Oracle's Possession

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I like what you've written so far 8). I especially like the characterisation - all the characters feel distinct.

I'm not too sure what critisms to make - so far the story is rolling along fine. I suppose we could maybe have a bit more insight into the background of magic and the mages.
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Sureal: Thank you for reading! :D

I didn't want to go into too much detail what the background of mages and their magic was, I need help on that.
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(Editing)
Last edited by Myth on Mon Dec 18, 2006 2:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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I'm sorry, Myth, I only got to the first chapter so far, so please forgive me. Very intriguing I must say, only a few suggestions.

He was the first spiritual entity the humans had ever encountered and this stunned them with both horror and wonder.

Erm, kinda awkward wording here…maybe it’s just me.

had painstakingly been sited in a way that a crowd could surround it and catch sight of all the action.

“sited”=confusing, how can a stage be sited? It’s probably some vocabulary word I just don’t know, but still

The master swept his hands to present each stall.

We come abruptly out of Monessa’s memory of the set-up to this, it feels a little…shall I say jerky?

He had slicked back his greying hair and parted it along one side in a style that was out of fashion—the male apprentices had spent the morning smoothing their hair to perfect their appearance.

Do you mean that they copied him despite the style being out of fashion or that they followed the current fashions? If they did neither, and you’re just mentioning that they, too, had primped in front of the mirror or whatever, then please loose the dash.

Mr Tull

Missing a period after “Mr” I think

From her position she could make out the difference between humans and mages—the aforesaid were in uniform of dark grey and sapphire with brooches made of two gem-drops in peridot and emerald, while humans were in ordinary clothing.

Kinda confusing wording here, when you said “aforesaid” I thought you meant humans and got confused—please clarify. Also, “uniform” should be “uniforms”. Oh, and just a note, perhaps make the “while the humans were in ordinary clothing” a separate sentence—emphasizes their inferiority or plainness or whatever it is you’re trying to get across here

Like all mages, Monessa kept her True Name hidden. To mages a Name was sacred and never revealed to humans or mages alike—once a Name was exposed enemies had an advantage to destroy the unfortunate mage. Oracles, celestial beings, decided the fate and Name of their charges and advised the mage Council to keep peace with humans.
This just comes totally out of the blue—no transition into why we’re suddenly talking about Names and Oracles. Some set-up would be nice, and if you could do a tad more showing than telling that would also be appreciated.

an earlier age of ten

“the”

Thinking about this she glowered. She hated the idea of leaving Weir House, if Mr Tull was not to be her official master, she wasn’t going to be very pleased.

Again, kinda comes out of the blue. I understand you’re trying to build up suspense and questions about who/what/where and all that, but too much non-information can make a reader just give up. Maybe throw us a few more tidbits, again, showing rather than telling, preferably.

However, there was a haunting atmosphere to their pieces because of Cecilia, the lead singer, as her voice was mesmerising and entranced those who heard her hypnotic chanting.

Good description, awkward wording. Maybe “because Cecilia, the lead singer, had a hypnotic voice that…” or somesuch

She frowned, her brow creased with deep lines and her right eye closed.

Brows generally crease with frowning, you don’t have to tell us. Do keep the right eye thing, though, that’s unique

She zoomed out as the last instruments, a violin and an oboe, added to the song

It took me a couple readings to realize you meant that she stopped paying attention. For a moment I thought she literally zoomed out of her tree, as in flew away. Please reword.

the children focused on the music than anything else.

“more than anything else”

The whole of the Continent had been blessed to hear such incredible pieces from a very small group and human critics favoured The Pans so much that they had an impeccable reputation with humans and mages.

Run-on sentence and awkward wording

She firmly hung on the idea of old enchantment, learned from the Ancient World or possibly their Abilities were musically combined and found it surprising that it had no affect on her.

Again—confusing wording. Maybe some more punctuation would help, I couldn’t tell where an idea was starting or beginning and got lost.

workout

“work out”

When the woman had left her alone, she was quick to dispose of it in the lake. It still lay at the bottom, unwanted.

It sounds like you mean M. disposed of the woman in the lake! Lol, simple mistake, just please clarify. Also, had M. dived down to make sure the necklace is still there? If not, then maybe, “To her knowledge it still lay at the bottom, unwanted.”
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis




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Gry: Yay! I love it when critics point out the little things, I always seem to miss them out when it comes to my writing.

*

sited = placed I didn't think that was awkward but I'll think about editing it.

Do you mean that they copied him despite the style being out of fashion or that they followed the current fashions?


I meant to write they copied the style, I missed out a few words.

Missing a period after "Mr" I think


I've often seen it without a period, plus Word doesn't accept it with the period. :?

