Poem deleted

Poem deleted
Sorry everyone,
although this was rubbish anyway

Hmm...this was okay, there's quite a few typos so I think I'll just do a line-by-line:

My eyes can barely flicker open
and the picture I see is fuzzy <--This sounds awkward. I don't know why, but it does.
but I just need to say before I go <--Take out the "just". It flows better.
That I'll never leave your side

My body may have died, now <--Don't need a comma.
but in you I wil live on <--It's will.
Don't shed a tear, my son <--You need to add a syllable here. Either "Do not" or "any tears" would sound good.
I won't be gone for long

I know you think I'm up in the sky
but don't be too hasty, my son
I can still see you and you new bride <--the second "you" is your.
I won't be gone for long

Your body is old and withered now
but don't feel sad, my son
your coming home to me soon, child

WHOA! Sudden rhythm change. That, combined with the apparent time change (which took a couple read-throughs to pick up on) is just too much. Perhaps add a transition stanza between this one and the last, showing him growing older, raising a family, etc. Then the last stanza will work, except the last line sticks out. Maybe "For soon you shall be coming home.

I won't be gone for long <--Attach this to the previous stanza. It fits in the rhythm well. Or maybe scrap this for a non-repeated last line.

Overall, not bad.

Swottielottie,
Not too bad. As niteowl said, a bit of mistakes, but it was a good read. Nice job. I hope to read more of your work.
Pandora

Could have done it better.


Keep writing!

My eyes can barely flicker open
and the picture I see is fuzzy

Er... I don't think "and" should be used to open up the next line. Perhaps you can move it to the first line and then start the second with "the picture."

but I just need to say before I go

This line seems to want to be more described, so work on that a little. ^_^

That I'll never leave your side

In this case, I think "I will" might be better since that makes it seem more conclusive.

My body may have died, now

I don't know... this sounds awkward. The line above makes me think that she's still alive. And now she's dead? Eep. Be consistent!

but in you I wil live on
Don't shed a tear, my son
I won't be gone for long

Here, we get repetitious, I think...

I mean, there's a fine line between repetition being good in poetry and bad, but in this case, she keeps on saying the same thing, and it doesn't give us enough of an emotional impact. We don't know who she is or even whether if she is alive, so we have a foggy notion of her at best. Her words don't really mean anything to us. Try clearing up the imagery and making us feel for her son by showing us what is going on instead of just telling us.

I know you think I'm up in the sky
but don't be too hasty, my son
I can still see you and you new bride
I won't be gone for long

I think you try to hard to rhyme... but I love the first line of this stanza. ^_^ You might want to expand that.

Your body is old and withered now
but don't feel sad, my son
your coming home to me soon, child

First of all, it should be "you're coming."

Next of all, eep. That's a creepy thing to say to your son that just got married. O_o

I won't be gone for long

Yep... definitely creepy. Kind of a morbid poem, you think?

But... um... it's not creepy enough. And it certainly doesn't end in an inspirational feeling. So play with it. Figure out what feeling you want to give us and then exaggerate it through this poem by showing us vivid imagery.

Hope this helps!

Hi Swottielottie,


I think you need to try reading some modern poetry. You are a beating a dead horse with this topic, and, thankfully for you, entrance into Heaven does not depend on quality writing.

The poem is genuinely lifeless. As Snoink mentioned, you are trying to sound inspirational--something I have never cared for in my poetry, but that's another issue. The theme of death and looking down from Heaven--it's old.

Find a hobby, write about it.


Best,
Brad

iI know it was a rubbish poem but I was just trying things out
No need to get mad brad!
hey that rhymes!

I actually quite liked it. I especially liked the rhyme of 'son' and 'I won't be gone for long'. I think this rhyme worked particularly well. Ok, so parts do need a bit of work, but why is everyone so harsh on this site? encouragement is good!

I know what you mean ,sunshine girl
I don't really write poem's very much, I'm more of a novel/ short story girl
but Why are some people on this site so harsh?
Encouragement and GENTLE constructive critisism is better than wrtign how much you hate or despise a person's work
As Sunshine girl said Let there be love!
Charlotte

The concept was very good, very sweet and well thought out. But the wording and the formatting in places was more than a little confusing and made you lose your place.

Something to look at, perhaps? ^_~

Nice idea, in any event, and best of luck.

apart from the typos its a really good poem i really really like it. (love Jack)

Thanks soldier boy jack
but I think you're wrong it was so rubbish
but thannks anyway
charlotte