones and kept on a runnin' like he had a monster on his heels. What monster, I dunno, but I'da shore liketa. Wouldn' wanna monster like that after me, no Sir.

Little house there, the one with the blue an' yeller windershutters? And the red roofin'? That was Jimmy Daughtry's house. Reckon he clean run off though, you won't find him here, Mr. Postman, sir. I'll take his letter for ya, iffin you want it took offa yer hands. So's ya don't have to worry 'bout it no more.

I wouldn' wanna halfta worry 'bout something like that, something real important. Jimmy'd like it better iffen I took that offa yer hands. No use stressin' 'bout it now, if he ever comes back (he won't though, Sir, not with that monster on his heels), I'll give it to him.



The House


I was built on top of a hill in the grasslands. Unsteady hands pushed my planks together, nailed me with wooden nails, gave me wooden shingles, and a wooden floor. Later somebody came in and nailed the plushy carpet to my sides and put in a new roof.

I still wet myself occasionally.

And the Master doesn't live here anymore.

The intruders came at 9:52, according to the clock on the wall, which stopped before the decay of my walls. I am now dry rot, and the Master rots within me.

I felt their rubber-soled shoes scrape against my well-worn carpet as they closed the door with a squeak. They shivered and clung to each other like tired vessels, too worn to make another move.

"H-hello?" the wet one said.

"Is any-any-anybody h-home?" Its counterpart squealed next to it.

I do not know for whom they called; did they expect an answer from me? Or was it the Master whom they sought?

The first one who'd spoken moved its hand to the other one's hair and ran its fingers through the tangles.

The yellow, long haired one-the young one who slurred its words, began to rain all over itself, the tiny being.

The red haired one took an unsteady step into the kitchen. I hadn't been stepped on there in so many years, I immediately moaned loudly in protest. It stepped back, and I groaned in relief.

The two tiny beings wandered through the banks of my encampment for some time, and I swallowed them whole, creaking and crying out, and doing my best to deter them from the basement.

The Master would not want them here.

The yellow haired one continued to rain herself, while clutching her fingers to her little belly. When it realized there was no food and no real shelter, it begged its counterpart to find another place to spend the night.

"This house is haunted!" sobbed the little one.

They are not so far from wrong.

In the end the red haired youth took the other by the arm, and they went back out into the rain.

I stayed empty for another fifteen years, and oft wondered to myself, what became of them?


The Sparrow


The swarthy little girl left two years ago, but I used to chip and flit-flit outside her window and she fed me little crumbs of white and brown. She used to laugh and wear purple bracelets on her wrists, and sometimes purple splotches on her face and mouth. She danced a mad dance on her bed with her father as I watched from the open window. He made the louder noises and had his hand over her mouth. They played the music loudly. I chirped along.

It was a very jovial family. They dressed the girl in bright colored dresses but she seemed to tire of them too easily, coming home with blue legs, hair loosed, feet click-clicking. I twittered.

Then she started to rouse me in the night, climb-climbing down my tree and running down the block, smoothing black skirt, tweeting loudly at Him.

Him was underneath my tree and she tossed her bag down at Him, and climbed down my tree, and I saw her no more. But the two beings in their nest went on and on about Him, and I twittered softly but no one fed me bread crumbs anymore.

I lay down in my nest and I died as the second winter set, but still the purple-bracelet girl did not come back.
Last edited by Misty on Sun Feb 25, 2007 2:10 am, edited 1 time in total.




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OMG!
well, i only read a part.

This was pretty good. Washing your hair in the toilet shows humor but seriously, that it kinda gross. it's not necessary to take that part out but it can really draw the attention of readers in a very awkward way! very very interesting indeed.I enjoyed this! it was strangely fascinating. it's very hard to put it, eh? LOL
PS I really like the words and language you added in. It makes it sound.. well, um.... very... I can't explain it but it's a very good thing!




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A change from heroine addiction and little green girls?

Uhm...yeah. :wink:

You were worried about publishing awhile ago- Mack, Graham, All-American Kid. Quite honestly, it was all worthy, but you were going to have some problems as far as subject matter (however we may luuuuurve your poeticness, sex addiction doesn't exactly fill the shelves at B&N :wink:).

However his was...how shall I say...avant garde. It's got all those nice little layers, and the different voices, and it's so terribly, terribly sad.

It could be one of those books that make you sob, the little one-page vignettes backed with plain ink drawings that mask the writings beauty and make it haunting.

(I'll get Dorothy to illustrate.)

One of those books that gets passed around under lunch tables at school; the one that everyone reads because it's so different, and so good.

However, I just wouldn't be myself without a proper critique, right?

TRYING TOO HARD: I read a story awhile ago, that was written from the perspective of a 'you' and a 'we' (second person, right?) and well...it was kind of down-right nauseating. Granted, it was a published work; a book of poetry, and you've already passed 'em by as far as that goes, but still. Second person sounds kind of snooty. The writhing, starving poet baring his soul and eating his trousers and whatnot.

...we are suffering writers, but we're not trouser-eaters. Yet.

The first part- JimmySamantha- is good. It's good, solid, whatever you will, but a lot of people are not going to like it. So, what do you change?

Get rid of the 'we' repetition at the beginning of sentences. It starts out sort of a storyteller or a stand-up comic, and in second person that's okay, but then the 'we are' sets in, and you sound like a beat poet. A cheesy beat poet.

You can keep the 'we's, just change their positions in the sentences.

VAGUE CHARACTERS: are good. Purple-bracelet girl is good, because we get a feel for her situation- Montagues and Capulets-esque. However, the kids in the house's POV are a bit convoluted. We get from the 'this house is haunted!' quip that they're younger, but then, why are they there?

