Tharins

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the Immortal War : Tharins


Chapter one


The town was rather empty; the light was fading after a fresh, spring day. The street lamps were beginning to ignite, one by one they would come on, burning orange. The temperature was falling already, a little bit bitter than before. Most people had gone home because it was pointless to shop when all the shops were closed. Only, there were a few people rushing around to get home. One person in particular, walking at a fast pace, was heading towards the main square.

Elena Borquen kept her eyes angled to the ground. Her hands were thrust in the pockets of her black jacket, not knowing what to do with them. She thought that folding her arms was a sign of insecurity. Hands in pockets, however, gave nothing away. Her hair fell down her face, a deep brown colour. She dyed it last week, feeling fed up with her dull fair colour. A bird from one of the buildings lifted up suddenly, causing all the other birds to lift up in fright. Elena’s eyes snapped up, watching them cautiously. She didn’t fancy getting covered in bird-poo, so she waited for them to pass over head.

When she started walking again, her pace quickened. She looked at her watch, checking if she was on time. Her eyes marked out her path, not far now, she thought. Her heart beat quickened at the thought of meeting with him. She was excited, as always, to hear from the boss. She pulled her phone from her pocket, looking at the screen in case she had a text message. She thrust it back when she saw that no one was talking. She suddenly veered left, turning down an alleyway.

It was one of those alleyways that had always been there but no one thought much about it. Everyone accepted it, not thinking twice about it. That was why it way perfect for two secret people to discuss, well, secrets. Elena walked as far down the alleyway as possible until what light there was from the streetlamps had faded, leaving only the dullest of lights. She turned right, towards the dead end. The scent of urine and rubbish thudded into her, making her nose wrinkle. This place must be perfect for foxes, hence the smell.

But the figure at the end was not a fox; he was a tall, middle-aged man with jet-black hair. He wore a long trench coat and his back was leaning against the wall. In his right hand was a cigarette, burning away. When Elena reached him, she paused, staring at the cigarette.

“I didn’t know you smoke.” She said to the man as he raised the fag to his lips. He looked at her with brown eyes, giving her a calculating look.

“I don’t, I’m blending in with the surroundings.” He said, amusement edging his voice. Elena smiled, coming a little closer. The pungent smell of tobacco covered the gross smell of rubbish. An improvement at least, she thought, even if tobacco isn’t the nicest of smells.

“Fair enough, Valerian, I won’t tell anyone anyway in case you don’t want to tarnish your perfect reputation.” She said, smiling at his reaction. He frowned, throwing down the cigarette and stamping on it.

“No need, I think I’d rather eat a slug than smoke another one.” He said, and then looked at Elena carefully. “It’s a little dark here.” He said, after squinting at her for a moment or two. There was a click and the flame from Valerian’s lighter burned enough to show each other up.

“So, sir, what information do you have for me?” Elena said, returning to formal matters. Valerian reached inside his pocket with his free hand and pulled out a red envelope. Elena took it, surprised by the weight of it.

“Don’t open it yet, it has information for your next assignment.” Valerian said, noticing the flicker of surprise across Elena’s face. She gave him curt stare, then pocketed it.

“The Legion hasn’t given up on me then.” Elena said, her voice suddenly sounded full of emotion. “Even though I’ve proved that I’m unreliable so many times.” Valerian reached over and patted her shoulder, looking abashed.

“You aren’t unreliable. You’ve just been unlucky with the old harith problem. The Legion knows that you are talented and dependable.” He said, and then he frowned at her. “You aren’t blaming yourself are you?” He added, sternly. Elena met his gaze, and then looked down with a sigh.

“Not as much as I did the first time, when I lost my cousin.” She said, heavily. “That was the hardest because I knew Emily so well. But then, at least she didn’t die.”

“You tried, Elena, I know you did. But the Legion believes in you. Just look at the power you have, only sixteen and you are more powerful than most Legionnaires. The Legion understands that you don’t make stupid mistakes like some of us have done.” Valerian said, smiling at her to make her feel better.

