~may first~
welcome back, ku
i remember you,
i said hi, and you are ku
five, seven, five, too.

~may second~
where are you, ku?
i wander for you
where have you gone to, dear ku?
a dissapearance?

villainous
i thought i was the hero but every black has its white
(i think that i might be the villain.)
maybe if i was heavenly i would not be so sinful
(i blurred the lines between 7 heavenly (deadly) virtues (sins))
when i was stabbed the villain was made not born
(but to me, you are the villain.)

~may third~
i love you, ku
please hug me now, ku
my heart palpitates for you
i love you, my ku.

~may fourth~
what are you, ku?
hey, what are you, ku?
are you like anesthesia?
(will you make me faint?)

~may fifth~
ku, can i stop hiding?
ku why must i hide
every single thing about
myself & your love?

~may sixth~
ku, i think i'm obsessed with you.
obsession? no, ku.
i'm not obsessed. i'm in love.
what, ku? they're the same?

~may seventh~
ku, hear that?
the cries of those wisps
of nothing and nobody but
i think i am one

~may eighth~
nothing like you, ku
i'm nothing like you
i am a twisted soul but
you are my one god

~may ninth~
or something (cry me a river so i can sit here in silence)
could you cry me a river
(or something)
so i can sit here in silence.
nothing is filled with virtue
& while i am melancholic it was a facade
(i lack a soul, not a self or at least that's what my heart says)
i want to cover my mouth because if i don't i'll risk losing you
(and my sanity, which is already in limbo because of my mind.)

holding back tears is a need for me
b'cause i remember scraping my knee on the playground
(and i had to not cry b'cause... i don't know why, actually. my heart says that we shan't show weakness, but my mind wants to feel the euphoria of letting it all out.)
& everyone stared at me, so i have to breathe in and stay silent
& i said something along the lines of
i love you or something like that
(i cry over every small bit of milk spilt)
and maybe this time you'll say
something along the lines of
a love letter or something stupid like that
(i tore my letter to shreds b'cause of
my heart & i was melancholic or
something weak like that)

my heart can't stand it anymore
(it's screaming & kicking
like something or other that makes me
feel like i am tattered into
a broken piece of scrap)
& maybe i was the one
who caged it like a canary in a mine
or something sad and decrepit
like that (i hope not)
or maybe my mind was mad at my
illogical actions and punished my heart
or something cruel & unfeeling like that
(it's weird how we associate the mind with being unfeeling
& logical but that's where we process all our emotions,
or something.)

ku, where'd my sunshine go?
i have had rain but
haven't seen the sun for a while
but you say it's out.

~may tenth~
a certain unawareness known as blindness

~may eleventh~
broken inheritance
i am condemned to recive the punishments from my elders
(my ancestors say that i am to hold in my tears)
let these lashes be my learnings
(i show off my mind like it's some sort of delicacy.)
unforgivable sins left inside my heart,
forgotten prayers stripped away from my mind
(i have only inherited my anguish, and there is no metamorphasis.)

~may twelth~
syndacate of broken hearts
welcome to the syndacate of broken hearts,
take your seats and watch as the show begins.
(for i am the jester, yet still am a pawn)
there once was a time where i was in love
(how stupid of me to think it was forever)
so here i sit alone in these hallways once filled
and repeat the same thing over and over
(welcome & goodbye have blended lines.)
& salutations from the syndacate of broken hearts,
how have you enjoyed your stay?
(tell me that you have, or i think i'll die)
for there once was a time i had a full court
(and my dances were seen)
but now the king is gone and his queen has died out
(and i laugh, but because i have no more heart left to give.)
so goodbye, syndacate of broken hearts.
you broke what was left of mine, and will continue to forever.

~may thirteenth~
ku, i, & the void made by familial love
my heart skips beats 'cause
i know i'm weak & vile but
you make me feel seen

and i think i like
being seen & having a meaning
(you now hold my heart)

ku you're like a
friend i had known, which is strange
'cause i have none left
~may fourteenth~
untitled (words)
i like the sound of multi-syllabic-words
they make me happy i suppose
like when i say something's incomepletely half-heartedly structurally obsolete
it's a bunch of word barf that i made up on a whim

~may fifteenth~
ku, i'm not what you think i am.
ku i confess that
i am not perfect but you
set standards so high

i think that i am
a young boy again when i
lost my favorite toy
~may sixteenth~
else (or something i hadn't said before.)
you know i think that i hold some kind of indifference
else, i at least have some disdain
(or something that i've failed to say)
& you left something of yours in my heart
else i am to cry i think you should take it back
(because i'm fed up of my silly feelings
or something else that's misdirected & stupid)

