Ground Zero from Suburbia

**sits down and stares for a minute or two**

**gets up, walks around the poem(?) a few times and sits down again**

No, I still cant decide if I like it or not.

I like the short sentences, and the almost imperceptible build up to the climax, and the weird-but-somehow-coherent imagery. But it might work better if I actually knew what was going on? Then again. It's almost prettier this way...

Ack!

Sorry Incan, I cant put my finger on it but there is something ... I dont know. It's awesome, but I'm left feeling a bit lost. But maybe it's just me

Technically, it's a poem, but then again anything could be.Ummmm idk. It's more, hmmm... Idk, I can't find anything I like about it, but I can't find anything I dislike except for the long sentances.

Not to sure I like it very much.

=) happy reading (=

I understand what your'e trying to say. We have so much fear, of everything that we create our own "perfect" world with plenty of manicured lawns and decking. But this is far from idyllic.

I think I can actually relate to this poem, I'm not sure if It would strike a chord with me so much if I didn't live in the suburbs myself.


I love this line: "A crime scene’s white silhouettes" so symbolic.


I don't pretend to understand this poem, in fact there's parts I don't really understand:"Make this painting your home. Cataract fields of glowing haze"

But I like your style and always have done, so I suppose for a "fan" (could i call myself that?) I DO like this peice.

Ok, Incan.
I'm disapointed. You are well known on this site for being the God of the Poetry Forums, then you come up with something like this. If you're going to go around telling people that their poetry sucks, then at least try to make a good impression with your own poetry.
I do not believe that this should be in poetry. I think it needs to go back to your writing desk for a major rewrite.

All:


Thank you very much for considering this. I understand some confusion to have arisen in your contemplation; first, it is a response to global terrorism, 9/11, and second, it is a meditation on the proximity to life Americans seem to have lost.


Prosithion:


While I appreciate the sentiment, you're misguided. One need not be a good writer to be a good critic, or vice-versa. That you were disappointed in my performance here is unfortunate; however, your response needs to remain focused. Instead of basing your opinion on the work I've posted, you've situated yourself in reference to my personality, my critiquing methods, and you've made suggestions for those, not this poem. It is fine if you do not wish to make suggestions for improvement on the piece, but this is not the thread to make suggestions for my character.


Take care,
Brad