“Well, it was a little stupid of Gareth to accept their offer then refuse it in front of them.” She said, and then shook her head. “Why are young potential so….foolish?”

“Some are still naïve, they don’t understand our world.” Valerian said, looking thoughtful. Elena nodded, folding her arms despite her resolve to not to.

“I hope this assignment is a good one, I feel like kicking some harith ass.” Elena said, and then smiled at the foolishness at her own words. Valerian nodded sincerely.

“Well, just as long as you do your job. I must say, after all these years of being in the Legion of Light, I have never kicked a Harith’s ass.” Valerian said, and then he looked at his watch. “I have to check on other Tharins tonight, not yet though. You remember Daniel?”

“Oh yes, wasn’t he the orphan?” Elena said, remembering the boy who she and Valerian found on one of her first assignments.

“I have a meeting with him soon; he’s definitely turned into clever Legionnaire. He’s training to become a Guardian.” Valerian said, smiling. Elena gasped; a Guardian was the term given to a Legionnaire whose job is to fight Hariths who threaten innocent lives. Elena knew that it was one of the most important jobs of the Legion.

“Wow, I always knew he’d try to make as much change as possible.” Elena said, and then her smile faded as she remembered something that she wanted to ask Valerian. “I heard about Will, I couldn’t believe it when I heard. Someone actually betrayed him and told the Samovac about Will being in the Legion?” She asked, the story chilling her each time. Valerian looked grave all of a sudden.

“It was indeed a thrilling case. The Potential he found was working for the Samovac before hand. Will had no idea; he told the Potential everything, from his name to his job in the Legion. It wasn’t long afterwards when he was attacked by Hariths. Luckily, he was powerful enough to deflect them all and he escaped to the Tharikoa.” Valerian said, then shook his head. “It just goes to show that no one knows who to trust.”

“It makes me wonder whether it could happen to me. But then,” she said, her eyes blazing. “They wouldn’t have a chance against me. I’m lucky to have such developed power or I would have been killed so many times.”

“Oh, I better go. Daniel will be waiting by now.” Valerian said, and then he blew out the lighter. There was hardly any light now but it was only a matter of time before both Elena and Valerian could see perfectly. He pulled her into a tight embrace, hugging her tightly. When he stepped away, he smiled at her warmly.

“You know Elena; you are probably the most special Tharin I have ever met. You have lost so much to the hands of the Samovac when doing your job and still, to stand here as bold as anyone just to see someone finally reach the Legion safely.” He said, his brown eyes suddenly gleamed bright white. Elena’s blues eyes ignited with the same white light in reply. It was how
Legionnaires honour each other, or acknowledge each other.

“Thanks sir, good luck with the others. Tell them from me that you are the greatest Legionnaire of them all, and the cheekiest.” She said, grinning at him. Valerian laughed, it was a loud bark of expressed mirth.

“Sure Elena, I’ll try to remember. Good luck with your new assignment.” He said back, his smiled broad and happy. Then, in a whoosh of his coat, he leapt straight up into the air and disappeared. Elena watched him, and then sighed, feeling her jacket pocket for the envelope. She pulled it out, staring at her name embossed in silver in the front. She turned it over, about to open it. Her fingers wavered over the seal, hesitating.

She suddenly thought about the contents of the envelope. They were heavy, probably containing more than a briefing. Elena wondered if it was another Tharin mission. The Legion seemed to prefer her protecting Potentials. Elena’s, job, as it always has been, was to keep an eye of the young magicians in her area. Young magicians were almost always Potentials though Elena was a contradiction to that as she was a sixteen year old legionnaire. A potential was the name given to a magician who hasn’t discovered their magic so their mind is disconnect to it. Sometimes, powerful potential can be in danger because they don’t have any control over their magic. That was why Elena’s job was important, because it was easy for Hariths to find the Potentials and bend them to their will.

