Slipping

one of my few attempts of free verse

“Slipping”

All feeling leaves my body
I’m falling
Falling through the sky
Falling through the day.
My world dissolves
I’m alone.
There is nothing;
Nothing here where I am.
For I am nowhere.
No light or dark
Sound erupts around me
Yet all is silent.
I’m being torn apart
And I feel no pain.
I am nowhere
I shall remain here
Forever.
But I am shaken
They can not
Nay,
They will not
Let me be.
Let me fall
Let me dissolve.
Please,
Let me slip
Silently
Desperately
Happily
Into peace.

I don't know much about free verse, so sorry if I sound like I don't get it because.... I don't get it. What was the point behind this? What should I take away from it, how should I feel? It's not a bad poem just...I can't connect with it.

When it comes to a poem that deals with emotions, and when its coming from a first person stand point, you have to be very careful. People tend to sort of write the poem selfishly, when what you want to do is bring the reader in. Make us feel the emotions, make us want what you want. Don't just tell us how you feel, and what you want. Give us an emotion/feeling/thought to come away with.

My only problem grammatically is that you need to use commas more. You sort of leave them off, and make them run ons. Remember that even in poetry, you are making sentences.

Please,
Let me slip
Silently
Desperately
Happily
Into peace.

The structure is an excuse to not use commas, but it isn't a good one. If this was a sentence it would look like this, "Please, let me slip silently desperately happily into peace." See how it needs commas? Now go over your whole poem with that in mind.

Hope I helped.

This I would say was nice,though I don't really have a clear idea of free verse.

But In the begining it sounded a bit vague.May be adding something more to this would help.The lines didn't really connect well with each other,The lines needed more emotions and feelings into it.Don't just say what your feelings are being,add something more like explain it with more adjectives.

The ending would have worked out well or may be it has but it is missing something,add that little something to it,(i don't actually know what exactly its missing but it is missing something,lol)

I won't say the poem was totally not good,infact it was good but could have been a lot better.

Keep writing and posting!:)

personally, i love free verse poems as i find they can often b a lot more truthful than others. plus wen you're upset or something, free verse is a very easy way to express that.

the comma thing is true though as if possible u should always end a line in a comma, full stop or some other type of punctuation. this makes the poem run more smoothly and gives it rhythm.

so to sum up, i think it's a really good poem, but some more punctuation would make it better. always read it out loud before u finish and try and make sure that you have put pauses and stops in all the natural places and that you are not running out of breath before the end of the poem.

(quote) i have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways which do not work! - Edison (quote)

blonde is right in that poetry is a good way to express yourself and get feelings down on paper, but was this successful for an audience? As Clau said, the reader needs to be brought in. We read poetry because we want to enjoy it, too. This one didn't really pull me in.

I think that's because it's so abstract. These are general phrases we've heard a thousand times before. Nothing special. This poem just fades away into that growing pile of other poems and songs like it. Question: Could you put just about any title on this piece to explain it and get away with it? Yes. It could be titled "Love" or "Life" or "Oblivion" and it would work.

Instead of getting into the abstract and the boring, write about a certain situation. What inspired you to write this poem? Write about what you saw or what you did. Write about an object or something tangible and easy to relate to, and see where it takes you. Instead of stringing a bunch of phrases together, actually intertwine them and create something unique and meaningful. A child can put beads on a string, but you have to learn to use your knitting needles when it comes to this stuff. Take time. Use detail.

Colleen