Snow

Basically i have written this piece of prose and i am aware the syntax is wrong in some places and it gets a little heavy with the description and lists of three but i would just really like some advice please

thanks in advance. any commenst will be helpful.
(P.S the title doesn't really matter but if anyone has any suggestions could they please say so)

Snow

Cold, warm. Loud, quiet. Dull, bright. Two naturally selected endeavours thrown together into a world of evil, injustice, sickness, darkness but all in a heart beat, good, justice, health and light. Why would anybody throw together such a display of natural brilliance dominating the world that we as human beings live in? Struggling as days go by. As we human beings, fight desperately at the power of these very different phenomenons. These are the questions I pose this night.

It was 25th of April 2010 when I heard the news. Nine dead. None survived. The figure hit me. Weakened me. Destroyed me. All of those people waking up to their only certainty. Death. What was anybody to do, there was no hope for them but I didn’t pity them. Nobody could have saved them, but me. I could have saved all but six. There was nothing I could do. I felt cold, dull but on one level I wanted to scream out to the highest rooftops of the heavens what I had done. She was there also. Michelle. My heart. My world. My dreams. All of those came crashing down the day it happened. My heart. My world. My dreams. All came crashing down. Smashing upon the bodies of those I could have saved on that day.

It was a clear as the stars in the night sky. I remember what happened. The wind whistled through every fibre of our bodies, chilling our hearts. Freezing our souls. The snow, pure and white. Forming a deadly untouched canvas across the land. Reaching every crevasse in every building, and every car, and every brick of every house. Snow, tiny multidimensional crystals floating, drifting, being carried along, by an unstoppable force. All that we could see was the blanket of pure untouched snow, covering the land, blocking the view for miles upon miles.

Michelle grew ever closer to me wrapping her arms tightly around me sharing, savouring the little warmth we had left between our bodies. I grasped her in the same way I knew what she was thinking I could always tell what she was thinking. She was picturing happy times, when the land was free of snow and terrifying wind. Imagining us with our first child, all there, in our house sitting together around the fire.

I loved her in a way that no other man could match. I do not know what threw us together in this world of evil, injustice, sickness, and darkness. It makes you think why anyone would throw two people like us, into each others lives. Bringing her ever closer to the only thing she could be certain of. Death. It would be I that brought her ever closer to her maker. She would bother me no more. As I said earlier, I love her, but taking you back I said in a way no other man could. I love her. To death. It was this that drove me on, she was mine and no one else’s. Nobody else could have her. She was mine. A trip would do, all of her family; her, the 4 sisters, the mother, father, and the 3 cousins. All of them needed to be together I loved them all very much, nobody else could have them. Nobody.

As we stood there, bodies entwined. The car headlights filtered by the vigorous thrashing of snow upon the world, shone into our window. It was time to go. They parked the car against our window, and stared at us. I immediately released Michelle from my grasp and headed for the front door. I strode past the hearth, past the dining table; so illustriously set out for a dinner party of eleven. No-body would be dining here tonight. I called Michelle and she followed, she always followed. She called herself independent. Ha! She followed like a sheep to a flock. Across the hearth past the dining table and joined me by the oak door. Behind the oak door lurked the barbaric blizzard that instantaneously froze, destroyed anything that came into contact with it. Draining all life painfully away from the being it held fast, close, until releasing the being from its grip. When we reached the car the windows had already began to fall to the bitter coldness. The air was bitter and sharp inside the car. Every time I inhaled daggers of icy darkness invisible, silent, and deadly plummeted down into my throat slicing at my vocal chords, silencing my voice, until I exhaled. A cloud of vapour exploded from my mouth as cold and heat collided. We set off. Slowly but surely we set off.

The snow threw itself against the car, it wanted to stop me, stop me from doing my job, my assignment, my duty. None of this would stop me. I threw myself back at the snow fighting against all odds. To reach my destination. The cold soon vanished as Michelle warm, quiet, and bright sat to my left transferring her heat to me. I pitied her at this point, she thought of good times ahead of us. Rolling around in the snow together. No! It would never happen. The car started to fail under the immense application of the cold, the engine started to cut out. It wouldn’t cut out, it daren’t cut out. Not now. The engine eventually after almost two miles of dying. Cut out. I cursed heavily under my breath. It didn’t matter though. I looked out of the window and against the blackening sky or sunset I saw it the lodge. We were here. The deed would be done.