She thrust the envelope back in her pocket. She would wait until later to realise what her new mission was. Elena had been in the Legion for six years and in all of those years she had been a magician fighting for good and against the other type of magicians who wanted nothing more than to rule over humans, the Hariths of Samovac. Elena was one of those many people in the world who knew that magic exists everywhere but only those descended from the Old Immortal race can control it.

All humans have magic of some sort, it’s the energy that inspired life and creates it. It’s that spark of energy that makes the first movement of a new born baby. Only, there aren’t as many people in the world who can control this energy and manipulate it than there are people who don’t understand magic. Magic is ever constant, there is no end. It’s like matter, you can’t destroy it. The Hariths in the Samovac want to use magic in order to rule over humans, they are greedy and only want more power. The Legionnaires of Light use magic only to fight the Hariths and their leader, Harithia.

The war began years ago, before anyone can remember. There has always been war, ever since the first magicians came to be. Legend says that the war began when the first people on Earth were born, the race called the Immortals. They fought one another and spilt into two groups. Then, humans were dragged into it, the descendants of the immortals, magicians, joined it and that was that. But, only two immortals remain from the great race due to the flaw that they could only be killed by magic.

They are Harithia, the ruler of the Samovac and Tharius, the leader of the Legion. Elena had met Tharius three times and each time meant so much to her. The first time was her initiations into the Legion, he was there and he told her one thing. He walked over to her and to Elena, all time stood still as she looking into his eyes. There was so much energy inside his eyes that her breath was held back. He told her that the Legion needed her to help end the war.

The other times were when Elena had been to Tharius’s home, the Tharikoa. It was the headquarters, so secret that no one knew the location. The only way of getting there is a spell from the people inside. Elena saw Tharius when she went to get a debriefing after one of her first missions. He told her that she should expect loss and she shouldn’t be so hard on herself. It was that alone that made her feel better. The last time was when the Legion promoted her.

As she looked back on these special times, she realised that she had to get back. She looked at her watch and was surprised to she that it was past eight o’clock. Calling up her magic, she pushed off the ground and leapt straight up into the air. Effortlessly, she soared over the roof and disappeared into the darkness. Such things as flying were considered normal by a magician, especially one like Elena.
Last edited by The Jesseble on Sat Dec 09, 2006 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Sorry about the indentless text...i don't know the html code for it :(
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Jeeseble--

You're just going to have to go in and put spaces between the paragraphs. That's the best way to make it easier to read.
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Heh! so simple..why didn't i think of that *slaps forehead*
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Thanks for spacing that. ;)

You started off well. The description wasn't superfluous. However...

One person in particular, walking at a fast pace, was heading towards the main square.


I'm not a huge fan of this type of directness. "One person in particular" brings us to the narrator too quickly and we are ripped from the overall picture rather abruptly.


Your dialogue structure is grammactically incorrect. Here is a link that can help you with that: http://mrbraiman.home.att.net/page13.html


She said to the man as he raised the fag to his lips.


I believe that is a British term, and it is used in the correct context. However, its alternate connotations makes it unusable in writing. I would suggest you drop it, or you may alienate or offend some readers, even though it is not meant to.


Another issue on your dialogue-- you don't need the word "said" after every single time someone speaks, especially if there are only two people. This really bogs down the reader and makes your dialogue harder to read.

Elena gasped; a Guardian was the term given to a Legionnaire whose job is to fight Hariths who threaten innocent lives. Elena knew that it was one of the most important jobs of the Legion.


Info dump and much too direct for the reader. I suggest explaining it somehow in your dialogue.

You also have a large and almost unbearable amount of info dump at the end. I highly suggest you cut that all and introduce the information a different way.

The flying power kind of made me laugh. It may be just me, but I think that anyone besides Superman who flies without aid, is just rather silly. (Don't even get me started on The Matrix :evil:)

I hope this helps you. Good luck on the revision.
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The town was rather empty; the light was fading after a fresh, spring day. The street lamps were beginning to ignite, one by one they would come on, burning orange. The temperature was falling already, a little bit bitter than before. Most people had gone home because it was pointless to shop when all the shops were closed. Only, there were a few people rushing around to get home. One person in particular, walking at a fast pace, was heading towards the main square.


