Remember When....

I remember when you said yes.
As I stood there in shock,
Listening as the world passed by and
the words came out.
Looking into your eyes, wondering.
Not knowing what was soon to
Come into my life.
I LOVE YOU!!

Welcome to YWS.

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http://youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=705

Thanks.
Meg

lol... awsome... weird but awsome... u should make it alittle longer tho... oh and welcome to YWS

Well, it wasn't too bad, to be honest.

It was much shorter than I would have expected, but I guess I could just call it short and sweet?

Yeah, that's it. Short and sweet.

You expressed what you were trying to say quickly, so there was no need to make it too long. I actually preferred it to most love poems. I often grow tired of hearing 16 verses about the same exact thing. Especially when it comes to love poems. So, this was quite a relief!

Good job, and keep on writing!

I don't like it. Just jumbled words to me. I got no response out of it and, in my opinion, poetry is dependant on the response of the reader. It's short, which isn't always a bad thing but in this case, it could be longer. Either that or you could say more with the words you choose. This poem shows a very minimal vocabulary.

So the poem itself was a bore to me and the last line...the one in all caps...really ruined it. Using all caps DOES NOT, contrary to popular belief, make your statement any more meaningful. Words are meant to do that, not caps. Not to mention, the line really just doesn't seem to belong there.

I know what kind of scene you are trying to play out here but there really is nothing note worthy to present at this time.


As always,

POKE

i liked that it was so short, and didn't mention roses or tears or blood or flame or anything like that. i liked that it was direct and to the point. i liked that you didn't feel the need to explain everything that happened but could just convey your image in a few lines and let us figure out the rest. i did think that the words repeated a bit and didn't particularly stick in my mind, didn't have much effect. keep writing - that part will come.

This is short. Short is fine. Short is hard to do because you have to put something touching in such a small amount of lines...you have not done this here. The thought is cute--I'm sure the moment triggered a need or want to be poetic if you have actually lived this, but there is nothing here that makes the reader want to read it again. You need more passion or something, more imagery, more feeling and emotion, more description--more of something that is going to strike a nerve within the reader.

So I'm going to pull an Incandence and tell it like it is. This poem does little for me, and it sounds just like a conversation you had with your friend on the phone - not worthy of a poem. First of all, what little emotion you exhibit is shock that someone said yes, I'm presuming, to you asking them out? Get some confidence in yourself - lots of people will likely say yes in your life. Secondly, I hate the practice of throwing around the word 'love.' I have a very difficult time believing you love someone a.)because they said yes to you and b.)because you have any experience on the subject.

If you're going to write love poetry (I'm begging you to abandon it right now), write with emotion. Don't write drivel like this. WHY were you shocked? WHAT do his/her eyes look like? WHY do you love this person? Before you revise this, however, I suggest you actually read some GOOD poetry about love. Toddle on down to the local bookstore and buy a reputable anthology on the topic, such as Norton.

Don't write just to put words on the page. Write because if you don't your soul will rip itself to pieces.

actually.... I rather liked it.
Maybe people that haven't been in that situation can't relate to the feelings portrayed or whatever.... I dunno do I ... but. I liked it.
It was a little too short though. And they (above) are right in saying that it is hard to catch emotion is such a short piece...
but yeah, seeing as it is your first attempt I say well done and good luck with everything alse you write
welcome to the YWS
xxx

lexy

Being able to relate to the subject at hand would indeed help trigger a response from the reader and would thus, make it a better poem in their eyes. But aside from relating with this scene and/or the emotion you are attempting to show, I still say I don't like it. Poetry is not jotting down some story and putting it in a verse format. At least for me, it's not. Poetry isn't just some long dragging sentence you put some breaks in either.

However, I'm picky when it comes to poetry and find most poetry to be soggy or dry. Don't take it personally.


As always,

POKE

Welcome to YWS! This is a loevly first peice, although (I know its already been said) a bit short, but well done, a nice read.

Hey

I am sure you can do way better than this, it's not unique in any kind of way so not unique I don't think it should be called poetry, too short and the last line well very akward. Please work on it

Cheerios, Chandni