Mesopotamia

Here, we learn the difference between
fatalities and murder. We are all crude
sketches of ourselves here, squinting
eyes, fingers creating constellations
from the dents made by shrapnel
in the adobe walls.
We are all good guys, all bad guys,
all pixels and slippery ticker headlines,
all one-second memories. Here, we're
racing toward what we can't see and can't
remember, leaving civilization in the dust
of another bombing, another dry
whisper of Babylon.

Dun Dun Dun

Nicely done, very well discripted and a nice usage of words. Some sentences are a bit long and overdone

We are all good guys, [s]all[/s] bad guys,
[s]all[/s] pixels and slippery ticker headlines,
[s]all[/s] one-second memories.

Reading this frase outloud, it sounds great untill the third line, for me a suggestion would be to cut out the "all" after the first time you said it

"adobe walls" caught my attention usage of words blinks out here indeed

Enjoyable material there mate

Cheerios, Chandni

I disagree with Chandni -- I think the "all" works well in those three lines. In fact, I'm more or less thoroughly impressed with this precisely the way it is, LOL.

I'm not sure I understand the reference to Babylon though. Explain?

Overall, definitely "well disciplined" and excellent use of words and imagery. Kudos

Cheers
~bubbles

I also disagree with Chandi, I liked the "all" in there as well.

I liked this poem and the meaning it had and it was a pleasant read.

I'm not sure I understand the reference to Babylon though. Explain?

Ha, though I'm entirely against people defending their work, I'm going to explain Babylon. Erm...I wrote this after studying Mesopotamian civilizations in social studies, and I was all, "Let's compare and contrast ancient history with today!" I guess Babylon as we think of it in history class is idyllic, green, and peaceful. Now, the land between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, aka Iraq is one of the crappiest places in the world. So...I guess the title "Mesopotamia" and the Babylon reference are supposed to point out the irony that the land we refer to as the beginning of civilization is now really uncivilized..
The poem doesn't have to be interpreted that way, though. I was thinking of adding a line in there about the Tigris and Euphrates, though. They just sound cool and would be another historic reference, making me sound smarter.

Thanks for the replies.
Colleen

P.S. If anyone wants to take a look at my poem "Ionic Bonds", it's slowly fermenting somewhere in the Other Poetry forum with no comments.