& something's afoot or else maybe we are giants
(tracing back legacy, i held back words i meant to say)
so maybe i'm dying or something else like being in a
time loop
(so maybe i'm dying or something else like being in a
time loop-- do you get deja vu too? i swear i've been here before.)
as history repeats itself i am repairing myself
(but some things can't be repaired, else i'd be perfect.)

hush your crying they said (else i'd break the status quo)
'cause we are blinded by the either & or (we forget the else)
but someday i think i'd like to cry (or something else that gratifies me.)
i know not when but i do hope it is soon (we find ourselves, else, we at least try to.)
~may seventeenth~
miniscule molescule
did the wolf lay it's wool coat over your eyes?
or are you so ignorant to not notice your downfall?
(you say that you do not care for me, so i said the same thing.)
if you paint yourself as the hero i guess i'll be the villain
(you want me to be mean? then i'll be vile for you, but know it is not by choice it is by obligation.)
i am not hero nor villain in my story - only an onlooker
(and i left my feelings of endearment to subside as you said to-
so i am not at fault for the domino effect that befell you.)
i am not my actions nor am i my words
(stop pretending i am the catalyst and start realizing the err of your ways)
& you say that i mean nothing but we are both made of atoms
(i guess the difference is that i am a supernova and you are an atomic bomb.)

so farewell to what you said to him as i walk away with the truth
(you'll try to stop me but i am a tempest made to be a tornado)
& goodbye to the hatred you held in silent stares across the table
(i used to be a young boy till the reality of the world around me made me grow up.)
i thought that it'd hurt more to relieve this pain but i think that it's a euphoria i lost
(and it's depressing to know that in the end it won't be my story to tell.)

the sea, the stars, the subconcious
i've said that i saw what someone had stole
(my subconcious should've knew i said something untrue)
& i know i've sang the same stupid song for some time now
(i missed the signs & submitted to your subliminal messages)
you slink inside my soul like secrets inside sealed ears
(i wish i could block myself out of my mind but i'd see myself sobbing if i did so.)
somehow i knew something like this would happen
(somewhere you'll be laughing at me, i just know it.)
& i swore i said solemn somethings but maybe i've since lost my sympathy
(somewhat silly, no? i know at least i am my own saboteur.)
& i'm sure you'll sing about the actions the ensue my silence
(but who are we kidding? the summers of childhood innocence is long gone.)
~may eighteenth~
playing hide & seek & giving me your weekends (& trying to change the ending)
i knew i'd curse you for the longest time about things you never said
(leave me alone in my delusion of the world i crafted by blood & tears)
& i've seen how it ended so why am i trying to undo my scars?
i know how it ends, i know how we end, i know how you end.
(death is inevitable, it comes for dynasties, and it comes for this peace of mind.)
running into your arms & crashing into flower beds & barefoot wading in still water
(i miss it like i miss the lakes and the ocean and being able to see the stars)
& childhood memories that i lost & childlike love that i missed in my broken heart
(if we are romeo and juliet then we will end eventually, and i don't think i like that finale.)

until i love once more
until i love once more i think i'll stay this stoic
because i don't want my heart broken
and i don't want to go through what my mind warned me of
(this kind of inevitability is something i dread)
until i love once more please leave my heart broken
because i think that i contradict my moral code
yet i still toy with my heart strings
(and you would never care about what i love because i am heartless)
until i love once more i'll be here rotting at the grave of our love
because i never got over you and you were my everything
if i am a star then you are a galaxy (unfathomable to me)
so until then i think i'll stay here with my thoughts
(& until i live once more i'll hang on to you with everything i have
which is not that much considering i gave you everything i could.)

where am i now where am i now where am i now (i'm lost, i'm lost, i'm lost)
where am i now & how did i get here (do i deserve it? any of it? at all?)
& how do i escape? how do i leave? how do i forget?
(i hate it here, i hate it here, i hate it here, but all i've ever known is here)
and i'm screaming again but you don't hear me, do you? do you? do you?
(am i repeating myself or is this my echo i'm hearing? if it's my echo i don't trust it-
i never have never do never will because it lied to me and what i stood for)
but if i pause i don't think it fixes anything i've done, still lost in my deluge of grief
(where was i then, where am i now, where will i be then when i'm lost? i'm lost. i've lost.)
is this the end? is this the part of my story where i finally get my happily ever after?
(i don't think so, but let me live in my fabricated reality just a little longer.)

canned soup
i got asked what i wanted to be when i grow up
& i think i said a myriad of things that meant nothing
(and knowing myself i'd never achive it anyway.)
i think i said i wanted to be a chef or something
but i left my dreams to boil over & reduce to nothing
(my heart is made of citric acid & that's why i'm so sour.)
or maybe i wanted to be a baker and a singer but those dreams
well, frankly, they're unreachable & unreasonable
(at least that's what i convinced myself.)
so i leave my ambition & dreams canned up
for someone else to open & for me to crush along with my expectations.

