before it was home it was you

i always thought it odd that
you carried me home. i had never
let myself be held, so--
so close to
falling.

maybe one of these days i will
run into the atlantic--
my favorite body of water, you knew this--
i will laugh like a madwoman, and
tangle my hair with seawater, and
feel the salt grate on my tongue:
maybe that is when you will never see me again.
when i was a little girl, i used to wonder if
i controlled the ocean. maybe i was right and i do.

i decide not to sit here and
wonder if i’ll ever see you again
on one random thursday. i think
i finally know that some people
disappear for good.

he begins the conversation like this:
by telling me i am pretty. "pretty",
but it's never been placed over my head
like a silver medal. i know he lies, they all do.
i choose to believe it: to delude myself,
to pick being wanted like i'm at a strawberry farm.

all it does is rot. i'm timid, he knows that for sure,
i am simply his doll. how long will it take till
he realizes i'm ceramic, cracked in all
the joints? till he tells me to cut myself
on the shards?

i wear the "pretty" like a medal until i am tossed to the curb.
this man knows i have not yet been touched,
this is why he chose me.

kiss marry kill

you say my name and it is
rife with disgust. i have grown to love
this: if it is disdain, it is you.

i'm the last one in kiss marry kill,
everyone here agrees.

the sun shines through your eyes;
i lose my breath--somewhere before it
comes out, all hoarse and mystified.

keep shuffling the cards in blackjack
and telling me my coat clashes with my shoes.

kiss, marry, kill. it was only ever you, anyways.