This is a bit unclear. I had to read it a few times to catch it and that's not good ina first paragraph.

She didn’t fancy getting covered in bird-poo, so she waited for them to pass over head.


Bird-poo made me happy.

When she started walking again, her pace quickened. She looked at her watch, checking if she was on time. Her eyes marked out her path, not far now, she thought. Her heart beat quickened at the thought of meeting with him. She was excited, as always, to hear from the boss. She pulled her phone from her pocket, looking at the screen in case she had a text message. She thrust it back when she saw that no one was talking. She suddenly veered left, turning down an alleyway.


Minor things here. You need to italicize the red and that was probably just from transferring your story to YWS. And i don't think you need the beat. it flows better with out it.

It was one of those alleyways that had always been there but no one thought much about it. Everyone accepted it, not thinking twice about it. That was why it way perfect for two secret people to discuss, well, secrets. Elena walked as far down the alleyway as possible until what light there was from the streetlamps had faded, leaving only the dullest of lights. She turned right, towards the dead end. The scent of urine and rubbish thudded into her, making her nose wrinkle. This place must be perfect for foxes, hence the smell.


This is a good paragraph. You described the ally nicely giving a vivid mental image without letting the story drag.

He wore a long trench coat and his back was leaning against the wall.


What about the rest of him? (sorry i get a little technical sometimes)

“No need, I think I’d rather eat a slug than smoke another one.” He said, and then looked at Elena carefully. “It’s a little dark here.” He said, after squinting at her for a moment or two. There was a click and the flame from Valerian’s lighter burned enough to show each other up.


This whole papragraph was a bit awkward to me. You don't need he said the second time and the show each other up is very very awkward. I thikn something like: Valerian;s lighter gave enough light to show his and her faces. or something like that.








“Some are still naïve, they don’t understand our world.” Valerian said, looking thoughtful. Elena nodded, folding her arms despite her resolve to not to.


extra word

“I have a meeting with him soon; he’s definitely turned into clever Legionnaire. He’s training to become a Guardian.” Valerian said, smiling. Elena gasped; a Guardian was the term given to a Legionnaire whose job is to fight Hariths who threaten innocent lives. Elena knew that it was one of the most important jobs of the Legion.


Green is missing a word and red is an info dump.




A potential was the name given to a magician who hasn’t discovered their magic so their mind is disconnect to it. Sometimes, powerful potential can be in danger because they don’t have any control over their magic.


Orange is a tense change, red is a word that doesn't fit and green is missing a word.



Very interesting. I love the idea. The ending turned into a giant info dump. You might wnat to rethink that. Don't give too much away to start with. Pretty cool. very cool actually. I look foward to more.

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The town was rather empty; the light was fading after a fresh, spring day. The street lamps were beginning to ignite, one by one they would come on, burning orange. The temperature was falling already, a little bit bitter than before. Most people had gone home because it was pointless to shop when all the shops were closed. Only, there were a few people rushing around to get home. One person in particular, walking at a fast pace, was heading towards the main square.


I found this bit a little "and then...." and it was a little boring with little sentence variety.

A lot of your sentences seem to be "She did that" or "Her..." Starting sentences with personal pronouns is ok in moderation. Maybe you want to add a little sentence seasoning.

Language seems to be your downfall throughout the piece, as mentioned before, your dialogue is not in the correct format.

I structure dialogue like this:



Theta broadened his smile, "You old dog."


Or like this


"You old dog," Theta roared as he broadened his smile.


Imagery also seems a little thin on the ground, not too much is good. Maybe you could hint on character looks and surroundings here and there.

Overall, with a total grammar restructure, this fantasy could be an interesting story. I also agree that the ending needs work.[/quote]
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Hello ^_^.

‘The temperature was falling already, a little bit bitter than before.’

- I don’t like this line. Partly because I don’t like the way ‘bit bitter’ reads, and partly because it makes no sense to me. ‘a little more bitter’ would make more sense.