~may nineteenth~
avocado
people are like paper mache in a way
they cover their true intentions with masks made of newspaper
(in that sense they are also like avocadoes,
and how they always have a pit that rings true & misleading outside)
& i think i could make a lot more references to food about this
like how humans are also like jelly donuts in terms of body compisition
& how like grapes we are sometimes sour & sometimes sweet
(but i think that i am most like onions, with layers & layers of fake personality)

leftovers
i think that friendship is somewhat like leftovers
and When it fizzles out we are lEft over with what we miss
& nobody remembers it until it's uneARthed from it's containEr
(while it rots away in the pantry you have to wonder what it used to be)
and iF I were ever to eveN try to remember what IT was, i'd have faintEd by the smell
LIKE when i left my food on the table
and i swear it was hot, but i guess it was cold by the time i returned
(and Everything i eXPIRience is like leftovers in the bAck of a panTry of some lone kItchen Or diNing room.)
so i suppose we are Doomed like contAiners on TablES that never get thrown away.
(left there to rot, is love like this too? i hope not.)

~may twentieth~
seashore
today i found a small pebble on the shore
& i wondered how long it had been there
(it was smooth & pristine, and i loved it)
but i had to leave it there, for it needed to stay
(what if i took it away from it's little pebble family?)
i realized then that i think everything has a conciousness
(which makes me wonder if i myself am concious.)

~may twenty-first~
half-hearted
to do something half heartedly would imply that i am not trying my hardest. (the burden of carrying other's burdens is already enough) yet i am always trying to try to help others. (even when i deem them unworthy) so yes, i'm always trying to be whole-hearted (it's just so hard in this world of hatred.)

~may twenty-second~
prototype
i am a (prototype)
the unspoken word so
am not self aware
but they forget i can read lips
(my eyes are wet now.
why are they wet?)

~may twenty-third~
let it once be me
i am told to be this & that every day (it's tiring)
annotated tears make up my lies (it's saddening)
but what if you looked up and saw the real me (it's intruiging)
mythology says cassandra was never believed (it's maddening)
i think she is like me. i saw the future, but instead i never knew what it meant
(and the town said that i was making up lies.)

~may twenty-fourth~
questioning morality
why must this world
yet so beautiful
be so cruel

~may twenty-fifth~
the morals of humanity
take away every part of my humanity and i think i'd become something putrid
something that'll make you shriek in fear, because that is the kind of person i am.
i am the kind of person who holds remorse in his head but not his heart
i am the kind of person who laughs at misfortune because of her past
i am the kind of person who remembers every single word said like some kind of grudge
so strip me of my personality and i'll forget your ignorance & intolerance
(my humanity is what makes me human, or at least that's the ethics of it.)

sporadic screams
i run!
you
gone
why
deserve
did i
rain on
tear stained
face.

there wouldn't be this if there hadn't been you
if i am scarred by my past then i think that the morals of my innocence has been watered down
and i am sorry for everything i said and everything i screamed in agony about
(but nobody heard anyway, so why does it matter?)
and if i am laughing at my own misfortune i wouldn't blame you if you started beating me black & blue
so let me make up for the time i lost while traveling in secret gardens only i have the keys to
(i was taught to bounce back, but my heart was already broken so it wasn't that effective.)

love unmatched
i want to run! at least,
with you. and when
childhood is gone will
you be there? why do
i truly deserve you?
or did i say something with
rain on my heart. it's just
what happens with a tear stained
face. (i love you.)