We collected everyone’s bags from the car, still being battered by the snow. The bags weight almost buckled me my strength was decreasing from the lack of sleep and weather. I must sleep immediately when we got inside, for tonight it would be done. I clutched the bags and swayed up the path leading to the oak cabin. The bitter wind chilled my soul but I strode on. We reached the door. I opened it and was the first to walk in. It was a shelter from nature. There in the centre of the room was the fire, tall and prominent, governing the room in front of me. Three dingy settees surrounded the fire. I sat down. Exhausted from the load and the snow. I wished the family a good night and headed off towards the stairs. Michelle followed and whispered words I will cringe every time I here. “I love you” This was the time I felt my weakest, my duty faltered and I felt, I felt sorry for her. I loved her. I carried on up the staircase and into one of the rooms. The smell of must hit me. It aerated around the room and into my nostrils. I spluttered. The bed as old and moth bitten as it was, seemed like heaven. I collapsed on the bed and fell into a deep slumber.

I do now know how many hours I lay there asleep preserving energy, working out a strategy. But I knew it was time. Night was firmly inlayed and Michelle lay beside me. Breathing gently, softly, quietly on my skin. I slowly got up, o so quietly I had to get up. In fear of being caught, being found out, being stopped. I left the room and headed for the kitchen. The staircase didn’t creak this time. The embers left in the hearth were dancing but slowly the cold crept up on them and choked the life from them. I strode away from the hearth and towards the Kitchen. The cold hit me when I opened the door. Reminiscences of there last meal were there. The plates stacked o so neatly beside the sink. I ripped a carving knife from the wall, and walked. I walked back across the hearth the embers were now dead. I crept up the stairs and into the furthest room of the corridor. I opened the door to let a beam of light sweep across the room falling upon my victim. Very quietly I opened the door and went inside. Knife glinting majestically in the ray of light seeping in from the curtains. I drew the knife high above my head and plunged it straight into the mothers’ neck. The father began to wake so I quickly did the same to him. The artery in his neck was cut; blood sprayed all over the bed dying the bed sheets a dark red. I left as quietly as I had entered. Who was next? The sisters. I entered once again o so quietly and raised the knife. Blood flowed once more and I was pleased they were dead. Motionless they lay all four spread eagled in their sleep drenched in their own blood. The cousins would be next. I cautiously crept around the corner to find that the door was already open. It was shut previously. Had they woke and gone down stairs, but at that moment my question was answered. Blood. I entered there they were the three cousins all dead. I do not know what had happened. Someone else had gotten there before me but who? If I was clever as I had been setting up this plan it would have been an easy answer. I entered the last room. Michelle, my love and my world. She would never be anyone else’s. After tonight. I opened the door in just the same way as the others, and entered. Michelle had gone.

There upon the musty bed sheets, was no blood, no body, no Michelle. I entered, confused and bewildered. What had happened? Where was she? My questions were soon to be answered. I turned rapidly while the questions flew through my head, and my stomach met cold metal. She was there in front of me. Grinning she plunged the knife even harder into my stomach piercing my liver. How could this have happened? I was so clever in the concocting of my plan. She was there still leering over me when she spoke again. “I love you … to death” with this she dislodged the knife and I fell backwards onto the bed where she lay only a few minutes before. I remember. She phoned for an ambulance and the police, left no name. She had tricked me all this time, she had played me lead me here for this moment. That is all I can remember.

I was sentenced for the murder of 9 people the mother, father, four cousins and sisters. It was unfair. She had tricked me. Deceived me. Played me. I sat their in my cell. The weather outside now changed. It was warm, quiet and bright, the sun shining with a unique brilliance across the land. I would never be able to view it though. Locked up day in day out. Remaining cold, dull and to sit here only hearing my own voice reverberate around the tiny cell louder than ever, and only to know that the only reply I would receive would be from me. I had found the answer to my questions but what use are they now I am only human.