You over-use the word 'said'. A lot of the time, you don't need it. By using it after pretty much every piece of speech, it feels repetitive and dull. It basically damages the mood and flow that you have been building up. Just get rid of 'he said' altogether.

Also on the subject of dialogue - you have an action of description between every line of speech. This damages the flow of the dialogue. I’d personally say either get rid of, or else relocate this.

Here’s an example of dialogue with few ‘saids’ and few descriptions.

'I wanna play with my action figures,' Ted said.
'Yeah, well.' His sister put her hands on her hips. 'You shouldn't have broken the rules.'
'You're a meany!'
'And you're a little brat.'

You see how it flows? We can judge the character’s emotion from the speech alone.


You're inconsistent with your grammar of your created words. For example, sometimes you capitalise 'Harith', and other times you do not. You should pick how you're going to do it, and stick with it.


You also use a lot of your own fantasy words close together. I quickly got confused, as you used lots of them without describing what they meant, and without giving me a real chance to absorb them. I'd suggest that you ease the reader into your world a bit more, by only using a few of your own words at the beginning, and then building up more and more as your story progresses. Think of the original Harry Potter - Harry (and the reader) isn’t told everything about the wizarding world at once, but rather he is told a little bit of it at a time, giving the reader a chance to really absorb it all.


The ending was an info dump. I didn't take any of it, I'm afraid, as you were throwing so much information at me, I was quickly over whelmed. As with your fantasy words, I would suggest you ease the reader into the story a little more gently.


You do, however, clearly have a good grip on how to write. The beginning in particular was well written, allowing us to see the scene without bogging us down with information. You also seem to have put thought and effort into creating your world - which is good, you just have to ease the reader into it a little easier.


Keep on writing ^_^.
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Thanks for the comments..i will edit it tonight, however im at school at the moment (booyah)

I'm definately doing to water down the ending seeing that everyone said the same heh ^^;
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I don't have much time right now, so I apologise for the briefness. I'll be blunt and to the point, I guess.

As you know, a sentence starts with a capital letter, and ends with a full stop. The dialogue and tag are part of the same sentence, and so you shouldn't end the sentence at the dialogue, and begin a new one at the tag.

Wrong:
'You're late.' She said.

Right:
'You're late,' she said.

She said, 'You're late.'

'You're late.' She stood, and waited.

ect. I doubt you need anyone to hold your hand with that. It should help you, if not fix your problem completely.

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the Immortal War : Tharins - Edited


Chapter one


The town was rather empty; the light was fading after a fresh, spring day. The street lamps were beginning to ignite, one by one they would come on, burning orange. The temperature was falling already, a more bitter than before. Most people had gone home because it was pointless to shop when all the shops were closed. Only, there were a few people rushing around to get home. Though there was a single figure who walking at a fast pace and she was the only person who was heading towards the main square.

Elena Borquen kept her eyes angled to the ground. Her hands were thrust in the pockets of her black jacket, not knowing what to do with them. She thought that folding her arms was a sign of insecurity. Hands in pockets, however, gave nothing away. Her hair fell down her face, a deep brown colour. She dyed it last week, feeling fed up with her dull fair colour. A bird from one of the buildings lifted up suddenly, causing all the other birds to lift up in fright. Elena’s eyes snapped up, watching them cautiously. She didn’t fancy getting covered in bird-poo, so she waited for them to pass over head.

When she started walking again, her pace quickened. She looked at her watch, checking if she was on time. Her eyes marked out her path, not far now, she thought. Her heart beat quickened at the thought of meeting with him. She was excited, as always, to hear from the boss. She pulled her phone from her pocket, looking at the screen in case she had a text message. She thrust it back when she saw that no one was talking. She suddenly veered left, turning down an alleyway.

It was one of those alleyways that had always been there but no one thought much about it. Everyone accepted it, not thinking twice about it. That was why it way perfect for two secret people to discuss, well, secrets. Elena walked as far down the alleyway as possible until what light there was from the streetlamps had faded, leaving only the dullest of lights. She turned right, towards the dead end. The scent of urine and rubbish thudded into her, making her nose wrinkle. This place must be perfect for foxes, hence the smell.