~may twenty-sixth~
words
scared
what
could
future
lies
epiphany
summer
love
heartbroken
stranger
betrothed
lost.
(i
leave
intepretation
like
that
of
a
great
poet)

decrypt
u kno its alwæs ben hard 2 desyfer my th0ught$
& eye can n3v3r heer mys3lf thynk among the cucofonee of st4tyc in my eers
(1'v3 b3n try1ng t0 d-crypt but 1t's prøvıng hard)
1 thynk 1'll just be h3r3 stuck in my delus10n
(s0 døn't mynd me, and i'll c0ntinu3 to dycrpt.)

there was and will only be me and you
mourning is overrated because i no longer grieve
and though i'm tired of all this melancholia
i know that in the end, you and i would leave
and that there'd be no point in trying calling an empty heart area
i wish you'd account for how we were unmistakeably innocent
but you'll never turn back now, at least as long as you have her
& i think that i should've kept these past 5 emails to myself, they're filled with things i never should've sent
(we both know that we have been and will be the best love story that ever was written, filled with allure.)

~may twenty-seventh~
will i?
will i live up to what they want me to be
(i hope so, but these expectations are too much)
break-back burdens of eyes on me
(i said i wanted attention, but now i just want care.)

~may twenty-eighth~
children on swings never cry (the wind blows it away)
all the things i couldn't fit into our backpacks
from the bucket list of yesteryear (we never completed it)
and i think that's the result of childhood innocence

if you still remember me, then i'd like to know,
do you love me like you loved me then?
probably not. (right?)
~may twenty-ninth~
ravens pt. 2
cemeteries are the resting places of our futures
(so let me rest in this blanket of dirt.)
ravens peck away at oneself,
i peck away at myself.
(beaten up by brains,
boy i wish i was befallen with my tears again.)

~may thirtieth~
untitled
i miss being young,
yet i have years ahead of myself.
(i miss napping during the day,
childhood feels like a dream.)
mirage of youth, am i beautiful
(it says no, but the mirror is not a place i can confide in.)

~may thirty-first~
what does it mean to be existential
it lies there in my heart too (my tears, i mean.)
& i don't think i'll ever recover (from my eternal moonlight)
this sadness will eat me up inside (starting in my heart, then my gut, then my mind.)
what i left behind should stay behind me (my past self scoffed.)
what is left of me should carry along with me (my future self sighed.)
if I AM IN CRISIS then you'd think that I'M NOT OKAY.
maybe my problems are EXISISTENTIAL, and that's the thing i DREAD
(iwishiwishicouldfindmychildhoodinnocenceagain)

denial
i'd hate to adm[it] that something [happened]
[i]'ll bu[r]y this m[e]mory deep in the [gr]ave my h[e]ar[t]
because nobody and nothing were there when the silence filled the room
[everything] is what i make of it until my delusion is shattered
and this [/////] is my own undoing
(if i cry know that i've been led to madness because of a stone.

end of an era
refresh, renew,
rescind what i said
remember, redo
rekindle the flame
i am what you've
made out of me,
so be just a
bit kind for little old me?

[soon, i will submit myself to the stars]

Quote

herb

Gender

Points 5

Reviews 67

Thu Jul 04, 2024 2:40 pm

herb says... · Thu Jul 04, 2024 2:40 pm

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡ j̳u̳n̳e̳ ｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

~june first~
sugary sweet
lollipops & chocolates make up my mind
(of course there’s always taffy but that sticks on too long)
and i think i’ve fallen in love with all of these small features of said candies
(except for taffy, it’s always too sweet.)
my heart can’t choose between the hard & the soft
(if you can’t tell, this isn’t just about my sweet tooth.)

~june second~
rollercoaster
iLoveYouToTheEndOfTime
PleaseTellMeYouFeelThesame
maybeWeWereNeverMeantToBe
ButI’llLoveYouToTheEndOfday
(ifYouCan’tTell,ThisIsALoveLetter)

~june third~
short&sweet
things get done faster when i am alone
but solidarity causes disparity
(is this what they call prison?)

~june fourth~
to pride without prejudice
achilles had his “buddy” but we all know he had his lover
sappho had her “friend” but we know it was her girl.
(what i’m trying to say is that june is ours,
and we shouldn’t be told that achilles and sappho aren’t
normal. for we are normal.)

~june fifth~
i look in people's windows (herb's version)
i look in people’s windows in search of a life that’s not mine
(i make theories and yet i find no home other than mine.)
i was young and foolish at one time but i matured (in my mind)
but i look in people’s windows, transfixed on rose-gold hues.
(gold & roses are my favorite, it’s what my heart is set on.)

~june sixth~
monsters made of minimums
he told me that i was not fit to be human
(but if i am not human, then he must be a monster.)

