Pull the trigger

The time is here,
The time has come,
For me to do,
What must be done.

I put my hand to one my sides,
And take the gun,
Form where it hide's,
I polish it down,
With spit and gum,
I put it to my head,
And pull the trigger,
BANG... life is gone.

My first and rubbish attempt hope to write better soon

Form where it hide's,

From, typo. no apostrophe 's on 'hide' just 'Hides' (the 's' ending is actually part of the verb form) You should read over stuff before you post it to check for these kinds of things.

I'm not sure how to critique it. The first stanza is better than the second IMO. Very gloomy though... Sorry, I'm horrible with poetry!

Take out BANG. Try to rhyme the whole time if you're gunna in the beginning. Yea, Claudette got the rest.

Okay not sure if this will fit in with your poem, but where you say side and hides, it sounds odd. What about,
"I put my hand to one of my sides,
and take the gun,
from where it hides..."
It rhymes better.

Other than that and what Claudette said, it's wonderful. Beautifully written.
Pandora

Patrick wrote:My first and rubbish attempt hope to write better soon

Hehe!

A question: what did you intend to get across as your message with this poem?

pandoraswritings wrote:Okay not sure if this will fit in with your poem, but where you say side and hides, it sounds odd. What about,
"I put my hand to one of my sides,
and take the gun,
from where it hides..."
It rhymes better.

Other than that and what Claudette said, it's wonderful. Beautifully written.
Pandora

Thanks i'll try it

Snoink wrote:

Patrick wrote:My first and rubbish attempt hope to write better soon

Hehe!

A question: what did you intend to get across as your message with this poem?

That it is actually not that good, i was just trying something out

Patrick wrote:
My first and rubbish attempt hope to write better soon

I hope to see it soon.

BANG... life is gone.

hehehehehe..
I only liked this line.

Keep writing and posting it in here.

Patrick wrote:The time is here,
?Its finally? come,
For me to do,
What must be done.

I put my hand to one (of) my sides,
And take the gun,
From where it hide's,
I polish it down,
With spit and ?gum?,
I (place) it to my head,
pull the trigger,
and life is gone.

My first and rubbish attempt hope to write better soon

I reckon it would sound better like this honey xxxx