But the figure at the end was not a fox; he was a tall, middle-aged man with jet-black hair. He wore a long trench coat and his back was leaning against the wall. His hair was dark brown; he wore it long and wavy framing his face. A neat goatee curled at his chin and his eyes, a greenish grey, were staring at the sky. In his right hand was a cigarette, burning away. When Elena reached him, she paused, staring at the cigarette.

“I didn’t know you smoke.” she said to the man as he raised the burning stick to his lips. He looked at her with his pale eyes, giving her a calculating look.

“I don’t, I’m blending in with the surroundings.” he said, amusement edging his voice. Elena smiled, coming a little closer. The pungent smell of tobacco covered the gross smell of rubbish. An improvement at least, she thought, even if tobacco isn’t the nicest of smells.

“Fair enough, Valerian, I won’t tell anyone anyway in case you don’t want to tarnish your perfect reputation.” she said, smiling at his reaction. He frowned, throwing down the cigarette and stamping on it.

“No need, I think I’d rather eat a slug than smoke another one.” he said, and then looked at Elena carefully. “It’s a little dark here.” He added after squinting at her for a moment or two. There was a click and the flame from Valerian’s lighter gave off little light but it was enough to reveal their faces in the gloom.

“So, sir, what information do you have for me?” Elena said, returning to formal matters. Valerian reached inside his pocket with his free hand and pulled out a red envelope. Elena took it, surprised by the weight of it.

“Don’t open it yet, it has information for your next assignment.” Valerian said, noticing the flicker of surprise across Elena’s face. She gave him curt stare, then pocketed it.

“The Legion hasn’t given up on me then.” Elena said, trying sounding as casual as possible. “Even though I’ve proved that I’m unreliable so many times.” Valerian reached over and patted her shoulder, looking abashed.

“You aren’t unreliable. You’ve just been unlucky with the old Harith problem. The Legion knows that you are talented and dependable.” he said, and then he frowned at her. “You aren’t blaming yourself are you?” he added, sternly. Elena met his gaze, and then looked down with a sigh. A ‘Harith’ was the name given to a follower of the pact called ‘The Samovac’.


“Not as much as I did the first time, when I lost my cousin.” she said, heavily. “That was the hardest because I knew Emily so well. But then, at least she didn’t die.”

“You tried, Elena, I know you did. But the Legion believes in you, we all understand that you don’t make stupid mistakes like some of us have done.”

“Well, it was a little stupid of Gareth to accept their offer then refuse it in front of them.” she agreed, and then shook her head. “Why are young people so….foolish?”

“Some are still naïve, so they don’t understand our world.” Valerian said, looking thoughtful. Elena nodded, folding her arms despite her resolve not to.

“I hope this assignment is a good one, I feel like kicking some Harith ass.” Elena said, and then smiled at the foolishness at her own words.
“Well, just as long as you do your job. I must say, after all these years of being in the Legion, I have never kicked a Harith’s ass.” Valerian said, and then he looked at his watch. “I have to check on other Tharins tonight, not yet though. You remember Daniel?”

“Oh yes, wasn’t he the orphan?”

“I have a meeting with him soon; he’s definitely turned into a clever Legionnaire. He’s training to become a Guardian.” Valerian said, smiling. Elena nodded, she understood these strange terms. A ‘Legionnaire’ was an individual in their secret society, the Legion.

“Wow, I always knew he’d try to make as much change as possible.” Elena said, and then her smile faded as she remembered something that she wanted to ask Valerian. “I heard about Will, I couldn’t believe it when I heard. Someone actually betrayed him and told the Samovac about Will being in the Legion?” she asked, the story chilling her each time. Valerian looked grave all of a sudden.

