Mystification

Mystification

Existing in a universe of obscurity,
a nonexistent plane of impurity,
fleeing from repugnance of transgressions passed,
carelessly reaching towards things unsurpassed.

Devoured by a state of intoxification,
imploring for national annihilation,
slandered with a grotesque sexual disarray,
subtle deception secretly shoving saints astray.

Slowly endulging in political corruption,
rejoicing with each blessed interruption,
controlled by the leader of the infernal region
and his countless, atrocious demon legions.

Doom falling upon the universe of iniquity,
Lucifer facing his undeniable destiny,
the explosive destruction of the plane of temptation -
its termination ending in glorious mystification.



Definitely in needing of a bit of critiquing - I'll appreciate all help. It was something thrown together in about 10 or 15 minutes, so I'll need all the help I can get with this one to elevate it to a decent level. Thanks.

Whoa that poem has the most long words i seen in one poem. I agree with concept, but you just tried stuffing too much fancy words in it. It's got a good message, but i only understood because I understand most of words. Also try doing it without rhyming.

I'll definitely take that into consideratoin; however, I was aiming for the complexity of the words. The diction is this poem was aimed to make the reader think - it's really a rare trait for a poem of mine to come out like this, however, it did serve a purpose. After I return this afternoon, I think I'll look into it and water it down just a tad.

I'll also take into consideratoin that I get into my "deep thinking/pondering" moods and, often times, my poetry reflects my mood. Therefore, I believe I'll have to change it later upon taking that into consideratoin. I appreciate the comment.

Ending-Karma,


This has a promising start but dissolves into a heavy handed rant before our eyes. This is compounded by hoary cliches (national annihilation, sexual disarray, political corruption) and the journey metaphor (which never does seem appropriate) is done to death by the time this reaches a merciful end.

It's not hopeless, but it's on life support. Any revision should begin with removing any word spanning more than three syllables. You say this is your diction--it reads more like a flagrant display of a "large" (large being more synonymous with multi-syllable than expansive) vocabulary. In fact, they actually clutter your diction, your voice, because they ruin the flow of the piece.

Consider also marginalizing the scope of your piece: it is broad and, ultimately, as a result, uninteresting. Your point in poetry is to make a point; speaking about the universe, of things much greater than ourselves, is a sure-fire way to NOT do that.


Best,
Brad

I pretty much agree with Incan and Siegfried. Too many big words doesn't make people think: it makes them scratch their heads and wonder if this pompous idiot's trying to say something. And the rhyming just adds to the confusion.

There's something interesting buried underneath all those words. I actually kind of liked the last stanza. Keep writing!

I don't know, I think I like the "big words." Maybe the message wasn't that fantastic, but more important to me was that I had a lot of fun reading it.

I'm not sure why I like it, but I wouldn't cut out anything, really. It's fun to read, and it's fun to think about.

Prokaryote

I really like the big words you used but on the other hand they sort of ended in the destruction of the poem. I'm not sure if this is about chaos altogether or one specific event, or if I'm totally off about both. It was really nice in the beggining I'll definately give you that. Just edit the last three lines or so to really get your point across. Nice Job.

I disagree that you use too many "big words". What are "big words" anyway but an unfamiliar expansion of some people's vocabulary? I like your usage of words because, though long and intricate, your able to keep a moderate flow. You also manage to clearly state your opinion while leaving little vagueness and enigma (which is something i rarely find in poems).

kudos!

Ummmmmmmmmm...I believe about half of the 2007 collegiate dictionary is stuffed into that piece of work. Just kidding, just kidding. No, I am not the Simon Cowell of poetry critique. =] Constructive...but not vicious.

I liked how the poem flowed and seemed to have an audible beat. Your imagery was brilliant and the concept was great.

There were too many complex words and I think that if you kept some and replaced others, it would be a professional-sounding, imaginative poem.

Keep up the good work.