Finnegon

Finnegan

“Ouch” shrieked Finnegan as aphelia pulled off a huge leech. “Why did we have to go threw the swamp, you know it is always filled with leeches” exclaimed aphelia. “Well I want to get some meat before we have to go home, I don’t want us starving again this winter, and I am afraid this hunting trip is a huge failure”. Suddenly hearts stopping roar came crashing threw the woods. “ What was that?” the best friends said in unison. “ Come on” as Finnegan picked up the gear, his shaggy white hair fell in his burnished blue eyes. “Lets go find out what or who scared us half to depth, probably just a careless kid lost. Maybe we will become famous for finding him” that’s when the roar came again. Aphelia started running toward the sound and Finnegan started to follow. When they got there, it was no kid, but a fearless dragon with a thorn stuck in her wing. She started thrashing about, but could not escape kids. So she whacked Finnegan with her tail just enough to make him come to. “Calm down we want to help”. After they approached the dragon they tenderly removed the blood soaked thorn from her smooth lathery wing. Shockingly the dragon spoke and said “thanks, what are my equals names, so that I may thank them properly” and she then stunningly bowed and Finnegan knew this was a great honor. My name is Finnegan and my sister and best friend is known as aphelia,” said Finnegan while doing the best bow. “Well aphelia and Finnegan thank you so very much for not running away but helping me in my state of need. So to repay your knobble deeds I’ll give you both a free pass to my dragon’s nest to pick out an egg each so they may help you in return? Thus, They followed the dragon to her jewel nest. ”Here, pick out three jewels each and tale a precious egg a piece ”when they laid their eyes on the nest they were shocked, eight eggs lay sparkling in the moon light reflected off the precious gems. Finnegan picked an especially radiant purple egg while as aphelia picked a soft blue egg. They then gently picked out the most priceless gems in the pile then they gently put them into their backpacks and picked up their eggs. “ Finnegan and aphelia, pick good names for your dragons and keep good care of them, your live may depend on it. One last thought, you both made good chooses when picking out the eggs. Oh yes, please tell the story of how we met to them please.
+
A week later the friends were together trying to guess when both eggs would hatch first when suddenly they heard a squeak from both eggs. They started shaking and sliding on the floor. When they bumped into each other. A crack appeared on both eggs and both heads popped out simaltamesly. Picking up his curious dragon that was wondering around on the floor. “ Mine is a girl ” suddenly a feeling rang through his head, it said without word yes and I am hungry. “I love you ” he said shockingly he then affectionately stroked his dragons head. Aphelia said, “ Now to business what are our dragons names. ”. “ My purple dragon is going to be named sapphire like the a gem her mother gave me.” “ Well my precious one is going to be named falkor because I think he is going to be a great hunter in the sky, better than anything, Evan his mum”. “ Which reminds me, I cashed in only one of the jewels and I got a thousand pelf’s. I bought I lot of meet that should last us a while. You know we will have to leave soon because we do not want people finding out we are raising dragons. We will be ridiculed and our dragons will be murdered” Finnegan and aphelia shuttered at just the thought. “Look I think my dragon is hungry, lets feed them and start packing so we get on the road today.” After an hour they were on the road to town, with there dragons sleeping in the backpacks. “So where are we going to go, I mean we do not have any family outside of this town. I guess we could go to the woods and wait for our dragons to mature” Said aphelia with a sad tone. “ I hope our parents don’t follow, our mom will go nuts and our dad will probably will think we have gone hunting again so lets hurry on.” out of the blue, sapphire poked her head out of his back pack and climbed on his shoulder, he stroked her and gave her a piece of meat out of his pocket. “ I hope they can hunt soon, cause they will eat of meat. We will not need horses because in an month they will be ready to ride.”
+
After about three hours of chatting and waking Finnegan exclaimed “ stop, this looks like a good spot to make camp, lets make a fire and cook some supper for all of us. I am famished, and I look like our dragon friends are too. How he knew this, was because hi dragon was trying to catch a dragonfly. “ Well lets go find fire wood, falkor” and she picked him up and put him on her shoulder. She then stomped off through the woods. Finnegan then laughed at his dragon because she was successful with catching the dragonfly, but one of its wings was hanging out of her mouth. “Sapphire, I need to tell you something” the dragon stopped playing around and came to him and laid her head on his lap as if she understood. Of course she can her mother could talk. He then began to tell the story of how he had met her mother and how he and aphelia had token the thorn out of her mothers wing.
+
When aphelia had gotten back and they had eaten supper and fed the dragons. Finnegan and sapphire along with aphelia and her dragon all went walking. They showed the dragon what was a pine tree and what was an oak. They told the dragons why they looked alike were because Finnegan and aphelia was twins and so were they. Finnegan told falkor about his mother and they then went back to camp and went to sleep. The next day Finnegan and aphelia started packing their belongings while letting the dragons sleep, however the dragon were not sleeping but talking to each other. Hey falkor should we tell them we can talk. Our mom even trusted them enough to use her power and talk there language but they can hear our thoughts, I have did it before with Finnegan, he did not know it at the time but it was me thought sapphire to her brother. It would help a lot. We might Evan get to sit on there shoulders even, okay lets do it sapphire. When they come and wake us up. Go back to sleep until then. A few minute later Finnegan came to wake up the dragons. He then screamed because sapphire scared him by saying im hungry in his thoughts after Finnegan finishes freaking out, he calls over aphelia. Falkor and sapphire explain they how their mom talked English, and y they now are talking telepathically. Then they start to pack up and head out when Finnegan realizes what this meant. The dragons’ mom has magic and could have pulled out the thorn with it. So maybe this was mint to be. So what did this mean? Was he and aphelia supposed to become dragon riders, the first ones in the history in gingili. Gingili needed a hero because; well really gingili had no king. Whenever a crime was done, the parents had the responsibility to punish the kid who had done it. I should share this with aphelia. “ Hey aphelia, do you think it was our destiny to become dragon riders? What sapphire said was that all dragons could use magic that maent their mother could have used it to pool out the thorn. Maybe we are to put justice in our country. We all know how gingili needs it. That is what we should do.” “ Well it all fits. Man, this is so weird, Finnegan, I hope this is all true. The dragons are hungry and so am I, so lets cook some meat and eat. I am starving, after all this thinking.” After they ate beef stew they packed up and begun walking with the dragons on their shoulders as wanted by falkor.