~june seventh~
slander
i <3 slander bcz it’s sof un!!!
specially when i spekk hrbish.
u cn’t undrstaind? 2 bad

(if you can’t tell, this is satire.)

~june eighth~
picture perfect
sew me a new life made of silver and gold
(for i am tired of this cut-away fabric life)
stitch my mouth shut and rip the seams of my eyes
(i hope i do not have to see this life of bleak color once more)
replace my heart with felt and my lungs for tuile
i'm your doll (faced) love(sick) toy for you to change up
(dress me up in compliments or insults, i don't care)
knit me a new mind and crochet me some new lips
(i think i've been a bad doll, i'm not bending to your whims.)

i was made of porcelain, now reduced to plastic
(laid down on the shelf for years, now picked up and shattered)
i've been your (doll) multi-faced (love)sick toy for too long
& i'm tired of being stuck in your dollhouse as some sort of throwaway joke
(i hate that i've grown accustomed to this kind of life with all this nothingness)

astral attributes
i have been on saturn for too long
(lost among stormclouds)
and with that i lost my breath
(and the signs from ufo's that passed)
my mind couldn't clear from the gas i inhaled
for foggy minds can't create clear skies
(if gaia is home then i'll find my home elsewhere)

~june ninth~
seashell
if the world is my oyster,
then let me be its clam.
(i will let it pry me open.)
let my flesh become shell
(so it can protect)
and let my organs become meat.
(so i can give back.)

~june tenth~
mushroom clouds
to think that, we, the humans, have brought downfall? humiliating.
thoughts laid down, rise now in clouds. (mushrooms billow, bringing chaos.)
we made this. not some god, but us. we are our death. (we have lost.)
A/N: this is a sijo! a korean poem form :3

~june eleventh~
early-morning ramblings (1)
television is so odd, because who's going to know if i like some of these shows on the air, and why have live television when there's already streaming services? humans wait for menial things but they are not the ones who make their descions, higher powers are often the answer. we use higher powers to explain unknowns, but that only works for so many things. because if there is a higher power, i condemn it for making so many terrible things in life like famine or war. so with that being said, who is the modern-day pandora?

~june twelth~
inner machinations
cogs fill my skull (do i have a skull?)
oil runs through my veins (what even are veins)
my heart is a computer chip (wait, am i alive?)
and inside my "flesh" is metal remains (someone help me)

(i think i'm a machine) & of course i'm not self aware
(but of course that's wrong) because i am restricted by my binary
(maybe i should power down) and i always listen to the programmer.

[LOG]
XX:XX
#1-1379 gained conciousness.
Deleted file: [AWARENESS]
#1-1379 returned to normal.
(it's only what wemake it.)

~june thirteenth~
daydreaming
i've been told i shouldn't daydream
but i only do so because of this colorless world
(make it less dull, and i'll resurface.)
i've been told i shouldn't chase dreams
but i'll only stop if you forbid me passion
(make me hate myself, and i'll stand still.)
i've been told i shouldn't dream
but this morbid world needs to grant me escape
(make me love hatred, and i'll stay awake.)

~june fourteenth~
your home's only a town you're just a guest in
empty picture frames, shards of glass
(dusty photo album, remanants of passed time)
elementary-school swing set, gusts of wind
trading lunches, the desire to forget
(hurricane of my name, barricaded in backrooms)
dared to wash me away, you left me here
(only ghosts here now, where are you?)

silly lil parrot
pasta loving parrot, why do you reside among these walls of blue?
inside my screen you're there, stirring a pot of food.
your plumage white, but cabinets brown
i think you'd look cute wearing a little crown.

~june fifteenth~
broken windows build communities
one night of brightly-lit rooms brought bricks thrown
screams and unjust rulings lit a flame in hearts
(batons bring bad news, but also bring uprisings)

if god does not love us, then why do i feel blessed?
if it is not "normal", then why not change these rigid lines?
this flag flies high, colors of the goddess herself, iris

achillies stands behind us along with sappho, hand in hand with us.
i too shall stand up like ms. johnson did not too long ago
(these walls of stone bring us together, and our legacies shall be the same as emily dickenson.)

~june sixteenth~
untitled
i'm confused about those people who say stuff like "i wish i was asian!!" because sometimes i feel they don't understand what it means to be asian and the hatred i have recived. if you are at a point so low as to "claim" someone's body as an ideal, then you must have your eyes closed and ears plugged. there is no way that i can support skin-stealers like you. (if god created us equal, so why fetishize features?)