[It was so very Monster House. You've got younger siblings- have you seen it? :P]

Be vague in PBG way. Give strong enough hints that we get what's going on (PBG sneaks out at night) and that we get a hint to their characters (rebellious).

___

I think the House is my favorite, actually. That, and LittleDrummerBoy- they're the most unique voices. You have a unique style, but as you know from all of the durg addictions and stuff that your characters' voices tend to run together a bit, unless you find a Graham that sticks out a little.

These characters, although they're vague, have their own identity, just from a little fooling around with words on your part.

Two words: luuuuuuuuuurve it. :D
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Thanks Sam :) teeheeeheeh *sneaky grin*




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The second poster took the words right out of my mouth; avante garde.

This selection is so very strange, and I get what you're trying to do, but you're not quite doing it. It's frustrating because I don't know how to tell you what you need to fix. Honestly, I think you're the only one who can be the judge of that. I guess my biggest problem is that you went out of your way to make it intentionally weird. The fact that it's unique didn't come to you spontatneously through your writing, you wanted to make it strange.

Another problem is that, honestly, the story isn't all that clear, assuming that there is a story to begin with at all. My question being what is the point? Why did you write this? It doesn't seem like you're trying to say anything, and that's why the forced strangeness doesn't work for me, because there's no reason to be strange.

On a lighter note, the character voices (except for the first one), are very nice. I like the sparrow personally, and the house has a very sophistocated tone all on its own, which I think is very neat and fitting.

All in all I can already tell that you know how to write and you know what you're doing, but a better thing to do would be to let the rest of us in on what's going on in your head. I'll check out some of your other stories.

Truly,
MeggsTriggerMan




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*

Our lives are quite hectic, chaotic, bizarre. Sometimes we do nothing, sometimes we do strange things, sometimes we wash our hair in the toilet, sometimes we busy ourselves swinging. And the postman comes looking for us.


Do you know, I love the beginning. It reminds me of things that kids do either out of boredom or simply because all kids are meant to do something stupid. So, excellent!

LittleBoyBlue

Jimmy Daughtry used to live on the street down the road, but you won't find him there no more. Folks reckon he's right out of his mind, but I seen him, all tailcoats a flyin', hopping outta his winder couple Saturday nights ago. Plopped straight down onto that cement, and pullin' his backpack straight after him.

Reckon he fell down right across the street, between the alleyway where the Jones' and the Smith's keep house. Scraped the skin clean to his kneebones and kept on a runnin' like he had a monster on his heels. What monster, I dunno, but I'da shore liketa. Wouldn' wanna monster like that after me, no Sir.

Little house there, the one with the blue an' yeller windershutters? And the red roofin'? That was Jimmy Daughtry's house. Reckon he clean run off though, you won't find him here, Mr. Postman, sir. I'll take his letter for ya, iffin you want it took offa yer hands. So's ya don't have to worry 'bout it no more.

I wouldn' wanna halfta worry 'bout something like that, something real important. Jimmy'd like it better iffen I took that offa yer hands. No use stressin' 'bout it now, if he ever comes back (he won't though, Sir, not with that monster on his heels), I'll give it to him.


I loved this whole part. It reminds me of my ancient school days, I remember speaking the same way until the teachers made us stop. It give the reader a picture of a boy, you don’t know his age but you can guess just by his speech.

I still wet myself occasionally.


That is just so great, lol.

The first one who'd spoken moved its hand to the other one's hair and ran its fingers through the tangles.

The yellow, long haired one-the young one who slurred its words, began to rain all over itself, the tiny being.

The red haired one took an unsteady step into the kitchen. I hadn't been stepped on there in so many years, I immediately moaned loudly in protest. It stepped back, and I groaned in relief.

The two tiny beings wandered through the banks of my encampment for some time, and I swallowed them whole, creaking and crying out, and doing my best to deter them from the basement.

The Master would not want them here.

The yellow haired one continued to rain herself, while clutching her fingers to her little belly. When it realized there was no food and no real shelter, it begged its counterpart to find another place to spend the night.

"This house is haunted!" sobbed the little one.

They are not so far from wrong.


My only problem here is each paragraph begins with Th- and you can make it so much better by going about it in another way.

She danced a mad dance on her bed with her father as I watched from the open window. He made the louder noises and had his hand over her mouth. They played the music loudly.


I may be wrong here, and let me know if I am, but reading this I thought the father was abusing his daughter. It was quite disturbing, if I’m right.

*

Hello Misty!

You have this magical touch to this snippet of ‘stories’ that makes the reader want to know more, see more. Beginning with a childhood that could have been anyone’s, I certainly can relate to it.

The second part was quite special, it could be your friend from next door telling you a story and a boy you’d never met and the monster is there to either frighten or awe you, or maybe both.

Now, I’d love to know who this Postman is.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'




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Thanks Myth, and Meggs: I do have a point for this, and it's not forced weirdness~as to why I wrote it, I guess, you'd just have to read the rest.




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Hey Misty,

I'll give you a short one on content here.

JimmySamantha: The repetition of we really does need to go here. Use it sparingly, because it does give the story some potency, but using it too much kind of washes that power out.

LittleBoyBlue: This reminded me of a slave almost, though I'm not sure that was your intention at all. I do love the fact that he is willing to pass on the letter; something real and surreal at the same time.

House: I like the idea behind this one, however I think you executed it poorly. I think it's the fact that some of your lines I like, but then some I found just bad.

I still wet myself occasionally.


Sorry but I just don't like that line at all.

Sparrow: This seemed like you just wanted to bump a bunch of details onto us. Otherwise it was pretty good.
Perception is everything.



attempting foot extraction
— Mea