I'm not going to edit your grammar, okay? I'll just edit the general piece

[s]Cold, warm. Loud, quiet. Dull, bright. Two naturally selected endeavours thrown together into a world of evil, injustice, sickness, darkness but all in a heart beat, good, justice, health and light. Why would anybody throw together such a display of natural brilliance dominating the world that we as human beings live in? Struggling as days go by. As we human beings, fight desperately at the power of these very different phenomenons. These are the questions I pose this night.[/s] This paragraph is long, and abstract, and though it tries to tell us something about the story, it doesn't. So I struck it out. Are you trying to pull us in with this? Trying to get us interested? It doesn't really work.

It was 25th of April 2010 when I heard the news.[s] Nine dead. None survived. The figure hit me. Weakened me. Destroyed me.[/s] A better way to say this would be, "Out of the nine, none survived. I was weakened by the thought that all those people had woken up knowing they would die. [s]All of those people waking up to their only certainty. Death. What was anybody to do, there was no hope for them but I didn’t pity them. Nobody could have saved them, but me. I could have saved all but six. There was nothing I could do. I felt cold, dull but on one level I wanted to scream out to the highest rooftops of the heavens what I had done. She was there also. Michelle. My heart. My world. My dreams. All of those came crashing down the day it happened. My heart. My world. My dreams. All came crashing down. Smashing upon the bodies of those I could have saved on that day.[/s] This doesn't make much sense, you are being rambly. Just tell us exactly what is going on, instead off jumping around the bush to try and seem mysterious. I'm sure you could sum this whole part up into like....four sentence.

It was a clear as the stars in the night sky. I remember what happened. The wind whistled through every fibre of our bodies, chilling our hearts. Freezing our souls. The snow, pure and white, Formed a deadly and untouched canvas across the land. [I cleaned this sentence up] Reaching every crevasse in every building, and every car, and every brick of every house. Snow, tiny multidimensional crystals floating, drifting, being carried along, by an unstoppable force. All that we could see was the blanket of pure untouched snow, covering the land, blocking the view for miles upon miles.

Michelle grew ever closer to me wrapping her arms tightly around me sharing, savouring the little warmth we had left between our bodies. I grasped her in the same way I knew what she was thinking I could always tell what she was thinking. [This is an example of why you should read over your work a few times for yourself. I think you have two sentence there, I'm not even sure....] She was picturing happy times, when the land was free of snow and terrifying wind. Imagining us with our first child, all there, in our house sitting together around the fire.

I loved her in a way that no other man could match. I do not know what threw us together in this world of evil, injustice, sickness, and darkness. It makes you think why anyone would throw two people like us, into each others lives. Bringing her ever closer to the only thing she could be certain of. Death. It would be I that brought her ever closer to her maker. She would bother me no more. As I said earlier, I love her, but taking you back I said in a way no other man could. I love her. To death. It was this that drove me on, she was mine and no one else’s. Nobody else could have her. She was mine. A trip would do, all of her family; her, the 4 sisters, the mother, father, and the 3 cousins. All of them needed to be together I loved them all very much, nobody else could have them. Nobody.

As we stood there, bodies entwined. [you have major fragment action going on here.] The car headlights filtered by the vigorous thrashing of snow upon the world, shone into our window. It was time to go. They parked the car against our window, and stared at us. I immediately released Michelle from my grasp and headed for the front door. I strode past the hearth, past the dining table; so illustriously set out for a dinner party of eleven. No-body would be dining here tonight. I called Michelle and she followed, she always followed. She called herself independent. Ha! She followed like a sheep to a flock. Across the hearth past the dining table and joined me by the oak door. Behind the oak door lurked the barbaric blizzard that instantaneously froze, destroyed anything that came into contact with it. Draining all life painfully away from the being it held fast, close, until releasing the being from its grip. When we reached the car the windows had already began to fall to the bitter coldness. The air was bitter and sharp inside the car. Every time I inhaled daggers of icy darkness invisible, silent, and deadly plummeted down into my throat slicing at my vocal chords, silencing my voice, until I exhaled. A cloud of vapour exploded from my mouth as cold and heat collided. We set off. Slowly but surely we set off.