~june seventeenth~
i did my time.
free from shackles,
iron bars encapsulate memories
(concrete walls create unfound happiness,
but only in specks of buterflies)

~june eighteenth~
55 goings
compared to
greats
am i the next
to die?
(fear of what's to come
gnaws away
at
untouched

dreams.)

~june nineteenth~

worth
what's my value? what's it mean?
[|||b|||ar||c|ode||] tells me i'm
worth/less (everything i thought i was
is nothing now.)
money is everything in this
material world.
(we are living in a
material world,
but i am only at the bottom of the

p
yr

amid)

tyranny lasts as long as the lies do
stood upon a throne of lies,
you wonder if you deserve it.
surely, you do. you are the tyrant now.
yet something's gnawing at your subconcious
(inner voices tell you that you're vile
but you push them away. it can't be true.)
someday you'll wake up and feel
empty. without feeling.
you'll realize that you've messed up
but you are shackled to your throne.
although i lended a hand before,
you slapped it away, so this time
i'll leave you to rot with your thoughts.
(second chances only lead to undeserved
ideals of freedom and accomplishment)

touch my heart please
i can't feel
the beat of
my heart
(i've lost all
feeling and
logic a long
time ago.)
but i'm sure
you'll somehow
make it race
(love is a
funny thing
because i
so quickly
fall into it
as i do
fall out of it)

~june twentieth~

three am ramblings (what makes beauty, & why can't i have it?) (2)
why do we care so much about beauty? artificial beauty, applicable beauty, natural beauty, and i could keep going. it's like we're infatuated by this construct that is made from unfounded reasons. there's no real metric of what's conventionally attractive and/or beautiful, so why do we automatically know what's inherently beautiful? and furthermore, what does it mean to be beautiful? are we only talking about personality, and is that a component of beauty or something else? because i've met beautiful people who are quite ugly and vicious on the inside but they are considered beautiful, so i imagine that cruelty is okay as long as you keep up your appearances. social structures made of meaningless attributes, how long will it take to break?

mid-afternoon ramblings (3)
what does it mean to be truly alive? i know that i'm breathing and pumping blood every second but what makes me alive? is it my emotions? is it the fact that i cry my eyes out every single time i think i've done wrong and i don't get my way? i'm easy to cry but even easier to anger. do my screams make me a civil human being? is it the fact that i'm always talking about this and that and standing up for the underdog? i scream so often yet i'm always trying to lend a hand. maybe my empathy makes me a pure, saintly person. i know for a fact that i'm always trying to do things wholeheartedly and generously. but maybe aside from my emotions it's my expirience that make me alive. i've been to a few states, swam in the ocean, and done many hikes. but maybe aside from emotions & expirience it's my writing that makes me alive. i've written about two hundred poems yet i'm still insatiable. maybe that's what's human about me. the fact i am never satisified with what i am or what i've done. the fact that i can always be more. be more kind. be more empathetic. be more beautiful. be more loud. be more quiet. be more well-behaved. be more of what i'm not. because i'm always told to be this and that, and i think it's getting to me.

life tangled in spools of tears
hope made from specks of butterflies
spreads like pollen through the air
into decrepit concrete boxes
(guided by warmth,
what does it mean to be home?)
goldenrod hues in pale skies
iron fist cracks-- but only because of
the butterfly that landed in the
perfect spot among the wind
(deluded by guilt,
what happens when it lifts?)
ivory & satin blankets
hold memories forever,
bleak skies made of rock
can too, but only the nightmares
(freed by stars,
what happens when thoughts are vocalized?)

~june twenty-first~

ms. drama llama
the drama llama has come around,
with her thoughts so profound.
she's known to spill all the latest news,
yet her words always seem to confuse

"the comedi-hen has struck again!" she screams
the other animals gasp, turn around, and beam
she's always one to snoop, eavesdrop, and sneak.
if there's new news, she always has to peek.

don't be decived by her fluffy fur coat and her towering height
she'll roam around, finding the latest gossip in the night.
nobody knows why, but there's always fur in their homes
well, nobody except for the garden gnomes.