I added the Name/Oracle right after the 'mage uniform' so as to give a little background to the mages. It clearly didn't work but I'm working on that. :)

Thanks again for the help, I missed out most of the stuff. As the writer I kind of got carried away as I know what's going on and didn't realise readers weren't aware of the world I'd created.

EDIT: Feel free to tear apart everything posted. :D
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(Editing)
Last edited by Myth on Mon Dec 18, 2006 2:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Wow-- I just read part one of your story, Myth, from Monessa's point of view. It's awesome! You quickly set up the fantasy world (with aeroplanes! Who knew?) I love the first sentence; it really drew me in.

I'm going to read the next part soon, but in the meantime, I found a few nitpicky things you might want to look at... that's my job around here, it seems. ;)

Myth wrote:She was perched in her favourite oak tree that grew twisted into an obscure shape, with a telescope in hand.

This sounds like the tree has a telescope in its hand.

From her position Monessa could make out the difference between humans and mages—the aforesaid were in uniforms of dark grey and sapphire, each had a brooch of two gem-drops in peridot and emerald, colours associated with mages. The wealthy humans wore clothes in flamboyant shades while the lower class made do with their Sunday best.

This puzzled me. "Aforesaid" pops off the page: "Fancy word-- look at me!" I took it to mean the first of the two listed-- humans, that is. Confusing!

Thinking about the distinction, Monessa branded her Name on her tongue. She didn’t dare say it out loud in fear of someone overhearing it. Like all mages, Monessa kept her True Name hidden. Names were sacred to mages, like religion was to the humans. It was a closely guarded secret and would never be revealed to humans or mages alike—once a Name was exposed, enemies had an advantage to destroy the unfortunate mage.

This is almost exactly like the Earthsea Trilogy by Ursula K. LeGuin. I'm not sure if it's possible to change, or if it's enough of a fantasy cliche that you can get away with it... I don't know.

Cecilia had no need of a microphone to project her voice. She was slender with golden brown hair, falling to her hips, braided in yellow ribbons. Her long dress was cream and black with sleeves tight at the arm and wide at the wrists. The mage brooch was pinned to her chest.

I love this description. Don't know why, I just do.

She had never liked The Pans, except for the violinist, Marcus, who was quite good-looking and didn’t fuss over her.

Yay, violinists! Yay!!! (Bet you can't guess which instrument I play. ;)

Anyway, hope this is helpful in someway, and again, great opening scene!
Cheers! ~Shafter
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Shafter: Thanks! That tree sentence has been edited XD 'aforesaid' was about the mage because I just mentioned them and didn't want to use 'mage' again.

I've never read the Earthsea Trilogy so I'm not sure what you meant there.

I do love the violin but I've never played it. Thanks again!
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hmm... I was happy about the fact that you introduced this new world, and its culture in such a short space, but it didn't seem crowded. um... Yeah, great story!
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Bookebrithil: Thanks for reading, I'm glad I was able to create the world and not have too much 'info dump'. If you have any other comments I'll appreciate your post.
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Well, I read the first part a while back and commented on it. I just read through the rest. I'll just comment on the earlier ones that I thought the moving statue idea was absolutely brilliant.

This crit will be mostly on the last section.

she didn’t care for appearance and usually could tell a person’s personality by the way they interacted with her


Isn't this how we all tell a person's personality? Replace that line with something else that show how Monessa prefers personality over appearance.

Miss Prudent sat at her table reading handwritten letters. Occasionally she would lift her head to see her student engaged in writing a poem, adding colourful borders and eloquently applying flourishes of silver ink.

Monessa left the wet paper and read through the poem. She had chosen William Blake’s “The Sick Rose” and spaced it evenly down the page. Nodding in satisfaction, she got up set herself before Miss Prudent.


You have some changing viewpoints there. Since this section is supposed to be in the view of Monessa, you shouldn't have it change to Miss Prudent. Have Monessa catch Miss Prudent watching her.

On the night of the fête, Mr Tull had come up to her attic and provided her with exciting news.


What news is this? Was it in the story earlier and I just missed it? Or do you plan to reveal it later on? Otherwise, I think we have the right to know what made her so agitated.

The crow feather allowed her to write finely.


This sentence is unnecessary and kind of dull anyway.

“No!” he wrapped her up in his arms and sat a cushion of air.


What does "sat a cushion of air" mean?

Mr Tull will take care of you. I’ll always be here to protect you, no matter how much of my magic I use.


I would conjoin these sentences. The magic statement better be important later, otherwise cut it.

His words puzzled her. She wasn’t aware of what could possibly hurt her and thought through what he had said. Monessa locked them into her mind, hoping one day she would know exactly what he was talking about.


The second sentence is sloppy.


Well, it looks like it's coming along well. I'll be interested to see how the next installment turns out.
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Trident: Thanks, I hate the typos *kills typos*
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