“It was indeed a thrilling case. The Potential he found was working for the Samovac before hand. Will had no idea; he told the Potential everything, from his name to his job in the Legion. It wasn’t long afterwards when he was attacked by Hariths. Luckily, he was powerful enough to deflect them all and he escaped to the Tharikoa.” Valerian said, then shook his head. A ‘Potential’ was a given name of someone with the aptitude to join the Legion or the Samovac. “It just goes to show that no one knows who to trust.”

“It makes me wonder whether it could happen to me. But then,” she said, her eyes blazing. “They wouldn’t have a chance against me. I’m lucky to have such developed power or I would have been killed so many times.”

“Oh, I better go. Daniel will be waiting by now.” Valerian said, and then he blew out the lighter. There was hardly any light now but it was only a matter of time before both Elena and Valerian could see perfectly. He pulled her into a tight embrace, hugging her tightly. When he stepped away, he smiled at her warmly.

“You know Elena; you are probably the most special girl I have ever met. You have lost so many time but you’re always ready to go for it again.” he said, his grey eyes suddenly gleamed bright white. Elena’s blues eyes ignited with the same white light in reply. It was how Legionnaires honour each other, or acknowledge each other.

“Thanks sir, good luck with the others. Tell them from me that you are the greatest Legionnaire of them all, and the cheekiest.” she said, grinning at him. Valerian laughed, it was a loud bark of expressed mirth.

“Sure Elena, I’ll try to remember. Good luck with your new assignment.” he said back, his smiled broad and happy. Then, in a whoosh of his coat, he leapt straight up into the air and disappeared. Elena watched him, and then sighed, knowing that Valerian loved to leave in style. She looked back down at the envelope in her hands, the silver writing gleaming in what little light there was. She turned it over, fingers groping for the seal. Suddenly, there was a loud cough from near her. Elena jumped so badly that she almost dropped the envelope altogether. Thrusting it in her pocket, she twisted around to see an old woman walking down the alleyway. Elena blinked a couple of times before her sight cleared enough for her to see the woman entirely.

“What are you doing out here, my dear?” the woman inquired, in a raspy voice. Close up, Elena could tell that this woman was a little barmy. She wore at least five shawls over a thick woolly coat. On her feet were a pair of cowboy boots that looked completely out of place. Elena had adjust to the weirdness of the woman before answering.

“I was meeting someone, but they are gone so I’ll be one my way.” She said, edging away from the woman, trying to get around her. The woman moved away, frowning at her.

“Odd place to meet, I think. You’re not a secret agent are you?” the woman asked, looking serious. Elena almost snorted in laughed but when she saw the seriousness of the woman, she knew that it was not a joke. With a sense of pity, Elena turned to face the woman.

“Not exactly, you could say I’m secret to those who aren’t allowed to know.”

“You’re part of a conspiracy,” the woman barked suddenly, excitement sparkling in her dull eyes. “I always thought this alleyway had secrets such as these. So tell me, mysterious one, do you fight for good or evil?” she rasped, sounding as crazy as ever.

“Good and evil?” Elena asked, thoughtfully but when the woman just stared at her, she answered herself. “Who am I to judge that what I do is good? Anyway, ma’am, I better be off.”

“Then be off!” The woman yelled suddenly, making Elena jump again. She hurried away quickly from her, worried that the woman was perhaps a bit too dangerous for her own good. Turning a corner so the woman was out of sight, Elena stopped and lent against the wall. She looked up in the sky, seeing how the stars were coming out. She began to wonder about the woman and felt pity at once. What would it feel like to be so confused that nothing felt right? Elena twiddled with her coat zip as she stared into space. But then, her life was very confusing.

“If that woman thinks she has issues then she should try being a magician,” Elena muttered to herself, casting her eyes downwards to the floor. Stepping from the wall, she carried on walking out the alleyway until the orange flare of the streetlamps was once again felt on her face. Smiling to herself, Elena walked down the street thrusting her hands in her pockets. She trudged away from the street, far enough until the last person disappeared around the corner.

