lamentation for priory girls

Look who is writing poetry again; ME!


lamentation for priory girls

give me your woven road, paper-daisy girl
and your calloused-conclusions of devotion.

he loves me, he loves me not...
he forgets me not.

oh but he longs to forget thee,
because there is no way
his body fits your puzzle pieces now.

cleaved petals: the shield of a lazy summer sun,
these fragments of longing weep from
sole shaking hands; non-clueless of all the
memories made up [of smoke and mirrors]*.

oh what a happy race of men
that rules the sky with carvings
of divinity, would it rule the making
of my heartstrings instead.




* at first I really liked of smoke and mirrors, now I don’t. Should it stay or should it go?

As usual, I dont really understand your work CL (which is generally why I just lurk instead of crit ) but I must say I enjoyed this one. An interesting rhythm and some nice imagery in there I'm not sure about "smoke and mirrors" - perhaps a little too overdone/cliche for such an otherwise unique piece? Can you think of any other imagery that might work? Nothing comes to mind off the top of my head but you might want to work on that a little. Otherwise, nice to see you writing poetry again....did you stop? (I havent been around much lately, LOL).

I like smoke and mirros. Just don't use it again.

The end does sum-up, I think--and makes what comes before un-puzzled in retrospect.

I love your images, CL. And I'm not much of a poetry critiquer, one way or the other. A note: it seemed less smooth than most your write, disjointed in rhythm. Intentional?

The smoke and mirrors is good for the flow, and picture. Without it, the line falls dead on made-up.

In the end, it felt disjointed--as if it didn't catch itself fully. I haven't the least idea why. ^_^


IMP