The snow threw itself against the car, it wanted to stop me, stop me from doing my job, my assignment, my duty. None of this would stop me. I threw myself back at the snow fighting against all odds. To reach my destination. [again, major fragment action! You need to get rid of the period before it, it is still apart of the sentence before it.] The cold soon vanished as Michelle warm, quiet, and bright sat to my left transferring her heat to me. I pitied her at this point, she thought of good times ahead of us. Rolling around in the snow together. No! It would never happen. The car started to fail under the immense application of the cold, the engine started to cut out. It wouldn’t cut out, it daren’t [Daren't isn't a word, you know? It's "dare not" ] cut out. Not now. The engine eventually after almost two miles of dying. Cut out. I cursed heavily under my breath. It didn’t matter though. I looked out of the window and against the blackening sky or sunset I saw it the lodge. We were here. The deed would be done.

CRITIQUE!

I kind of skipped some of the end, but I get the general idea of what you are writing so...

You certainly do need to work on your grammar. You have lots of fragments, lots of places where you need commas, lots of mess ups. This makes it really hard to read.

You have a lot of things to work on. You were very wordy, and long and boring. I'm not sure what you were going for? The story was about a guy killing his girlfriend's family and her? (or about that, as I said, I didn't finish) but its very drawn out and....could have a lot cut out.

And your characters! You don't even have other characters, all you have is a main character, and even there you are very lacking. We don't get much explanation to why he is doing anything.

You do a lot, a lot, of telling. Show us the story. Let us be pulled in by it. Let us feel the cold burning are skin just as it is your narrators.

I don't really have much else to say... I have a suggestion though, this book helped me a lot when I was first beginning to write. Writing Fiction. It was sooo helpful, I still go back and look at it today.


I also just remembered an article I wrote about info dumps (sort of) you might want to take a look at it. Unneeded Information

I hope some of this helped! If you have any questions, or want to know more about something I mentioned, go right ahead and PM me.

ill go through each paragraph, highlight the bits i think needs work and have a look after the paragraph is finished

Cold, warm. Loud, quiet. Dull, bright. Two naturally selected endeavours thrown together into a world of evil, injustice, sickness, darkness but all in a heart beat, good, justice, health and light. Why would anybody throw together such a display of natural brilliance dominating the world that we, as human beings live in? Struggling as days go by. As we human beings, fight desperately at the power of these very different phenomenons. These are the questions I pose this night.

first line is not good. its too much. stick with less of a list. and consider Fragments. id prefer to see:

"Cold. Warm. Dull. Bright. Two naturally...."

again, with the second highlight, there were too many lists. you seem to list too many at a time, as well as using them too often.

"thrown together in a world of evil and injustice, but in a heartbeat health and light"

although i fail to see the use of this sentance.

the last highlight i will change completely to make it flow better, its a simple problem with it not reading correctly. also, the plural of phenomenon is phenomena

"Struggling as days go by, we human beings fight desperately against the power of these different phenomena"

It was 25th of April 2010 when I heard the news. Nine dead. None survived. The figure hit me. Weakened me. Destroyed me. All of those people waking up to their only certainty. Death. What was anybody to do, there was no hope for them but I didn't pity them. Nobody could have saved them, but me. I could have saved all but six. There was nothing I could do. I felt cold, dull but on one level I wanted to scream out to the highest rooftops of the heavens what I had done. She was there also. Michelle. My heart. My world. My dreams. All of those came crashing down the day it happened. My heart. My world. My dreams. All came crashing down. Smashing upon the bodies of those I could have saved on that day.

another list. i'd stick with "The figure destroyed me" the list doesn't work, and takes away the flow from a possibly powerful line.

the next one doesn't make sense. if you want to scream to the highest rooftops, then you're in two minds. agony or happiness. the punctuation and connectives determine how you are feeling.

Agony: "i felt cold and dull, wanting to scream out to the highest rooftops of the heavens at what i had done.

Happiness: "I felt cold and dull. but I wanted to scream out to the highest rooftops of the heavens at what i had done" - the but changes the whole meaning. use whichever you meant.

the last one was too much repetition. it was great, until you said it again. just use one and its fine.

It was a clear as the stars in the night sky. I remember what happened. The wind whistled through every fibre of our bodies, chilling our hearts. Freezing our souls. The snow, pure and white. Forming a deadly untouched canvas across the land. Reaching every crevasse in every building, and every car, and every brick of every house. Snow, tiny multidimensional crystals floating, drifting, being carried along, by an unstoppable force. All that we could see was the blanket of pure untouched snow, covering the land, blocking the view for miles upon miles.

this seems fine in its entirety, with only little niggles. once again, watch for lists, you use one here thats not necessary. and careful of using the same word too often. what stood out for me was the word land. you use it twice, in a short paragraph. try to use another word.

