Silver Soldier of the Sea

I caught this fish.
Glimmering, Silver Soldier
Of the Sea.
And laid it by my side.

Ripped the hook
From it's nose.
The tear of raw flesh
And a spill of blood.

It fell to the ground,
Writhing in heartbreak
And in pain.
Inching back to the sea.

But my claws clenched,
The undented armour,
Crushing bones, bruising skin,
Indifferent to the agony.

I smashed it's head
Against a rock.
A dull thud.
A dead fish.

Years later I walked
Down to the pier,
To see the slaughter,
Once again.

Cringing at the sound
Of that all too familiar thump.
Silver blades
seeking silver scales.

Motionless, Motionless

I didn't really understand this but the description was great. It was at a perfect length.

magiclukehutch wrote:I didn't really understand this but the description was great. It was at a perfect length.

I actually felt like I understood this too much. I mean, the part about killing the fish is good, but some things could have gone unsaid. The speaker makes things a little too obvious, leaving little for the reader to think about. Here are some parts that were a little too tell-y and could've been left out:

Indifferent to the agony.

To see the slaughter,
Once again.

Cringing at the sound
Of that all too familiar thump.

Motionless, Motionless

Better left for a different type of poem. It might work if you just said "Motionless." Still, it might be a little melodramatic.

But my claws clenched

Claws? Dear me. It's a little too self-deprecating for the speaker to say that he or she has claws. Really, this speaker is too obvious in saying, "I am a bad person! I kill fish with no remorse."

Colleen

Well, too be honest, I think that the details are key to this poems overall effect. A poem is an expression so let it be one, why hide things from the reader, tell them the story. Ever read John Montague? He's a poet that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination, and it's quite effective.

Although you are entitled to your opinion on this poem, I used the word claws very carefully. I'm the bad guy here, I'm the predator, not the prey. And, in this poem, I am speaking about the indifference I once bore towards suffering animals. In the last stanza, I'm speaking about the present, and how I "cringe" when I bear witness to their agony.

And for god sake, try to think outside the box. This poem is a metaphor.

I didn't say that you left nothing to the imagination. I just think some subtlety would be nice. Describing the actions in a way that leaves nothing to the imagination is perfectly acceptable. Throwing in telling phrases that are unpoetic is...not so much.
I'm sorry if you misinterpreted my comment to mean that details are bad. They are, in fact, good. Again, the telling phrases are not details. They belong in prose. Essays, to be precise.

I stand by my opinion of "claws". Take it out.

I realize that the poem is a metaphor. I suppose that most exist to serve the purpose of saying something larger about life. BUT! What you are trying to say is not the issue here; it's how you're saying it.

Please consider the advice you receive on your work.

Dear parker-c-penne,


Sorry, but this is hopeless - a sort of narrative stream (pun intended) that has given the reader little more than words splashed haphazardly on the page.

It might work at a slam, but as written poetry it's immediately obvious that you have no concept of how to build effective lines. You call emphasis to words that have neither narrative nor sonic importance.

The narrator rambles on, never escaping from his own navel, and leads the reader on a circular journey filled with boring, unimportant references to "the kill" that stimulate very little thought.

In short - this is indistinguishable from most beginners' work. If I were in your place, I wouldn't spend time trying to improve it.


Best,
Brad

PS: It would behoove you to critique more work before posting more of your own.

1) Learn grammar. It's your friend. Please note the word I just used... "it's." This word indicates a contraction which means "it is." "Its" indicates possesive.

2) Don't be wordy. It's bad for the poem.

I like the idea of killing fish, because killing is pretty awesome, if you think about it, but really, this way too angsty and stuff. I mean, killing fish is not a horrible thing, and you're sounding pretty silly speaking out against it. This is because the metaphor isn't strong enough. You're wandering everywhere. You have this fish with silver armour and the Silver Soldier of the Sea... yuck. For me, Silver Soldier of the Sea reminds me of Chicken of the Sea. And this is really bad. Just because it sounds good to you when you first think of it, doesn't mean it's going to sound good to others. So you have to make it sound original. Not like a brand name. For soldiers. That's bad.

I do like the idea, as I said, but the presentation is not original. Make it pretty, delete some words, and it should be okay.