Excerpts from Evacuation Earth

(Intro) It was the year 2519. The people of Earth were in mortal peril. Disease had swept the Earth from the crowded twelve billion population that was crammed on to every surface on Earth, even Antarctica. The oceans were a wasteland, almost all the life once swimming freely in it was gone. The oceans and lakes were brown and polluted. Oceanic cities that floated on the water were mostly all dead. Some were completely gone. Gone and sunk beneath the water with the failing society stranded. All the people once living on these cities are now all gone and dead.
____

A loud clunk finally echoed through out the cavernous skeleton of a building. The large ring on the first floor of the room began to hum and buzz on a low pitch until it slowly got faster and higher, faster and higher. An oily opaque black film reached across the ring. It wavered and shimmered like a black bubble juice on a child’s bubble wand.
__________________________________________________________________

(Chapter 1)
The next day in the lunch room everyone got together again this time without the distraction of crazy Mr. Stapp. Candace was really, really hungry today because she had skipped breakfast this morning when she overslept and had to run out the door. When she sat down at the table she picked up her rectangular slice of the schools pizza and she caressed it meanwhile greasing her face.
“Ewww! Candace!” Chloe exclaimed, “Wipe your face off! That is so disgusting!” Chloe handed her a napkin. Candace who was known for doing out of the ordinary weird things took it and giggled. She wiped the side of her face and cheek off and handed the greases loaded napkin back to Chloe. “Ewww,” she delicately pinched a corner of the napkin between her index finger and thumb and promptly tossed it into the garbage can nearby. Lunch rooms were a very odd thing for everyone.
____________________

A new girl walked into the cafeteria. She held her tray of food and scanned the room with evil looking cat like green eyes. Her platinum almost white blonde hair made you want to squint and grope around for a pair of UV400 sunglasses.
___

“Wow,” Elijah muttered as he turned away, back to his food and shook his head as he ate. Everyone looked away and occupied themselves with their lunches and homework. Lily even started eating. As she leaned over her food her hair fell into her face.
“Oh my god! Is this my hair!?” she exclaimed in surprised horror. She grabbed a chunk of her shoulder length hair, “Oh my god! My hair is so totally fried! Ewww! I wonder if I have a hair tie.” Oh she had hair ties alright. There were about twenty to thirty multi colored rainbow hair ties covering the whole right forearm. She took a bright lime green hair tie from in the back near her elbow and wrestled it off of her arm. When she tried to tie up her hair, the hair tie snapped. “Oh shoot!” Everyone tried not to stare but their eyes kept on glancing up from leaning over their food eating. She looked at her arm for a while and finally took a red hair tie from the middle of the multi colored row and got it in to her hair.
______

“Ummm, righty then,” Chloe said while getting ready to leave.
“But I’m a lefty!” Lily suddenly interrupted.
“Well then, you can go ahead and write with your left hand all you want,” Chloe cleared her throat and smiled while walking away with Candace and Sam.
_________________

You've got to start all your quotations on different lines, unless it's the same person talking.

Ooh...another thing...if you want to really up your word count, you can do stuff like change your 'alrights' to 'all rights'. It's not much, but it makes the difference between 49,999 and 50,000, right?

I think you jumped tenses once in the intro. Interesting story ... someone rubs pizza on their face. Cool.

A little update with comments.

______________

As the group ran away, Chloe looked back and saw the remains of the ship turn in to a mob of rampaging llamas running around wildly and confused. The military personnel slowly backed away from the ever growing population of llamas. There were llamas of all sorts of colors. there were White llamas, brown llamas, tan llamas, black llamas, light brown llamas, dark brown llamas, dark tan llamas, chestnut colored llamas, black and white llamas, gray llamas, black and gray llamas, white and brown llamas, light tan and dark brown llamas with black specs. As I said, there were llamas of all colors, but as Chloe kept on watching as Elijah kept on running as even more of the colorful llamas kept on pouring forth. Now there were red llamas, orange llamas, yellow llamas, green llamas, blue llamas, purple llamas, pink llamas, yellow green llamas, green yellow llamas, teal llamas, fuchsia llamas, mauve llamas, lavender llamas, goldenrod llamas, carnation pink llamas, blue green llamas, violet llamas, sunny orange llamas, neon yellow llamas, glow in the dark blue llamas, metallic gold llamas, metallic silver llamas, metallic bronze llamas, metallic brass llamas, and metallic pewter llamas. More llamas shoved and ran their way through. This time they were patterned llamas with blue and yellow stripes, sunflower yellow with gigantic sunrise pink polka dots, vivid purple and lime green in zig zag patterns on a neon orange background, red spirals with a metallic aged silver color, an Aztec pattern in gold on a terra cotta base, and even more zany and crazy combinations.