Michelle grew ever closer to me wrapping her arms tightly around me sharing, savouring the little warmth we had left between our bodies. I grasped her in the same way I knew what she was thinking I could always tell what she was thinking. She was picturing happy times, when the land was free of snow and terrifying wind. Imagining us with our first child, all there, in our house sitting together around the fire.

check punctuation, but this is ok. the main line thats bad is the second sentance.
"I grasped her in the same way. I knew what she was thinking, I could always tell what she was thinking"
although even that seems very off. i'd actually remove the whole thing after the comma. and finish at the first thinking. again, you're repeating words.

I loved her in a way that no other man could match. I do not know what threw us together in this world of evil, injustice, sickness, and darkness. It makes you think why anyone would throw two people like us, into each others lives. Bringing her ever closer to the only thing she could be certain of. Death. It would be I that brought her ever closer to her maker. She would bother me no more. As I said earlier, I love her, but taking you back I said in a way no other man could. I love her. To death. It was this that drove me on, she was mine and no one else’s. Nobody else could have her. She was mine. A trip would do, all of her family; her, the 4 sisters, the mother, father, and the 3 cousins. All of them needed to be together I loved them all very much, nobody else could have them. Nobody.

good insight into the mind of the person. remove certain things. again, the list takes away from it. remove the highlighted bits, i didnt like being adressed, its not a piece that should try to talk to the reader

As we stood there, bodies entwined. The car headlights filtered by the vigorous thrashing of snow upon the world, shone into our window. It was time to go. They parked the car against our window, and stared at us. I immediately released Michelle from my grasp and headed for the front door. I strode past the hearth, past the dining table; so illustriously set out for a dinner party of eleven. No-body would be dining here tonight. I called Michelle and she followed, she always followed. She called herself independent. Ha! She followed like a sheep to a flock. Across the hearth past the dining table and joined me by the oak door. Behind the oak door lurked the barbaric blizzard that instantaneously froze, destroyed anything that came into contact with it. Draining all life painfully away from the being it held fast, close, until releasing the being from its grip. When we reached the car the windows had already began to fall to the bitter coldness. The air was bitter and sharp inside the car. Every time I inhaled daggers of icy darkness invisible, silent, and deadly plummeted down into my throat slicing at my vocal chords, silencing my voice, until I exhaled. A cloud of vapour exploded from my mouth as cold and heat collided. We set off. Slowly but surely we set off.

change the first highlighted bit to "beside the window" against suggests the car is rubbing against the glass, and our is used before.

remove the "HA!" its not useful in the slightest.

the last one needs punctuation

"Every time I inhaled, daggers of icy darkness, silent, and deadly, plummeted down my throat, slicing at my vocal chords and silencing my voice until I exhaled"

The snow threw itself against the car, it wanted to stop me, stop me from doing my job, my assignment, my duty. None of this would stop me. I threw myself back at the snow fighting against all odds. To reach my destination. The cold soon vanished as Michelle warm, quiet, and bright sat to my left transferring her heat to me. I pitied her at this point, she thought of good times ahead of us. Rolling around in the snow together. No! It would never happen. The car started to fail under the immense application of the cold, the engine started to cut out. It wouldn’t cut out, it daren’t cut out. Not now. The engine eventually after almost two miles of dying. Cut out. I cursed heavily under my breath. It didn’t matter though. I looked out of the window and against the blackening sky or sunset I saw it the lodge. We were here. The deed would be done.

this is alright i think. get rid of the list in the first sentance, and stop repeating "stop me" and it's fine

We collected everyone's bags from the car, still being battered by the snow. The bags weight almost buckled me my strength was decreasing from the lack of sleep and weather. I must sleep immediately when we got inside, for tonight it would be done. I clutched the bags and swayed up the path leading to the oak cabin. The bitter wind chilled my soul but I strode on. We reached the door. I opened it and was the first to walk in. It was a shelter from nature. There in the centre of the room was the fire, tall and prominent, governing the room in front of me. Three dingy settees surrounded the fire. I sat down. Exhausted from the load and the snow. I wished the family a good night and headed off towards the stairs. Michelle followed and whispered words I will cringe every time I here. "I love you" This was the time I felt my weakest, my duty faltered and I felt, I felt sorry for her. I loved her. I carried on up the staircase and into one of the rooms. The smell of must hit me. It aerated around the room and into my nostrils. I spluttered. The bed as old and moth bitten as it was, seemed like heaven. I collapsed on the bed and fell into a deep slumber.