The Legion, as you may have guessed, is not some book club. It is in fact a secret assembly of magicians, yes magicians, all united against one thing. That one thing is such a big secret itself that the Legion goes to huge lengths to just keep it hidden from normal people. Elena had known that ever since she was ten years, she knows that all human beings have magic only some can control it. As Elena stood still, she could feel the strange energy inside her. It’s Odd, she thought, that some magicians would use this power to kill and destroy everything. Those magicians belong to the Samovac, the order that want supreme power. That was what the Legion fought against.

Looking back down again, Elena cast her gaze to one of the buildings. It was an old opticians which was of course closed for the night. Walking over to it, Elena brought forth some of her precious energy, magic. Pushing down with her mind, she leapt up high, impossibly so. Her legs kicked up and she gained height. Arching perfect, she landed neatly on the roof of the building. She quickly looked back over, checking to see that no one. When she was sure, she ran forwards, feet tapping the tiles. She then bounded straight off the end and disappeared into the darkness below.

It was time to go home.
***The Jesseble***

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I edited it using all the comments so i hope i havent missed anything out.

I'll put up chapter 2 if anyone wants it ^^; if not then shame on you!
***The Jesseble***

Cheese Hat




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I like this story! Elena seems interesting. I think the old woman at the end was a nice touch. I really would like to see how this story continues. A few edits about the first paragraph . . .

"Most people had gone home because it was pointless to shop when all the shops were closed." Um, lol, yeah, I would think so. Maybe remove "it was pointless to shop when." I think that's kind of obvious, no?

"Only, there were a few people rushing around to get home. Though there was a single figure who walking at a fast pace and she was the only person who was heading towards the main square. "

This feels a little choppy. I think maybe if you did something like, "There were only a few people rushing around to get home. A single figure walked at a fast pace, the solitary person heading towards the main square." Makes it a little more concise, and gets rid of the repetition of "only." I dunno, what do you think?

Otherwise, I like it! I will read any future installments.




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That was pretty good. A few comments I have (mostly about the beginning):

1. I think you use the word "was" too much, which makes for telling rather than showing, weak writing, and all that boring stuff you probably don't want in your story. Your writing could be more concise if you said, for example:

"the street lights began to ignite" instead of "were beginning to ignite"

"they came on" instead of "they would come on"

"Only a few people still rushed to get home" (or some such, no need to use those exact words) instead of "Only, there were a few people rushing..."

"headed towards the main square" instead of "was heading towards the main square"

... and so on. I think this would tighten up your writing and make it easier and quicker to read through the introductions and get to the action.

2. You explain a lot of the actions. For example:

When she started walking again, her pace quickened. She looked at her watch, checking if she was on time. Her eyes marked out her path, not far now, she thought. Her heart beat quickened at the thought of meeting with him. She was excited, as always, to hear from the boss. She pulled her phone from her pocket, looking at the screen in case she had a text message. She thrust it back when she saw that no one was talking. She suddenly veered left, turning down an alleyway.


"checking if she was on time" ... yeah, that's usually why people check watches.

"she was excited, as always, to hear from the boss" ... this basically restates the previous sentence, except for the fact about "him" being her boss, which you could easily place in the previous sentence or later in the chapter.

the entire phone scene ... you could shorten this to one quick sentence, because it doesn't seem that important (forgive me if I'm wrong): She pulled her phone from her pocket but thrust it back when she saw she had no messages.

The actions in your piece, I think, should stand for themselves without your explanations. If I were you, I'd write the simple version first (without explanations) and then if your readers are confused, they'll say so (hopefully ;)) and you can insert an explanation.


So, basically, the above comments are meant to help you make the same substance fit in a smaller space, so it's more interesting (not that it isn't interesting now). And I think I agree with the others about infodumping, but that's already been said.

On the other hand, I liked the idea behind it, and I really liked your streetlights description in the first paragraph (except for the "was"s). That was neat.

Go ahead, post Chapter 2, and we'll all read and comment. :D
~HAKUNA MATATA~



I cannot separate the aesthetic pleasure of seeing a butterfly and the scientific pleasure of knowing what it is.
— Vladmir Nabokov