Chionophobia #24 /P

Removed.

Incan,

This is good, but I fear that Jonathan's continued dip into despair is causing this story to drag. I have told you my opinion about the story's beginning and you have reassured me that it is being tightened.

My question about this chapter, or plotline rather, is what is the purpose of Danielle? She is dying, yes, perhaps just another aspect of Jonathan's misery and suffering, not just in his personal life but also his professional. So then why is there this need to mix the two?

I appreciate the fact that Jonathan is continually on a quest of self-exploration and that he does not only have relationships with his wife and Kyle. So why must everything be of a romantic nature? Once again, I must ask the question of why Danielle has been mixed into his personal life. Originally she was part of his professional and I thought the tension this fact brought was ideal. How many lovers must he have before he finds himself?

I'm going to stop here because I really like this story and I even like this chapter, but it seems to be missing something. I'm not quite sure what it is.

Oh my goodness!!!

you never cease to amaze me incan!

Trident -


If Danielle dies, Jonathon, as her son's treating physician, by law becomes the temporary guardian of her child. This is her significance.


Best,
Brad

He saw a crack that run up the side of her bedroom wall

ran? It reads better like that.

Eh. It was Ch. Nothing magical, marvelous, or what not. In fact I dare say, if she's giving some thing of her organs to the child (which I don't think she is), this made me think an awful lot of House.

It was beautifully written, but terribly unexciting, Brad, can't you do better? Of course from what I heard there has to be chapters that are "down moments". I think one of the reasons it didn't excite me is right from when she took the pill I knew she was going to die, I knew she was killing herself, so I didn't really care.

He grabbed her hand. “We’re doing this together.”

this made me th ink they were killing themselves, together, but I knew they weren't. Killing Jon kills the story; but the line was deceiving even if I knew it was. You don't have to change it, but its only a small suggestion.

I really wanna find out who Kyle loves And I have to reply to this, "How many lovers must he have before he finds himself?" From what I'm reading, the way I'm looking at your story, it isn't the number of lovers he must have, its the way he views them. He has to look at the lovers the way they are meant to be looked at (appreciate them fully?) to find himself. But I may be completely shooting into space and digging into invisible ground with this one XD Ah well.

I look forward to the next one, even if this one wasn't as exciting as the norm. Again, maybe we just all need mellow moments.