the notes within my journal

Hiyaaaaa
This forum is my official excuse to 'ugly write' and stow midnight thoughts, pieces of flash fiction I'll never complete, wasted ideas and everything in between.
Feel free to roast me about these pieces or offer however much critique you want. I would appreciate anything!
Secondly, I'm trying to do poetry ( i have a love- hate relationship with poetry) as I have not written any poems since November where I was preparing for an interschool blackout poetry competition on request of my English teacher. (I was literally staying up till 3 AM just to get it done...hahahaha )
And of course, this forum was made after midnight at exactly 00:56 AM on a school night (i have a thing for midnight writing)

Dear Mother
Mother I admire you,
you who refuses to believe.
Believe anything which makes me,
me who will still love you a while
While you paint a pretty picture,
a picture that has now collected dust
Dust i do not bother when
When I bother about you while you hurt
Hurt is a funny thing when it comes from you
You don’t realise, do you?

opened at 2:00 am

and just like always
i sit here in the corner of my living room


and I arch my back against the walls
as always
every bone bruising but that's how I like it


color of my knuckles the prettiest shade of pink
I said i'd never but
my new favourite hobby I tell myself


and my mind drifts
away from how i can't breathe
funny how u're laughing

haha this will be continued.....

you were loved beyond my being.
I thought as I felt my skin fit into white ,only to be reminded of skin that I felt so lovingly. Skin around me that will feel so cold in the heat that will burn it. Ashes that I, so dearly clutch as they slip away into the river I dream of. Blood that left your tightening heart as it rushed out from the stitches that held you when I could not. Blood that will leave me as I will wish for my 7 minutes. Hurt that leaves me when I rub your blood on my scarred, delicate hands across the skin we now share.

I wished to be left alone
As I refused to let myself up from my bed, for it never mattered. As I would cook, eat and wash dishes untouched and let them fall to the ground. As I let myself get hurt as I grasp for the pieces only to caress it while it pricks. And when, I took pills and pills to stop the bleeding or the growing aches along my thoughts. And when, I will grapple for every breath while I remain and reminisce about dreams so sweet, never to open my eyes to the nothingness. And finally when, someone asks a question and I stumble to tell the truth.

would you have known I loved you
If I heard your screaming voice that told you to walk away, and smile a little. If I will laugh a little at those jokes where you gave a smile so strange. So, I chuckle as I laugh at my bargainings to explain the moments where you looked behind to find no one. You looked into my eyes as if we were the ones engraved in pure white marble under the yellow light. Yet, marble will crack into splinters and ash as it separates light, only to dull it. Again, I listen silently as it cracks for I know nothing could ever mould it the way our hands did.

maybe you would have wished to bury me beside you
For you understood how it felt for the hurt to sink down my ribs, your spine till it settles at my stomach. Yet, I will never forgive and forget the world of questions you left me in. But, I ponder the eyes that looked over you and never noticed. Every situation, story and scene that was never my fault but you would never listen. I will, she will, he will, and they will, always glance as if we were wronged, but you would not know. Know how is it to never feel and love and hate and argue as it felt when normal.

...................................................................................................................................................................

ofc, i didn't like it cause it sounded like ai slop so i never got to finish this and missed the deadline. embarrassing but yea this is the only thing i managed to write in aug.
also the continuous tense change was intentional, random but yeaaaa

Today I said good afternoon to you
But what I have always wished to say to you is
That I'll always love you and believe
That there would not be a day where I don't find your notification
or you
That I wish for both of us-
...we never forget.
In tears of joy
in chuckles unheard
and of sorrow
we could never explain.