Lost

Im not sure where this came from...deep down I guess. Its funny how emotions can be hidden so well, yet found so easily. -ibelieve_inme


Moral meant more to you than I,
Yet why deny love for salvation?
Once, merely dreaming of no end was enough.
Now, falling in sweet desire for truth, I need more.
Something different, a definition to life.
You come along - and all of the sudden I question my reality, and make it yours.
Not realizing the mistake I am making...Overlooking what I would have found, had I just been patient.
Yet you draw me in to the point of addiction, almost.
All I can do is give love to you, at best.
Still wondering why... I feel somewhat trapped.
But what does it matter anyway, as long as I am loved in return.
Or maybe...even if I am not...

Well, I liked your vocabulary you used. It was rather interesting to read.

I'm not so sure about your line breaks. Right now, there's basically one sentence per line, and it doesn't seem very poetic. Maybe you could connect sentences into the line after, so it has more flow.

Another thing: please avoid using the dot dot dots [ellipses] in poetry. It really doesn't add anything significant to the meaning.

Also, should the first word be 'Morals' instead of 'Moral'?


Keep writing,

>green_river

Hello, welcome to YWS. Love the username! I hope you're enjoying the site so far

I'm going to get straight into the crit(ique) here OK? Because I'm really not that good at small talk Nitpicks are outlined in bold - put these down to my OCD - otherwise I'll try to explain any problems I have etc.

Morality meant more to you than I,
Yet why deny love for salvation?
Once, merely dreaming of no end was enough.
Now, [s]falling in sweet desire for truth[/s], I need more.

OK. I love the concept in the first line, and the rhythm you establish with it. I dont get the last two lines though - seems a bit of a jump from denying love for salvation and so on. What are you trying to say? I think this little passage is needlessly confusing. Also, I think you should remove the "falling in sweet desire for truth" -- it messes with the rhythm and makes the poem somehow...I dont know. Repetitive, even after a few lines. It dulls things. Replace it.

[s]Something different, a definition to life. [/s]
You come along - and all of the sudden I question my reality, and make it yours.
Not realizing the mistake I am making...Overlooking what I would have found, had I just been patient.

OK, here is where it starts to get messy. First, where has your rhythm gone? You start out strong but then it falls apart. The crossed out line is needless; it just repeats the previous idea and not even in an interesting way. The other lines are WAY too long. The enter key is your friend! Oh and the ellipses do not work as you have them now. And, well, I think you're switching around a bit. How does this connect to the first lines? Perhaps it should be in the past tense ("you came along...") so that it implies a reflection from the first lines. I'll give you an example of how I'd rewrite it (because I'm bossy like that ^_^)

You came along, and suddenly you were my reality;
I got so close to you that I was blind
to what I could have found, had I just been patient.

Basically my advice here would be:

1. Simplify! Shorten your sentences, say things cleanly - even when you're using metaphors or analogies, you have to make your language economical and to the point.

2. Rhythm, rhythm, rhythm. Remember the rhythm. Say it out loud to yourself, get a metronome, whatever. You need to get that rhythm under control.

Yet you draw me in to the point of addiction, almost.
All I can do is give love to you, at best.
Still wondering why... I feel somewhat trapped.
But what does it matter anyway, as long as I am loved in return.
Or maybe...even if I am not...

Basically, I'm left going "WTF?" here. I dont know what you're talking about - you havent given me enough information to feel this with you, or even to understand what you're trying to say. So I say again: simplify - this time with ideas. This sounds like it just came off the top of your head and you need to refine it. What are you trying to say with this poem? Figure that out, and then stick to it. Bend your images, metaphors (and to be honest you're not using many) and your word choice to reflect your meaning. Poems may be subtle but they're always (well, the best are) accessible, and at the moment this just isnt accessible to me. Ultimately you want to draw your reader into understanding and enlightenment, not to confuse her!

So IMHO you really need a point here. This is a rough draft and it needs revision. Which, trust me, is something you will learn about very fast on this site, LMAO! Anyway, I'll look forward to seeing what you do with it.

Cheers,
~bubbles

thanks both for your comments...I'll keep them in mind for my future works...this was just rough draft anyways..but i won a poetry contest with it, so i kept it as is. "moral" is suppost to be moral, nothing else. Its based on something that was said to me once. But I can see where that would confuse you. The end, where it says "Still wondering why I feel somewhat trapped.
But what does it matter anyway, as long as I am loved in return.
Or maybe, even if I am not."
Im trying to say that I feel trapped, but maybe its worth it if you love me anyways (the person this is to) and then i realize its worth it even if im not loved back, when i say "or maybe even if i am not" Its a long story to explain why I wrote this, but hopefully this clears some things up. Thanks for being honest with your opinions tho - i appreciate it. I hate it when people try to be "nice" and end up not saying what they really want to. So sorry if I come on a little strong, im just being honest

ibelieve_inme--


There is virtually nothing to distinguish the current bit of swill from the tidal wave of similar junk that's all over the internet. Sentences of clumsy and ordinary phrases simply don't cut it.


Take care,
Brad

Well maybe you could tell me how YOU would write it, because if its good enough to receive an award-twice, may I add-then Im not going to be too quick to change it.

ibelieve_inme -


Any possible revision I would have would begin with scrapping this entirely. If you won two awards with this (from poetry.com, no doubt), why would you post it here? We are a site for helping members become better writers, not feeding their egos.


Best,
Brad

ibelieve_inme

I appreciate that you're proud of your poem. I've won poetry competitions too, and it's a real rush, so congratulations!

However, just because a poem has won awards does not mean it doesnt need to be revised. By all means, keep a copy of the original poem. Hang it on your wall in a place of honour, if you like! But if you're going to fully embrace the culture of YWS, you're going to have to face the hard fact that nothing is ever as good as it can be. There is always room for improvement. Would you stop practicing basketball just because you won a competition? Granted, the analogy is flawed, but you get my point.

Poetry, and being a good poet, is not about how many awards you win. It's about being open to change, about correcting your mistakes, about moving further and deeper into your craft.

I'd hate to see you sabotage yourself by insisting that everything you do is perfect. Loosen up a bit, my friend, and take some comments on board -- see if you cant make things even better!

All the best,
~bubbles

i know its not perfect - its far from that, obviously. I just like to stop when i like it, because i have a tendency of changing things too much, and ruining them altogether in the end. Thank you for all of your opinions, its helped me realize that maybe change isnt such a bad thing (in my writing) I knew it for ral life, but writing is my way to get away from reality, so i forgot the same rules applied....

keep reading, thanks