Chionophobia #12 /P

Removed.

This was really good! I like all of it.

“Is that—is that music?” She got up and walked into the living room. She turned to face Kyle and smiled. “And it is my favorite music, too.” She leaned across the dining table, pushing Kyle’s food to the side. “How about we skip dinner, and go straight to dessert?” she whispered, a smile playing at her lips.

The bold type sounds a little awkward because she walked into the living room AND leaned across the dining table?

Other wise I really loved this. You changed the name of Callie to Ariel right? I like that name better as well. Great Job!

“Again? I wouldn’t want to do it all wrong and have to put them back on again, professor”

missed the comma on the end.

I loved the bit with the prostitute, all of it. Lovely work of yours, you and sex go together XD

I didn't get the name change from Callie, to Ariel, perhaps you could explain the reason behind this to me a little better some time? Oh, and are we ever going to find out what happened to Callie/Ariel?

*sigh*

Brad... I keep getting the feeling that this has happened before. Like, every "episode" is the same. Jonathon and Kyle fight, Jonathon gets all pissy/emo, Kyle ends up with some chick, and nothing is ever solved. Why should I keep reading? (I will - I'm asking it from a reader's point of view. Why should the reader really CARE?)

Hi, Crysi -


Indeed, the story follows an episodic pattern of conflict until 11. From 12 to about 25, though, the conflict begins tapering away from Jonathon/Kyle to Jonathon/Sarah, Kyle/Sarah, and other relationships, with 12 really marking the end of them. From 25 onward, Ch. becomes far more plot-oriented, and all this minutia of argument and details takes on a far greater and more important role.

Good points, all around!


Best,
Brad