Okay... this is the moment my YA/Sci-fi novel turned into the realm of fantasy... ^_~
_______________________

Sometimes they would even do so much as to turn their heads and look at her. Even though they always had an expressionless face when they looked at her, it always surprised Chloe because their eyes were so bright and energetic it almost seemed impossible for them to show no emotion at all. Their eyes all had an electric shock value to them, always matching their wing color. A vivid green, blue eyes the color of a shallow sea on a sunny day, and another pair almost as dark as a moonlit midnight. She even saw a pair of majestic violet eyes and another pair that was a bright yellow with cobalt blue specks just like their rare two tone monarch shaped wing pattern.

Talking about the fairys riding the llamas... dont ask. I was either on a sugar high or REALLY flippin tired, I don't know. The whole time when I wrote that there is all sort of fuzzy... >.<
__________________________

“What is happening?” Lily suddenly asked. Her face was blank.
“We are leaving Earth,” Sam explained again to Lily.
“Why are we leaving Earth?” Lily asked her face still blank.
“So the human race does not go extinct,” Sam responded while crouching down to try and catch her breath.
“Oh… ok,” Lily said with unnatural happiness. “I am tired. I am going to take a nap. Wake me up when the cookies are done.”
“Ok Hon,” Sam said with a sigh. And with that, Lily plopped down on to the trampled grass and curled up in to a ball. Every one turned back to their activities once there was nothing else interesting to watch.

Crazy Lily again... something is wrong with her head.
__________________________

Cameron walked over to Elijah. “Hey Eli, there is something going on up by the ship, you want to go check it out?” There was a throng of people shouting and yelling up farther by the transport ship. No was being allowed on yet and army personnel held big machine guns up by the ship.
“Sure,” Elijah said as he stood up from squatting next to Chloe’s sleeping form.
“Hey, I will come too guys, if that is all right?” Jessie offered.
“No problem, come on let us go. Ladies, you all stay here we will be back soon,” Cameron said.
“Okay,” Sam said, “You all be careful okay and do not get mixed up in anybody else’s business.”
“Yeah, see you all later, we will watch Chloe for you,” Candace winked at Elijah.
“See ya,” Jessie waved and Elijah smiled as they turned and disappeared in to the crowd.
Cameron, Elijah, and Jessie weaved their way through the crowd. They shoved and pushed their way up to the front of the crowd. Or rather, Cameron pushed and shoved his way through because of he was of wider girth and strength than Elijah and Jessie. Jessie and Elijah followed in his wake of angry and bruised people. They apologized for him as they passed. Cameron was not a great people person. They finally came up against a pair of strong arms from the military soldiers holding back the crowd around the entrance ramp where a man stood. He was chatting with a younger man in a jump suit. His speech could not be heard.
Cameron stood frozen holding his stance at the front of the mob of people. He was staring at the man. When Elijah saw the man he though that he looked familiar but figured it was just something different about him. When the older man finished talking to the young man in the jump suit, the young man audibly said, “Yes sir Dr. Krogel,” and he jumped back up the ramp and bounded out of sight. The older graying man sighed a big heavy sigh as he scanned the crowd of people being held back. As his eyes landed on Cameron, his breath completely stopped and his jaw parted open slightly. He closed his mouth and composed himself as he smiled at Cameron and walked over to him and his friends.
“Hello Cameron,” the man said in a deep grizzly voice.
“Wow… the chances are,” Cameron stammered.
“Slim to none, yes I know but I wanted to find you,” the man finished his sentence.
“Oh, but aren’t you afraid of,” Cameron started.
“No,” he interrupted. “This is nothing, really. I should know.” He laughed to himself.
“So when are you from?” Cameron asked.
“2519,” the man said.
“But… but… that… how…” Cameron stuttered.
“Shhhh! Our greatest secret, well only mine I guess, it is dangerous and I refuse to tell a soul about it,” the man said.
“My time machine still works then?” Cameron asked another question as Jessie and Elijah just watched on in utter confusion as these two seemingly similar looking strangers exchanged conversation like they were best friends. More people and bodies pressed against them, the crowd getting more and more angry; it was ignored except for the occasional elbow in the gut from Jessie or Elijah.
“Well, yeah, it is very old though and outdated but it works,” he responded as if they were chatting alone with out about two dozen people trying to listen in on them.
“Wow, well it lasted longer than I calculated then,”
“Well, we take good care of it together,” they both smiled.
“You know that idea Candace had about getting high off electricity?” the man asked with a little chuckle.
“Yeah, I’ve been trying to figure that out…” Cameron said.
“Well, you’ll have no problem with that,” he said putting an arm around Cameron’s shoulder and leading him out of the rowdy crowd towards the ramp onto the ship. “Here, let me show you,” he said. Elijah gaped and opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, as if to say something in protest, deciding whether or not to follow the two and looked back and forth between them and Jessie who was looking between Elijah and the crowd in the direction that the girls were waiting. Elijah finally made his decision and leaped after Cameron and the strange man and ran after them as the walked onto the ramp.
“Hey guys!” Jessie called. Then suddenly one, two, three shots rang out and the crowd went screaming wildly away from the entrance ramp and back away to find another ramp to escape on. The military police ran through out the crowd looking for the rebel that shot a gun.
Jessie ran up to the ramp. And he found, to his horror, both of his friends lying in blood running down the ramp and the man squirming to get up his face writhing in pain. Jessie ran to Elijah who was nearest. He was shot in the chest. Jessie reached out and felt his neck for a pulse. There was one there but it was faint. “A medic, I need a medic over here!” he shouted at a nearby soldier and up the ramp. A soldier ran over. He had a Red Cross patch on his shoulder and he started assessing to Elijah as he radioed for help on his radio.
The other strange grizzly man scrambled through the blood running down ramp to Cameron and felt for his pulse. Cameron was awfully pale and still, blood was everywhere, you could not tell where he was shot. The man went pale, almost as white as Cameron but not quite that much. Jessie knew.
“I die,” the man said staring out at the distant trees in the woods, his hand still on Cameron’s neck. A tear rolled down his cheek and he collapsed over Cameron’s body sobbing. He cried out, “I can not die, I can not die!” Jessie was at a loss. He sat there still, watching this man bent over Cameron’s lifeless body. Jessie had finally figured it out. The man was Cameron. He was Cameron from the future. He thought they looked alike. He had just watched himself die. He had just watched himself be murdered in cold blood.