Ah! No spaces, my friend - it's like looking at a cinderblock wall. ^_^''

Put spaces between your paragraphs, manually, by editing the post. I assume you probably copy/pasted into the message? That will sometimes leave it hard to read.

You'll get more comments with a readable text. ^_^


What I have read seems rather rushed. You've dropped the reader into a world they haven't the slightest foundation for. You might want to introduce it a bit more slowly - the dialogue is fun for pacing. But without knowing who these people are in the least, it's almost impossible to follow. ^_^


IMP

I'm with Imp on this one...and spellcheck your stuff too, some things are misspelled. And there are a couple typos.

Please review your work before you post it here. It helps us, so we don't have to tell you how to spell something that you already know how to spell.

Jusque-là,
--Wings

Hey, Amber Lee! You have a great story here! let me just give you a few tips.

Finnegan

“Ouch” shrieked Finnegan as aphelia pulled off a huge leech. “Why did we have to go threw the swamp, you know it is always filled with leeches” exclaimed aphelia. “Well I want to get some meat before we have to go home, I don’t want us starving again this winter, and I am afraid this hunting trip is a huge failure”.

A QUICK TIP: MANY PROFESSIONAL WRITERS PRESS THE 'ENTER' KEY WHEN A NEW CHARACTER SPEAKS. I.E.
"OUCH!"
"WHY DID WE..."

Suddenly hearts stopping roar came crashing threw the woods. “ What was that?” the best friends said in unison. “ Come on” as Finnegan picked up the gear, his shaggy white hair fell in his burnished blue eyes. “Lets go find out what or who scared us half to depth, probably just a careless kid lost. Maybe we will become famous for finding him” that’s when the roar came again. Aphelia started running toward the sound and Finnegan started to follow. When they got there, it was no kid, but a fearless dragon with a thorn stuck in her wing. She started thrashing about, but could not escape kids.

READER IS CONFUSED. WHAT DOES THE WRITER MEAN WHEN SAYING COULD NOT ESCAPE THE KIDS?

So she whacked Finnegan with her tail just enough to make him come to. “Calm down we want to help”.

WHO IS TALKING?

After they approached the dragon they tenderly removed the blood soaked thorn from her smooth lathery wing. Shockingly the dragon spoke and said “thanks, what are my equals names, so that I may thank them properly” and she then stunningly bowed and Finnegan knew this was a great honor. My name is Finnegan and my sister and best friend is known as aphelia,” said Finnegan while doing the best bow. “Well aphelia and Finnegan thank you so very much for not running away but helping me in my state of need. So to repay your knobble deeds I’ll give you both a free pass to my dragon’s nest to pick out an egg each so they may help you in return?

