How Can You Love Him?

This is my first posting of a poem or a story or anything. I'm not quite sure on the puncuation so if you have any advice let me know. Thanks!


How Can You Love Him?

He may have loved you
But apparently he loved someone more
And even now, the pain still stings
The burning dagger piercing your heart
And you still love him

You can’t ever forget
And you shouldn’t
Those were happy times
But what he did was wrong
Yet you still love him

Love is fragile
Though it grows to be strong,
It can be easily destroyed
He carelessly tossed you aside
But you still love him

He said he was committed to you,
That he loved you unconditionally
But his actions speak louder than his words
His two different children,
From two different mothers
Aren't they proof enough?

If they can't convince you
Let the burning pain make it real
Let it leave no doubt in your mind
The guilt is not pinned on you
It was his own choice

He may plead,
Shed a tear or two
And even if you leave him again,
You’ll never forget
Because you’ll always love him

I'd love to critique your poem right now; but I'm loaded with homework.

You said you wanted punctuation help? I wrote an article on Poetry & Punctuation that might help you. I'll come back ASAP and critique it

Firstly, repeating the "you still love him" message at the end of every stanza was redundant, and not particularly creatively versed, so I'd suggest you cut that format.

You can't ever forget
And you shouldn't

You can't, you shouldn't
ever forget.
Or something along those lines. Combine things.

He so carelessly tossed you aside

"so" isn't needed.

I enjoyed how you started it off with a metaphor in the beginning, but other than that, the taste of the poem was decidedly bland. From just the first five lines, you expressed that the narrator loves a male character unconditional. After this, you didn't establish any other branching points, but merely elaborated in vague examples. I would like to hear more about the pain of this love, the abuse he issues, the desire that is suffered indefinitely. You touch upon these points, and I believe that if you played with them, each would become valid and lyrical.

This is a good piece of work, but I request you develop it further.

Finally, for my critique! Yes, please do work on the punctuation.

And, what is the point? Might I ask. This verges close to the usual teen love poetry, but in some lines I think you could use to take it further and make it something better.

But what he did to you was wrong
Yet you still love him

What did he do that was so wrong? Was it something horrible? Obviously, if it was something like break up with the narrator, or cheat, its nothing to write a poem about but if it was something more dramatic like...rape! Or Murder! Or you know, something that people like to read about? You could expand on that part.

You're doing a lot of telling in this poem. Emotional poems are hard to work around, because you have to get the reader to connect with you. Poets get selfish when they write emotional poems; you always have to remember that there will be an audience. Don't tell us that you love him still, that you are in pain, that he did horrible things, make us feel these same emotions with you. Then, you will have a good poem. Always try to bring the reader in.

Which goes along with this next fact, when you read a poem, you want to come away with some feeling or thought, this really gives me nothing. Try to write with the reader in mind.

I'm only guessing that you might be a beginning poet, but the BEST way to improve any skill (Fiction or poetry) is to read, read, read! Read poems, or read books about writing poetry, and poetry style. All of it will help you in the end.

Hope my advice does you some good in the long run

Actually, I wrote this poem about my sister. I have never really hated anyone until now. My sister's boyfriend had two daughters with two different mothers while he was still dating my sister. They dated for 4 years and I will never forgive him for what he did. The pain is indescribable and I'm just her sister! Pure, raw, visceral hate...

Seriena wrote:Actually, I wrote this poem about my sister. I have never really hated anyone until now. My sister's boyfriend had two daughters with two different mothers while he was still dating my sister. They dated for 4 years and I will never forgive him for what he did. The pain is indescribable and I'm just her sister! Pure, raw, visceral hate...

Wow. I would say that's some pretty strong emotion. I can't imagine anything like that happening to someone I knew.

Now that I know what was running through your head to make you write this, I think it deserves more. A lot of these were general/abstract statements.

Love is fragile
Though it grows to be strong,
It can be destroyed
He so carelessly tossed you aside
But you still love him

This is an example. These five lines would fit into about a zillion poems about lost love. It's jumpy. The lines don't flow well together, except for the first two. Try making the whole thing like the first two lines of this stanza in terms of flow. Make it easy to go from line to line.

His two different children,
From two different mothers
Aren't they proof enough?

This is strong. It shows a lot. You didn't have to say "His actions speak louder than his words," because showing this action is going to wow the reader. Also, it's specific. It's not some abstract statement like "Love grows to be strong." This is specific, personal, and will draw the reader in and make him or her feel emotion.

Channel the hate you feel toward this guy into powerful statements that show things. Instead of telling the reader, "He's a bad person," show the reader some actions of his that will translate to (but do not blatantly say) "He's a bad person." It's much more effective that way.

Colleen

Oh, yes, and punctuation. Look at Clau's article.

This was really nice but I felt you were attempting much detail without getting as much as the poem needed. If it was added to and really thought through this could make for a great poem, but you need to focus on filling inside your border lines.

Keep at it!
-Rieda

Seriena,


This is five strophes longer than it should be.

For this poem, there's a lot that can garner easy praise (relatability, tortuosity of love, etc--mind, it's all pretty boring), but there needs to be something deeper and ready to dig under the fence.


Best,
Brad