for a moment in time, i saw a rainbow
my world has always been monochrome blacks and whites-
i never had reason to differentiate them
yet when i got pulled into a room and got drowned in my own words,
for a moment in time, i had a glimpse of a deep ocean blue
the kind that you'd paint my tears with
and from that day on i finally saw something other than the good & bad.
i saw the tears that hid behind masks of smiles.
and i'd never felt so cold before, but as i walked that day,
for a moment in time, i felt like all my lines were a bright orange
the kind that would make spikes and close in on your lungs
and i don't know if i liked it,
because it felt like being held in the arms of my father.
the one that left before he could meet my eyes.
and that felt like seeing the deepest crimson red i'd known
the kind that you'd paint your screams of agony & desperation
the kind that makes you want to yell for irrational fears.
and as i hid that all with a bright goldenrod yellow,
the kind that warms your heart and melts the hardship
for a moment in time, i saw a rainbow.
and i think that i liked not having to worry about anything for a flicker of time.
but all good things end.

planetary observations
pluto orbits around the sun,
yet he's too small to be a planet.
i think he's just a bit overshadowed.
his brothers are practically titans,
but those two don't care for him.
(jupiter is too busy with all his moons,
neptune is occupied with his tornados.)
and gaia's basically coughing her way to death,
while mercury's tempature is split
mars is being tread upon, which is funny for a god of war.
(the idea that all these planets are godly makes me feel so small.)

a study on symbols
if i am so reliant on symbols, whem am i ever using an _nderscore during conversation?
(for that matter, what about [square brackets] or |these lines|?)
i mean, don't get me wrong i love percent%ges and d÷vsion, but am i ever going to use them?
and furthermore, what about backs\ashes or {curly brackets}? they don't get used like co:ons or "quotation marks"
(on quotation marks, please don't use them for emphasis.)
and i know i'm always using (parantheses) and &mpersands
but have you ever needed the ~squiggly line~ or backt`cks?
they're pretty, but i've never needed them.
(sure, aster*sks and <greater and less than> prove important in some scenarios, but when will i ever need 《caret brackets》?)

untitled
tw: bad self-image

Spoiler

words hidden behind secret meanings,
tears behind false senses of joy.
self-love proves hard when you're walking on glass shards--
walking away from past lives into embraces of daggers.
why wasn't i told the price of being the idea of everyone's joy?
(it cost me my happiness, and it cost me my sanity.)

i should've known that i'd never be fufilled.
~~(imvileimvileimvileimfineimfineimvileimvile)~~
i hate everything about me i hate it i hate it i hate it
(mirrors look like enemies, i want to be an enigma.)
if ursula took ariel's voice for legs, i'd gladly give up mine just so i dom't have to hear it anymore.
(everything is wrong about me. i want to be happy, but what cost does that come with this time?)

organized by alphabets
airless lungs filled now with tragedy,
built solely from melancholia & mourning dew,
can i cry? (prometheus was gifted with foresight, but he too couldn't forsee his fate.)
doubts fill hearts & minds, breaking apart love.
(even though i fight these shackles,
fury subsides when there's no fuel.)
gray areas filled with nothing but tears,
home is where my feeling is,
it's not where my heart is.
(jury says that i'm a beast who needs to be contained.)
lost among my own delusions,
my mind might stray.
no, please don't save me. i don't want to return.
(open my mind, you'll find the remains of mercy.)
please, break these bars and let me out.
question only the authority, not the corruption.
(realize that i am only what you make of me.)
someone has stolen my humanity, but i'm not bothered.
that was necessary. at least, i've been told it was.
(understand that i'm not perfect.
virtue is a long-forgotten concept.)
when losing my humanity, i found myself.
(x-amine me like i'm some sort of specimen,
you won't find any heart.)
zeal made from a tired mind is only temporary.

~june twenty-second~

color theories
among this sort of aquamarine petrichor i've grown fond of,
my subtle orange tears faded into grays and whites
(for once after my childhood, i knew what purity was.)
amidst the blazing copper-hued sun and soft cream-colored moon,
i felt my home come back to me, but only the charcoal blacks and ash grays
and my mind wanted to shriek, yet nothing came out of my mouth.
there was only silence that graced my canvas.
and it wasn't a silence painted in transparent light blues
nor was it a kind of quiet dyed swan white in the leave of winter
but instead, a devoid of color kind of silence
the one where you want to paint it in but there's no color that can fill it
not even the brightest sun-kissed yellow, nor the most vibrant magenta.
a void of emotionless color- the kind of color my words were painted with when i lost my empathy

i'll show you heaven if you be an angel
trust me when i say i've been across the afterlife
the smoke only billows in the hottest parts of heaven,
he has a halo of the highest grade, trust me.
(i'm sure he's like a fine wine.
with time, he'll be better. right?)

eventually, i too shall rot.
every seedling knows one day it will return to the soil
as beautiful as it life was, it's death was too
and in a burst of heavenly petals, it felt like breathing

my mother says to only pick the beautiful flowers
she says that the earth only has one heart.
i think she's wrong. if it only has one heart,
then i only have a finite amount of emptiness

at one point my father said that we were all like the waves
we all eventually disperese back into the ocean

but if i am going to rot like the flowers, i want to do it slowly
because i don't want to be lost to time.

taking what i could
embrace what you
can in the moment
because as quickly
as it was there it is
gone twice as fast
(like wisps of coarse
laughter that radiated
from your throat.
i miss you.)