If people could comment on the mood of this scene, I'm not sure if i set it right, and also if you understand the relation between the two characters. Thanks!

_________________________

Just then, outside the giant window, the billions of stars sparkled and a ship labeled “KANSAS” flew by.

Just a random paragraph that sounds really funny on its own.

_________________________

“Where are we?” Lily asked with her usual high pitched happiness.
“We are on the Eagle Redemption VII honey,” Sam said.
“Why is it the seventh?” she asked again staring off at nothing.
“Well uhhh…” Sam stumbled over the answer. She did not know the answer to this one.
“Well, it boosts word count,” Zak said. When no body responded he went on to say, “So instead of having just the ‘Eagle Redemption’ which is two words, it is the ‘Eagle Redemption VII’ where the Roman numeral seven counts as another word so every time the Eagle Redemption VII is mentioned it gets as much words in as possible.”
“No it does not,” Lily said her spacey smile turning into a frown as she looked at Zak.
“What does not? I do not understand,” Zak said with a puzzled look on his face.
“It does not get in as many words as possible,” Lily said in a matter of fact tone.
“Umm…” Zak waited for her to go on as the rest of the group just stood by and watched.
“Well, I mean why did not they name it something really long like The Eagle Redemption VII Which Came From The Future And Is Going To Save All Of Our Butts By Taking Us Off Of Earth And Moving Pretty Much The Whole Dang Population To Some New Planet That Is Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Far Away?”
“Ummm, well because that is a lot for the author to type out and it sounds kind of stupid so she limited it to three words which is enough for her satisfaction. Although she thanks you for that word boost there,” Zak told Lily.
“Oh, okaaaay!!!” Lily practically shouted and she smiled at the ceiling ahead of them some more. Every body stared at her with eye brows raised. “Thank youuu!” she quipped again really loud and high pitched. Abby winced and took a step back from her.

Again... Lily.

_______________________

Tada... that's all. Please comment! Thanks!

I really like it. From the beginning I could tell the distinct personalities of characters when books take a bit more time to explain the character's personalities. I wish I could explain that as well.

Eh, wait, excerpts already? (Okay, okay, I didn't even read them, I'm sorry.) Aren't you supposed to wait until November to start that?

Meep wrote:Eh, wait, excerpts already? (Okay, okay, I didn't even read them, I'm sorry.) Aren't you supposed to wait until November to start that?

You might want to read the dates on the original entry. These excerpts are from last year's Nanowrimo.

I see that now.
I looked at the date, but I must've been looking at the wrong thing when I posted.