GOOD PART. READER LEARNS THAT DRAGONS CAN TALK HERE AND ADDS A BIT OF DEPTH TO THE STORY. WHY IS THE DRAGON ASKING THEM? MISSING QUOTE MARKS. USE OF MODERN LANGUAGE: FREE PASS. IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS STORY IS SET BACK A WAYS, MAYBE CHANGE IT TO FREE PASSAGE?

Thus, They followed the dragon to her jewel nest. ”Here, pick out three jewels each and tale a precious egg a piece ”when they laid their eyes on the nest they were shocked, eight eggs lay sparkling in the moon light reflected off the precious gems. Finnegan picked an especially radiant purple egg while as aphelia picked a soft blue egg. They then gently picked out the most priceless gems in the pile then they gently put them into their backpacks and picked up their eggs. “ Finnegan and aphelia, pick good names for your dragons and keep good care of them, your live may depend on it. One last thought, you both made good chooses when picking out the eggs. Oh yes, please tell the story of how we met to them please.
+
A week later the friends were together trying to guess when both eggs would hatch first when suddenly they heard a squeak from both eggs. They started shaking and sliding on the floor. When they bumped into each other. A crack appeared on both eggs and both heads popped out simaltamesly. Picking up his curious dragon that was wondering around on the floor. “ Mine is a girl ” suddenly a feeling rang through his head, it said without word yes and I am hungry.

ANOTHER GOOD PART. SHOWS THAT WHEN A BOND IS MADE BETWEEN THE DRAGON AND FINNEGAN, THEY CAN USE TELEPATHY TO COMUNICATE.

“I love you ” he said shockingly he then affectionately stroked his dragons head. Aphelia said, “ Now to business what are our dragons names. ”.

QUICK TIP: DON'T PUT ANY SPACES BETWEEN WORDS AND QUOTE MARKS. I.E.
"MY PURPLE DRAGON IS GOING TO BE NAMED SAPHIRE, LIKE THE GEM HER MOTHER GAVE ME."

“ My purple dragon is going to be named sapphire like the a gem her mother gave me.” “ Well my precious one is going to be named falkor because I think he is going to be a great hunter in the sky, better than anything, Evan his mum”.

QUICK TIP: CAPATALIZE NAMES.

“ Which reminds me, I cashed in only one of the jewels and I got a thousand pelf’s. I bought I lot of meet that should last us a while. You know we will have to leave soon because we do not want people finding out we are raising dragons. We will be ridiculed and our dragons will be murdered” Finnegan and aphelia shuttered at just the thought. “Look I think my dragon is hungry, lets feed them and start packing so we get on the road today.”

NEED A COMMA: "LOOK, I THINK MY..."

After an hour they were on the road to town, with there dragons sleeping in the backpacks. “So where are we going to go, I mean we do not have any family outside of this town. I guess we could go to the woods and wait for our dragons to mature” Said aphelia with a sad tone. “ I hope our parents don’t follow, our mom will go nuts and our dad will probably will think we have gone hunting again so lets hurry on.”

READER IS WONDERING IF THE PARENTS KNEW ABOUT THE DRAGONS?

out of the blue, sapphire poked her head out of his back pack and climbed on his shoulder, he stroked her and gave her a piece of meat out of his pocket. “ I hope they can hunt soon, cause they will eat of meat. We will not need horses because in an month they will be ready to ride.”
+
After about three hours of chatting and waking Finnegan exclaimed “ stop, this looks like a good spot to make camp, lets make a fire and cook some supper for all of us. I am famished, and I look like our dragon friends are too. How he knew this, was because hi dragon was trying to catch a dragonfly.

OKAY, A FEW TYPOS: CHATTING AND WALKING, AND IT LOOKS, BECAUSE HIS DRAGON. THEN YOU NEED SOME QUOTE MARKS.

“ Well lets go find fire wood, falkor” and she picked him up and put him on her shoulder. She then stomped off through the woods. Finnegan then laughed at his dragon because she was successful with catching the dragonfly, but one of its wings was hanging out of her mouth. “Sapphire, I need to tell you something” the dragon stopped playing around and came to him and laid her head on his lap as if she understood. Of course she can her mother could talk.