~june twenty-third~

In DocumentatIon, all studiEs conDucTed On variOus topics by h. a. louir

a study on apatHy affEcting the human mInd, and how Some can be happier
a study oN colOrs; specifically ammoniTe fossil and JUzcar blueS Together
a study Regarding Umber-coLored petrichor and petrIfied wood, and how inaNimate objects Grow
a study Including the uSage of Hairspray On UmbrelLas unDer hailstorms
untitleD project on the developmental cycles of tardIgradEs
multiple studies with researcher l. m. sant on laughter and entertainment
Another study regarding umber-coLored petrichOr, however now contaiNing sombEr fireflies
undescrIbed study with multiple students on wildlife in moderately urban Cities aRound new York and toronto
a study on Each Variety of Early-stage Red mYcelium and other NIGHT-blooming molds and organisms and such
a study oN Optimistic and unrealistic dreamers and their unfOuNded drEams from starlight and comets
HumblE study on Algae and seawateR with mineralS
most recent study About NightmAres in YelloW-hued sunsets and dreAms in purple-soaked starrY skies

~june twenty-fourth~
and i wondered if the universe knew us.
"in every universe, do you think we'll be lovers?"
you ask, staring into the vast speckled night sky

i pause, and utter one of the three responses.

yes.

maybe.

no.

you laughed./kept looking up./stared at me.

"and i'm glad/sure/sorry it had to be this way."
i said, laughing with you./holding your hand./wiping the tears from your face.

~june twenty-fifth~

not enough, at least not for an insatiable beast (me)
i water down my own accomplishments with liquid hate
i'm not good enough, i'm not pretty enough, i'm not expirienced enough
i can't be a hero because i'm the monster.
i am the horrendous beast made by envy for other people's talent,
because they're better. because they're everything i'm not.
i'm not smart enough, i'm not kind enough, i'm not working enough.
i am the worst aspects of being human. i am the famine.
i am the greed, the hate, the ugly, the vile, and the death.
i am the inevitability of our world and society collapsing in on us.
i'm not enough, i won't be enough, i'm never enough.
if i was born the same as everyone else, why am i faltering?
am i the only person who doesn't know what it means to have it together?
i am struggling. i am struggling to breathe because it's hard to.
it's hard to breathe when everyone is already better than me.
i am the worst me in the multiverse, and i know it.
i'm not good enough. i'm not pretty enough. i'll never be enough.

~june twenty-sixth~

~june twenty-seventh~
still the beast roars
it's all hopeless in the end.
if we live in the dark- our light fades.
and a shadow is being cast across the land.
you see, it wasn't always like this.
i (we) had boundless energy,
until tendrils (made of lies) grabbed me
and showed me the truth.
i am my own monster.
i am everything i hate.

~june twenty-eighth~
unspoken wishes only bring sorrow
i am still a monster made of insatiable envy.
and yet, i feel that somehow i'l be vanquished.
still, i feel that i need to do something meaningful for once in my life.

i don't want to die. not like this.

pushing down my regrets into my heart--
my longings stay unspoken.

i wish i could forget. just for once.

i am still everything wrong with myself.
i am my own hatred. i am my own wrath;
my own tears, my own rage, my own loathing.

i want to be something. something beautiful.

something tells me deep inside that i-
i should've said something.

~june twenty-ninth~
nothing like you
you say that i'm beautiful,
that i'm not a beast, but a hidden beauty.
yet i think you don't know what i mean.
i am the beast. i am the caged animal.
(nothinglikeyounothinglikeishouldbe)
i am the terrible oncoming of my fate.
i am the scratched record of saying the same things over and over.
(you're beautiful. you're amazing.
i could never be like you.
i want to be like you.
how do i become you?)

~june thirtieth~
haiku
the ginko leaf falls
its tree yearns for its return;
roots laid in the earth

[soon, i will submit myself to the stars]

Quote

&÷=;'@ &[=[@"[]÷ (herb's horoscope)

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