you have a lot of things here that aren't necessary. to describe exactly what was done. it wouldn't be bad if the whole thing was describing a very very short event, but this isn't, its slightly longer. you also contradict yourself with "i sat down..." then one line later "i wished the family good night and headed for the stairs". theres no point sitting down. don't repeat "I felt" its more emotion to have it shorter and just keep it as "i felt sorry for her". then end to the paragraph was good.

I do now know how many hours I lay there asleep preserving energy, working out a strategy. But I knew it was time. Night was firmly inlayed and Michelle lay beside me. Breathing gently, softly, quietly on my skin. I slowly got up, o so quietly I had to get up. In fear of being caught, being found out, being stopped. I left the room and headed for the kitchen. The staircase didn’t creak this time. The embers left in the hearth were dancing but slowly the cold crept up on them and choked the life from them. I strode away from the hearth and towards the Kitchen. The cold hit me when I opened the door. Reminiscences of there last meal were there. The plates stacked o so neatly beside the sink. I ripped a carving knife from the wall, and walked. I walked back across the hearth the embers were now dead. I crept up the stairs and into the furthest room of the corridor. I opened the door to let a beam of light sweep across the room falling upon my victim. Very quietly I opened the door and went inside. Knife glinting majestically in the ray of light seeping in from the curtains. I drew the knife high above my head and plunged it straight into the mothers’ neck. The father began to wake so I quickly did the same to him. The artery in his neck was cut; blood sprayed all over the bed dying the bed sheets a dark red. I left as quietly as I had entered. Who was next? The sisters. I entered once again o so quietly and raised the knife. Blood flowed once more and I was pleased they were dead. Motionless they lay all four spread eagled in their sleep drenched in their own blood. The cousins would be next. I cautiously crept around the corner to find that the door was already open. It was shut previously. Had they woke and gone down stairs, but at that moment my question was answered. Blood. I entered there they were the three cousins all dead. I do not know what had happened. Someone else had gotten there before me but who? If I was clever as I had been setting up this plan it would have been an easy answer. I entered the last room. Michelle, my love and my world. She would never be anyone else’s. After tonight. I opened the door in just the same way as the others, and entered. Michelle had gone.

you tell the murders, and they're all the same. to be honest, i think this doesn't work because you have too many murders, but thats all part of the plot. check punctuation, there is a lot of mistakes, and "reminisences" is not the word you want "remnants" is

There upon the musty bed sheets, was no blood, no body, no Michelle. I entered, confused and bewildered. What had happened? Where was she? My questions were soon to be answered. I turned rapidly while the questions flew through my head, and my stomach met cold metal. She was there in front of me. Grinning she plunged the knife even harder into my stomach piercing my liver. How could this have happened? I was so clever in the concocting of my plan. She was there still leering over me when she spoke again. “I love you … to death” with this she dislodged the knife and I fell backwards onto the bed where she lay only a few minutes before. I remember. She phoned for an ambulance and the police, left no name. She had tricked me all this time, she had played me lead me here for this moment. That is all I can remember.

this is good. again, check punctuation and grammar. its the same sort of mistakes. lists that don't mean anything at all, terrible grammatical errors, and lack of punctuation or incorrect use of

personally, i wouldn't even use the last paragraph. to be honest, Claudette had the right idea in using little to none of the first two paragraphs. id rather see the story than "a bloke telling a story"

go through it with a fine tooth comb and look specifically for spelling errors. there aren't many of this, but there are some. you seem to make up words
then go through again, looking specifically for where things don't flow with punctuation. i corrected the main mistakes, but theres some i missed out.
then grammar, do the same again, and look for where it just doesn't sound right. read it aloud if you have to.

Thank you both for your most useful insights as i have sed i know the grammar is shoddy, but thank you both, for your comments i will be posting a redraft shortly.