Insomnia

Thinking;
unending stasis,
a living death
self perpetuating
in the darkness

Periods of activity,
interspersed by static
pulses: there’s an absence of
feeling. images perceived
and not understood flitter
away [Gone]
through the seams in the
tapestry of consciousness

Musing on
the elusive twilight of
thought beating about
empty space, craving
substance but finding
nothing.

Could someone tell me which forum this belongs in? I have a feeling its in Other Potery, but I was getting sick of putting all my poems there ...

Well put! I just recently read a short story by Joyce Carol Oates called, "Why Don't You Come Live With Me it's Time." This is a story about an insomniac. I can really see a connection between my own narrow experience, this story and your poem. I really liked your line, "a living death." Sorry, I'm fairly new on this site so I don't feel like I can tell you where to put your poem. You might try lyrical poetry though.

Aloha Jiggy,

Not sure where to put this - I can never really figure out the difference between the categories, to be honest I think it will do just fine here for the moment, anyway

Now then. To be brutally honest, I dont know whether I like this that much. You have some great images, very apt, but your line breaks drive me insane. In particular, the first stanza makes me itch for a virtual red editing pen.

Thinking;
unending stasis
a living death
self perpetuating
in the darkness

The problem is simply information overload. Too many pictures, all in the same stanza, make this a bit top-heavy, and the short lines give a kind of wacked rhythm. Try a bit of variation, even if it's just a different way of beginning a sentence. And we need punctuation here.

Periods of activity
interspersed by static
but there’s an absence of
feeling; images perceived
and not understood flitter
away [Gone]
through the seams in the
tapestry of consciousness

"Static" is too close to "stasis" -- I'd use one or the other. Also, it seems incomplete. Interspersed with static what? It doesnt make sense. And, again, punctuate!

Why "but" there's an absence...etc.? You dont need a but here (I once got old off for "butting" where I shouldnt have, so now I do it to everyone else, LOL).

I like the "seams in the/tapestry of consciousness" metaphor.

"away [Gone]" would be better - well, gone, IMHO.

I think you should straighten up your sentences a bit, grammatically speaking, and perhaps make sure you begin them differently on occasion - one can only read so much of "musing on this" and "images flitting there" before beginning to long for a good solid sentence with an actual subject and purpose!

Musing on
the elusive twilight of
thought beating about
empty space, craving
substance but finding
nothing.

This would serve better as the first stanza. As an ending, it lacks punch, and sounds as though it's promising to continue into something, but it doesnt. Which is disappointing.

So, to sum up, I like the subject, and the images - I really do. But as a whole the poem needs more backbone; a purpose, a proper structure. Right now it's fragmented beyond the reach of art: you can only distort the picture so much before it becomes just another jumble of colours, my dear.

Hope I wasnt too harsh though The poem reminds me of one of my essay drafts, actually. Everything is there, just in all the wrong places and not quite hanging together. Some spit and polish definitely needed, but a fair first draft.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Thanks a lot you two, your work is much appreciated. Bubbles, my brain isnt working too well, I am violently sleep deprived so my re-arranging and polishing skills are, like my brain, dead.

Will fix. Suggestions welcome.

Possible change:

Musing on
the elusive twilight of
thought beating about
empty space, craving
substance but finding
nothing.

Thinking;
unending stasis,
a living death
self perpetuating
in the darkness

Periods of activity,
interspersed by static
pulses: there’s an absence of
feeling. images perceived
and not understood flitter
away [Gone]
through the seams in the
tapestry of consciousness

Jiggity,

The best part of this poem was the unique use of punctuation. I understood the meaning and feeling in the poem, but unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your view point) the imagery didn't really sink in, and thats mainly--i believe--due to your diction. You're too focused on TELLING me (or whoever else reads it) what you're doing/feeling. Show me. Or, at the very least use more descriptive words. As it is now, it is passable amatuer poetry, but to that I say: SO WHAT? Do you want to be a "passable amateur"? Hopefully not. Here's a good trick you can use: ADJECTIVES. The poets friend is the adjective. A lot people when they cross over to the art of poetry from the mundane of prose writing are afraid of using adjectives because they think it makes it too prose-like (I was guilty of that for a long time) but the fact of the matter is, ADJECTIVES MAKE POETRY. The more adjectives, the better, at least when done properly in proper places.

For more suggestions, I point you towards my helpful guide, Incan's "How to write poetry" (I believe its in Squills)

So go on, do it! And fix this, because its got potential!

But I'm tired .. can't Brad do it for me, lol. Of course I want to get better at writing poetry, but I hardly think its going to happen overnight. T'will take time. Not to much hopefully.

Thanks for the comment.

It's a pretty good piece of work, and it should stay in this forum. It's pretty dramatic! But I agree with bubblewrapped and the others, a few corrections are needed.

RR*

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, tis appreciated.

I wanted to show that apathy of insomnia is so alike our daily lives and juxtapose that with the fact that in dirt poor Africa, people dance in the streets...But I stopped before I got to that lol, I really need to work on this.