Dramatic Writing Experiment #1.

I know I said I'm on break, but I suddenly had a challenge for myself, and I decided to act upon it. I'm mostly a fantasy/comedy writer, so I decided that I should attempt to write something a little more dramatic. And here it is. (I apologize for the cliches.)
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I remember the day when I held her in my arms for the very last time. Her head rested gently in my hand as I whispered words of despondent comfort to her. The bullet had punctured her. Life had no where to go but out.

I could feel her feeble heartbeat as if it was an earthquake, as if it was the only sound I could hear. Slowly, her eyes began to lose the glow that I knew so well, and her face became sallow with the grievances of a heavy life. No words could be said. No words needed to be said. No words could describe.

Tears streamed down my face as the vicious realization struck me; hope had sprouted wings and flown away. I held her close, as if it could break this chain of events. I was with her when the shot was fired. I was with her when she fell. I was with her when her last breath caressed my cheek, carrying with it the burdens and torments of her life, a life which no one deserved, most certainly not her.

The burdens which she carried all her life came from those around her. She was innocent; it was others that flung the guilt onto her for her to carry, and may God have mercy on their souls for doing so. She could not hold the guilt of the world all by herself. Eventually, a limit had to be broken, something had to give way to make balance. I suppose this was it. Her pain escaped into the open air and came with me out the door.

And it has followed me ever since.

MisterWaffles,
I really enjoyed reading this. I hope it is not the entire thing, though. This seems like it may be the end of a story, or possibly the beginning if you can word it correctly. I also njoyed the way most of the sentences were short. Most people try to make their sentences too long.
GREAT job!
Pandora

The bullet had punctured her. Life had no where to go but out.

when I read this, I could think of a literal 'life' sort of gas rising out of the bullet hole and into the air, it seemed very dreamy. Maybe you should write it like that? It would be curious..

Her pain escaped into the open air and came with me out the door.

same thing here, I could see the pain as a sort of cloud leaving with you. interesting.

I like it (Cliches or no ) I don't think it was too terrible or anything. Did you read Snoink's thing on serious writing? Go take a look at that, I think it would help tune this up a bit. You should explain how she got shot/why. That would give us more to work with than just His thoughts. Also, maybe give her a name? (this is a maybe, its up to you) If it were me, I would. It would let the reader (and the MC) connection better.

I didn't like the last line much. I know the impression you want to create, but it doesn't work. maybe you should try something else?

Ooh. Thanks for the feedback.

Sadly, this is all it is. It was simply a test for my abilities to evoke any sort of emotional response in the reader.

I'll take a look at Snoink's thing on serious writing.

Oh, and about the last line, now that I look at it, it does seem a little wordy.

Thanks again.