DO YOU MEAN: SHE AND HER MOTHER COULD TALK?

He then began to tell the story of how he had met her mother and how he and aphelia had token the thorn out of her mothers wing.

READER IS WONDERING WHY THE YOUNG DRAGONS NEED TO KNOW THIS STORY. DOES IT BECOME IMPORTANT LATER IN THE STORY?
+
When aphelia had gotten back and they had eaten supper and fed the dragons. Finnegan and sapphire along with aphelia and her dragon all went walking. They showed the dragon what was a pine tree and what was an oak. They told the dragons why they looked alike were because Finnegan and aphelia was twins and so were they. Finnegan told falkor about his mother and they then went back to camp and went to sleep. The next day Finnegan and aphelia started packing their belongings while letting the dragons sleep, however the dragon were not sleeping but talking to each other.

DRAGONS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE SLEEPING WHE THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER?

Hey falkor should we tell them we can talk. Our mom even trusted them enough to use her power and talk there language but they can hear our thoughts, I have did it before with Finnegan, he did not know it at the time but it was me thought sapphire to her brother.

OKAY-READER IS CONFUSED UP TO: THOUGHT SAPHIRE TO HER BROTHER. TO SHOW THAT THIS IS MIND TALK, MAYBE YOU COULD SLANT IT AND PUT IT IN SINGLE QUOTES? I.E. 'HEY, FALKOR, SHOULD WE...'

It would help a lot. We might Evan get to sit on there shoulders even, okay lets do it sapphire. When they come and wake us up. Go back to sleep until then.

OH. READER THINKS IT UNDERSTANDS NOW. DRAGONS WERE FAKIING SLEPP WHILE THEY WERE TALKING.

A few minute later Finnegan came to wake up the dragons. He then screamed because sapphire scared him by saying im hungry in his thoughts after Finnegan finishes freaking out, he calls over aphelia.

RUN-ON SENTANCE. WHEN YOU GET THIS PUBLISHED AND IT BECOMES A BOOK-ON-TAPE, THE READER IS GOING TO BE GASPING FOR BREATH AT THE END OF THIS SENTANCE. TRY:
A FEW MINUTES LATER, FINNEGAN CAME TO WAKE UP THE DRAGONS. BUT WHEN HE HEARD SAPHIRE'S 'I'M HUNGRY' HE SCREAMED. WHEN FINNEGAN GOT A HOLD OF HIMSELF, HE CALLED OUT TO APHELIA.

Falkor and sapphire explain they how their mom talked English, and y they now are talking telepathically.

GOOD PART. READER LEARNS THAT DRAGONS CAN TALK THROUGH THE EGG. READER IS WONDERING HOW THEY SPOKE NORMALLY THROUGH THE EGG. MAYBE THE ONLY SPOKE THROUGH THEIR MIND WITH THEIR MOM? AND THEN THEY CAN LEARN HOW TO SPEAK AFTER THEY HATCH?

Then they start to pack up and head out when Finnegan realizes what this meant. The dragons’ mom has magic and could have pulled out the thorn with it. So maybe this was mint to be. So what did this mean? Was he and aphelia supposed to become dragon riders, the first ones in the history in gingili. Gingili needed a hero because; well really gingili had no king. Whenever a crime was done, the parents had the responsibility to punish the kid who had done it. I should share this with aphelia. “

PERHAPS PUT IN SINGLE QUOTES TO SHOW THAT THESE ARE HIS THOUGHTS? CAP. GINGILI IF IT IS A NAME.

Hey aphelia, do you think it was our destiny to become dragon riders? What sapphire said was that all dragons could use magic that maent their mother could have used it to pool out the thorn. Maybe we are to put justice in our country. We all know how gingili needs it. That is what we should do.”

MISSING QUOTE MARKS.

“ Well it all fits. Man, this is so weird, Finnegan, I hope this is all true. The dragons are hungry and so am I, so lets cook some meat and eat. I am starving, after all this thinking.” After they ate beef stew they packed up and begun walking with the dragons on their shoulders as wanted by falkor.

GOOD STORY! I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT IF YOU KEEP WORKING ON IT, IT WILL GET PUBLISHED. THERE ARE A FEW SPELLING A GRAMMER ERRORS IN THERE THAT I DIDN'T MENTION, BUT ALL IN ALL, YOU HAVE A GOOD STORY. KEEP ITHEM COMING!